Just Separated/Prep for Divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Kind of an update.  I woke up to an empty home for the first time today.  My BPDw and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for months, yet, when I rolled out of bed still half asleep I could just tell something wasn't the same.  If nothing else, my two little dogs would have heard me get up (I'm up before everyone else), but even they didn't come meet me at the door. 

Unless my wife completely changes directions, which I know is possible, we will be divorced next month.  She left for Tennessee to her sister's house (from Texas, about 12 hours) last night around 9:00PM, so I'm just praying she makes it there safely (she's pulling a huge UHaul).

My step-daughters (I consider her mine, I've raised her for 13 years) graduated high school last night, and her mom left immediately afterwards.  In Texas, after graduation, everyone goes outside and waits for the grads to come out.  I found my daughter, and other friends/neighbors were with me, so we took a bunch of pictures.  We couldn't find mom.  She finally called my daughter and just said she was on her way home, which my daughter interpreted to mean our house.  I eventually left, but my daughter wanted to take pictures with friends.  She made it home about 30 minutes after I did. 

Now just some background, my daughter has almost given up on her mom.  She has seen the horrific behavior towards me and even herself.  At minimum, she expresses that she was glad her mom was leaving, she hopes she gets help.  But when my daughter walked through the door crying because she thought her mom would have been here to take some pics on graduation night, all I could do was hold her.  I explained that her mom can't handle any kind of emotional good byes, but I mean these are the examples I use with my BPDw to explain why she needs help.  As the adult in this situation, she needed to stick around for 30 more minutes for her daughter, not herself.  I understand she lacks the capacity at this point to make that decision, I'm just venting.

I hate the quietness of my home; I guess sooner than later I learn to enjoy the "peace and quiet" instead of the chaos and dysfunction.  Please don't think I am suicidal at all, but today, all I want to do is lay here...I want to do nothing, except go back in time and redo things.  It's just day 1, I know, but life sucks when all your options appear to suck and leave you in pain one way or another.  I see my counselor today, which I'm happy about, and my awesome neighbors have helped put together a graduation dinner for my daughter tonight.  The two of us are also going to see the X-Men Phoenix movie together. 

[Brian1977]

Kind of an update.  I woke up to an empty home for the first time today.  My BPDw and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for months, yet, when I rolled out of bed still half asleep I could just tell something wasn't the same.  If nothing else, my two little dogs would have heard me get up (I'm up before everyone else), but even they didn't come meet me at the door. 

Unless my wife completely changes directions, which I know is possible, we will be divorced next month.  She left for Tennessee to her sister's house (from Texas, about 12 hours) last night around 9:00PM, so I'm just praying she makes it there safely (she's pulling a huge UHaul).

My step-daughters (I consider her mine, I've raised her for 13 years) graduated high school last night, and her mom left immediately afterwards.  In Texas, after graduation, everyone goes outside and waits for the grads to come out.  I found my daughter, and other friends/neighbors were with me, so we took a bunch of pictures.  We couldn't find mom.  She finally called my daughter and just said she was on her way home, which my daughter interpreted to mean our house.  I eventually left, but my daughter wanted to take pictures with friends.  She made it home about 30 minutes after I did. 

Now just some background, my daughter has almost given up on her mom.  She has seen the horrific behavior towards me and even herself.  At minimum, she expresses that she was glad her mom was leaving, she hopes she gets help.  But when my daughter walked through the door crying because she thought her mom would have been here to take some pics on graduation night, all I could do was hold her.  I explained that her mom can't handle any kind of emotional good byes, but I mean these are the examples I use with my BPDw to explain why she needs help.  As the adult in this situation, she needed to stick around for 30 more minutes for her daughter, not herself.  I understand she lacks the capacity at this point to make that decision, I'm just venting.

I hate the quietness of my home; I guess sooner than later I learn to enjoy the "peace and quiet" instead of the chaos and dysfunction.  Please don't think I am suicidal at all, but today, all I want to do is lay here...I want to do nothing, except go back in time and redo things.  It's just day 1, I know, but life sucks when all your options appear to suck and leave you in pain one way or another.  I see my counselor today, which I'm happy about, and my awesome neighbors have helped put together a graduation dinner for my daughter tonight.  The two of us are also going to see the X-Men Phoenix movie together. 

[once removed]

I woke up to an empty home for the first time today.

ouch 

But when my daughter walked through the door crying because she thought her mom would have been here to take some pics on graduation night, all I could do was hold her.

it sounds like you really need each other.

how are you all holding up?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Brian1977. That's heartbreaking to hear about your daughter. She is lucky to have you.

Please don't think I am suicidal at all, but today, all I want to do is lay here...I want to do nothing, except go back in time and redo things.

That sounds pretty normal. Be kind to yourself.

How was the graduation party and the movie?

[Lucky Jim]

today, all I want to do is lay here...I want to do nothing, except go back in time and redo things.

Hey Brian, Sorry to hear what you have been through.  Of course you're exhausted from all the stress, which is normal and to be expected.  Suggest you take a deep breath and be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself well, like you would your best friend.

I guess sooner than later I learn to enjoy the "peace and quiet" instead of the chaos and dysfunction. 

Yes, I predict you will find the tranquility restoring.  I discovered that it was enjoyable to return home after work without the expectation of a confrontation, or more drama.  I think you will discover the same, as more time passes.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

Brian 1977,
So impressed with how you are there for your daughter when her mother can't be and able to help her understand what is going on. Sounds like there are a lot of people who appreciate you and your daughter, like the awesome neighbors that are helping you give your daughter a graduation party. Right now you are feeling the sadness of finally being separated yet it seems like you have been preparing yourself for a long time for all that has happened, and will be able to enjoy the good times ahead.  

[Brian1977]

ouch 

it sounds like you really need each other.

how are you all holding up?

Thanks.  I guess as good as we can.  Adjusting will be hard.  My daughter is handling it better than me. 

[Brian1977]

How was the graduation party and the movie

Everything went well.  She was appreciative and happy, all I cared about.

[Brian1977]

Right now you are feeling the sadness of finally being separated yet it seems like you have been preparing yourself for a long time for all that has happened, and will be able to enjoy the good times ahead. 

I hope so.  It feels very weird, and often times lonely.  I definitely know in my head that many of my days were filled with chaos and unhealthy living, but at the same time there was a bit of peace having my family, even when we weren’t speaking.  I’m kind of a home body, and my family meant everything to me.  I can keep busy and occupied so not to dwell on things, but when I do sit and think it’s hard not to wonder if she is doing OK or even what she is doing. 

[MeandThee29]

Now just some background, my daughter has almost given up on her mom.  She has seen the horrific behavior towards me and even herself.  At minimum, she expresses that she was glad her mom was leaving, she hopes she gets help.  But when my daughter walked through the door crying because she thought her mom would have been here to take some pics on graduation night, all I could do was hold her. 

Yes, I've been there. Mine have given up, but we've had tears like that.

A therapist told me to focus on my relationship with them and to let them sort it out for themselves. In many ways, I functioned like a single parent for many years. This is the fruit of that and my partner's choice to relocate so far away with almost no contact.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad to hear that the graduation party went well!

It's not easy going through a break-up or a divorce with a pwBPD, especially when there are children involved. I see you've posted on the Legal board, that's good. This is different than divorce from a stabile, healthy person.

I scanned through all your posts and it has been a tumultuous time for you lately. Please take good care of yourself. Have you read this article on surviving a break-up when your partner has BPD? You might find it helpful.

[Brian1977]

Have you read this article on surviving a break-up when your partner has BPD? You might find it helpful.

Thank you, that was a helpful article.

It’s been over a week since my wife left, her sister did text me to let me know she had made it there (13 hour drive).  I guess they’ve already fought and my wife is now at her moms house.

Feelings of course come and go, been staying very busy.  Many people checking in on me, which is nice.  I’m usually one to keep personal things to myself, but for some reason it does seem easier to talk to family and close friends.

I’m sure most of you had done the same, but for years as I contemplated whether or not I should or even could stay in the relationship I tried to focus on all the changes that would be positive, or enjoyable.  Even simple things like having a voice in what kind of couches we buy, and other things I would do differently when not confronted by BPD behavior.  It’s weird, now that it’s reality, I haven’t been motivated to change much.  I actually just moved back into the master bedroom last night, I had not slept there since this past Christmas.  I had to force myself to do that.  I’m sure it will come and just take time.  If I reflect on this past week it’s been predominantly problem free, with exception of obvious emotions that come and go.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

For sure, feelings will ebb and flow for a while. I went to the final split about 3 months ago, and some days I'm full of energy and some days I just want to crawl up in bed. What's helping me is to come here and to force myself to be social with friends even if I don't really feel up to it.
Keep exploring this boards, things will get better.

Scarlet