Divorcing my BPD Wife

[Brian1977]

After much thought, pain, heartache and tears, I've come to the conclusion that my BPD wife is unrepentant and refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong or that she needs help.  We live in separate bedrooms and have not really spoken in two weeks (a normal occurrence for us over the past few years). 

I hired an attorney who has dealt with BPDs, and is aware of what might be expected.  My wife needs to be served the court paperwork informing her of our initial hearing (Texas).  There will be a minimum 60 days before any divorce is final.

Our kids are all adults, so the divorce is simply division of property.  All I want is a fair 50/50 split, through mediator, and over as quickly as possible.  I need to coordinate with the process server to have these documents given to my wife.

My question is what to expect.  I have an emergency exit plan in case she goes crazy.  I also have thought about telling her what is happening first, when she is calm, because I know she will be terrified and overwhelmed when handed paperwork from the server.

Does anyone have any other suggestions or advice for what to expect in the immediate future?  My court date is June 5, which will simply be establishing temporary orders, etc.  Anything important to me is already out of the house.  My biggest problem is that my wife is retired and doesn't work, and I work from home...I'm perfectly fine living in separate bedrooms and ignoring one another, I'm just not sure she is capable of doing that.  If not, my attorney is prepared to have her removed since I pay all the bills and am the only one that works and my home office is my place of business.

Is it normal to know that divorce is the only solution at this point, but still be so concerned about my BPD wife...almost to the cost of my own well being?

[mart555]

Make copies of important paperwork, change passwords as needed, grab your share of the money if there's lots in the bank account. 

A heads up to her would be nice, it will likely be explosive.  You may want to read the book "splitting".

[worriedStepmom]

Yes, it's normal to still be focused on how to manage her.  It's a habit, one that you will be able to slowly break as you come out of the FOG.  Even during my divorce from a non-BPD partner, it was difficult to stop putting his needs and wants first.  I had been trained to do that during our marriage, and it took a while to wake up.  Therapy was VERY helpful.

Is your wife the quiet waif-y type of BPD, or the type who wants revenge?  My husband and his first wife, who has uBPD, had a relatively painless divorce, but she is terrified of the courts, so that made it simpler.

Your temporary orders will likely result in you paying her some type of support.  Note that although Texas only requires the 60 days, a divorce can take a lot longer, even if it isn't contentious.  Mine took 7 months.  After my exh filed, he decided he wasn't interested in actually getting divorced, and he delayed like crazy.  It took my lawyer really pushing matters to get us into mediation.  I walked straight out of the mediator's office (with an agreement) to stand in front of a judge, and my divorce was final about 5 minutes later. 

[Turkish]

Do you feel that you might be at risk for violence or false accusations?

[mart555]

Do you feel that you might be at risk for violence or false accusations?

Even if he doesn't feel it at this point, he should still keep it in mind..   

It took a few weeks but my wife exploded.  Violence (assault at my workplace!) and then false accusations which, up to this point, went nowhere.

[Brian1977]

I don’t feel like violence is imminent, but possible and I am aware.  Honestly, when she is triggered, depending on what it is, she either completely shuts down or becomes so angry I would say anything is possible.  When I say shuts down, she literally locks herself in our bedroom and doesn’t come out or go anywhere for days.  She is doing this right now.  Been watching tv for five straight days. 

I actually need to have her served on Tuesday and am afraid I won’t be able to get her out of the bedroom or even open the door.

I started journaling better notes.  I find myself on edge and trying to talk myself into staying.  It’s amazing how I can allow myself to grieve over the 5% of my marriage that is good, but I do it...and it hurts.  I do go to my journal and it reminds me of how awful her behavior is.

[livednlearned]

I don’t feel like violence is imminent, but possible and I am aware

 
Divorce can make people react in BPD ways, even when we're not. Once lawyers get involved and write things down in their legal language, stuff starts to heat up fast.

If she is violent with you, do you have a plan? Each state has a protocol for dealing with 911 calls. Would it give you some peace of mind to know how things get handled? For example, in some states, police will arrest the person who seems most capable of harm, usually the biggest person (the guy). In some states, they will arrest both parties. You may also want to find out if Texas is a one-party consent state for recording. There are members here who record situations not for purposes of collecting evidence in court, but also for showing cops in case they are receptive to seeing what happened before they arrived.

Past history is a great predictor of future behavior so if she hasn't been violent with you before, there is some small comfort in that.

For a lot of members here, the hardest part of divorce was the stonewalling and obstructing. Your wife may shut down, or she might find that negative engagement is better than no engagement.

I've been out of my 10 year marriage from n/BPDx for 9 years and I still feel bad for the guy. So many great qualities. There are many good memories in with the bad.

Be cautious that you don't self-sabotage yourself with fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) during these early days. I gave my ex the house and it turned into a multi-year fiasco that cost me a lot of money in attorney fees and trips to court. Now that the FOG has cleared, I can see how I was hoping my concessions would appease him.

And of course that never worked.

[Brian1977]

Thank you for the reply.  Texas is pretty common sense approach when it comes to this.  We’ve had police four times in four years, only once did they take action (more on that in a minute).  They usually understand there are two sides to the story and offer to leave if parties agree to leave each other alone, and are willing to come back to help keep things from escalating.  The one time they took action...they arrested my wife.   A little much, I think.  She was having an episode, one of the worst in memory.  She kept looking for me to start a fight.  She then tried to take my phone and wallet, and when I wouldn’t let her, I felt her pull on my hoodie (I was sitting in office chair, she was standing behind me.  She got physical with me as well, trying to take my wallet...screaming everything that is mine is hers.  She would not stop, and after warning I would need to call police to get her to stop, she continued.   I called 911, and they sent patrols. 
The arresting officer is actually a CTI (or CIT, not sure which is correct), but basically an officer with mental health training.  He could tell something wasn’t right with her when he was simply trying to get her to give her side of the story.  We talked it over, and I agreed to press charges; with his guidance that this would allow them to force her into help.  He assured me he works with the DA and the goal is not to pursue charges, but if she isn’t willing to get help, she may have a felony (obstructing airway in Texas is felony).  She spent the night in jail... and has made the entire incident my fault.  That was three weeks ago.

Anyway, I have enough videos and police reports that I’m not concerned about the police coming to my house.

The FOG info helps for sure... and I have the same feelings you did.  I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible things that go on to keep my head on straight.  It’s still very hard throwing away 12 years of marriage.

[Turkish]

That's a felony in California as well.  My ex's husband took her phone from her when she was trying to call me to get the kids when they had a mutual DV episode. If either had called the cops,  it wouldn't have gone well for either of them. 

You can serve by mail in CA, and that's an option to reduce the shame of a process server, but if she's locked in her room,  even that doesn't sound like an option.

The Board Dinosaur is right,  you need a safety plan.  See here:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

[ForeverDad]

Four police responses in four years and the latest was a month ago?  Yes, things can escalate quickly.  There is a truism often quoted here... If there have been threats or contemplated threats, then there will be more incidents, given enough time.  Yes, hope for the best but of necessity plan strategically for the worse.

If you are father and the more stable parent, then an arrest is not "a little much".  You will need all the credibility and leverage possible when dealing with domestic court.  Court and the agencies surrounding the court system are generally reluctant to give fathers the same default credibility and preferences given mothers and wives.

Another saying... The parent behaving poorly seldom gets much as consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets much credit.  We're not telling you to be mean, we just want you to beware of the pitfalls of trying to be too fair or too nice.  So don't feel bad if your spouse misbehaves and gets consequences.  Many members here are fathers and ex-husbands who never managed to see their problem ex-spouses face consequences. Theirs has been a tough struggle and often took years before the courts began to stop giving the misbehaving spouse default preference and credibility.

[Brian1977]

We are a blended family, no kids together.  The youngest graduated high school last week and turns 18 next month.  So, no parenting or custody issues. 
I’m doing pretty well staying focused, the best one could expect I suppose.  I still want her to get the help she needs.  I’m sure I’m not the first person to say this, but I’m not divorcing her because I no longer love her or am no longer in love with her.  I’m divorcing because our lives together have too much pain and she has refused to even start the process of getting better (which I assured her I would be completely supportive throughout that process).  I don’t hate my wife either...just come to understand what it means not to hate myself.
So this divorce, this process, is extremely painful...sometimes more painful than tolerating my BPDw poor behavior.  I know it’s the only thing I can do, or at least it’s the healthiest thing to do.  I’m still sort of holding out for her to get help...when deep down I just want to stop caring.  It’s consuming too much of my time and way too much of my emotions.

[mart555]

I find myself on edge and trying to talk myself into staying.  It’s amazing how I can allow myself to grieve over the 5% of my marriage that is good, but I do it...and it hurts.  I do go to my journal and it reminds me of how awful her behavior is.

Don't fall into that rabbit hole!  Your mind will play trick.   Stay focused.

[livednlearned]

I still want her to get the help she needs.

Are you concerned that these feelings might influence any of your actions going forward with the divorce?

So this divorce, this process, is extremely painful...sometimes more painful than tolerating my BPDw poor behavior. 

I wonder if that is the excruciating pain we feel when we start to love ourselves. 

Of all the pain I felt in my divorce, none was more profound than allowing others who loved me to take care of me. A friend offered me $10,000 no strings attached to help pay for my lawyer and I nearly had a nervous breakdown because receiving the gift meant being vulnerable enough to acknowledge I was worth it.

[Brian1977]

I know it’s a rabbit hole and I know that I actually lack knowledge about what my relationship should be...having been doing this for so long I know I don’t expect/demand healthy boundaries, or even certain attention or appreciation...I’ve been going to a counselor for 3 years, simply as needed.  Started out with me trying to find ways to help myself so I could help my wife, once I figured out what was actually wrong with her (I was definitely the codependent nonBPD that had lost all boundaries and much more).  The last few weeks have been more about realizing I am worth a lot, and I shouldn’t be ashamed to think I am.  Some days are actually liberating right now...I’m listening to music I like without caring what her reaction will be.
I’m not so sure that I’m concerned that my wife’s choice to get help will impact my decision moving forward...I’ve stuck around once before after hiring an attorney because she took responsibility for things for the first time in our marriage.  That was 2.5 years ago.  While I feel she was sincere with her acknowledgment of what she had done, I was not firm in my request for her to get help.  So I don’t think I will fall for that again...even if she really starts getting help.
I think some of my pain is that I don’t actually want to lose my wife, but the damage she causes is just no longer tolerable.  Like walking away from an alcoholic you still love.  I do still love her, even when I focus on everything that is wrong in my marriage, I don’t hate her.  Interestingly, I often think to myself that learning everything I could about BPD has actually hurt me.  All the books, articles, etc. tell you to separate the person from the disorder, how miserable the person actually is, how hurt the person is, etc.  Don't get me wrong, they all cover topics like when it’s time to move on, what not to accept, the BPD needs to take responsibility, but knowing that she has this problem makes my heart hurt so much... and I know more pain is coming...not that it’s my fault or that she has left me any other option, but when you love someone you don’t want them to hurt regardless.

[worriedStepmom]

When I was in the process of divorce (from a non-BPD), someone told me that divorce doesn't have to be the final end of a relationship.  If a person truly changes, there's no reason two people couldn't resume dating after a period of time and try again.  I know a few couples that have done this.  (My own parents dated for three years after their divorce was final, before they broke up for good.  It was so weird.)

You have to divorce right now because no one should be allowed to treat you that way.  You can feel empathy for the turmoil that the disorder causes without volunteering to be the punching bag.

Maybe...maybe...she'll eventually seek help.  Maybe she'll eventually learn the skills that she needs to be more stable.  Maybe she would even one day be able to practice those behaviors long enough for them to be ingrained.  But you shouldn't have to be in the line of fire while she's working on that - IF she decides to work on that.

Your relationship won't work if you change (learn healthier behaviors) and she doesn't.  It wouldn't work if she learned healthier behaviors and you didn't, either.

It's okay to mourn the relationship.  It's okay to grieve for what could have been, for the marriage that you thought you were getting.  It's okay to mourn the loss of her in your life.  This is a natural part of divorce.

[ForeverDad]

We are a blended family, no kids together.  The youngest graduated high school last week and turns 18 next month.  So, no parenting or custody issues.

I still want her to get the help she needs.

Emotionally, we can understand that pull.  But you also said she refuses to take that path.  You can't fix her, you can't live her life for her.  An added complication is that whatever you say, however reasonable it is, has to get past her perceived baggage of the failing relationship.  It has been noted that the BPD behaviors are most evident the closer the relationship.  A stranger may notice "a little off" about her.  But you're closest and she's letting it all hang out.

When I was in the process of divorce (from a non-BPD), someone told me that divorce doesn't have to be the final end of a relationship.  If a person truly changes, there's no reason two people couldn't resume dating after a period of time and try again.

Be aware that once you are divorced and your lives are separated, the obvious dysfunction will probably fade.  What made the difference?  Very likely it was the distance and not dancing the push-pull dance.  You would have to prove to yourself she really had improved before risking resumption of a relationship.

[Brian1977]

Ok, my emotions feel like I’m in crisis mode.  My BPD wife was supposed to be served divorce paperwork this morning.  I spoke to her about it two days ago because I know how much being served off guard would hurt her.  It took a minute, but she finally accepted it.  Well, this morning I sent her a text (we stay in separate bedrooms) asking if she was going to answer the door or if the person needed to come to her bedroom... she then began resisting everything.  In my previous post I mentioned she is waiting a hearing for a domestic charge from an incident three weeks ago.  The nature of the charge makes it a felony.  Anyway, she is so worried about that she won’t even think about cooperating with a divorce.  We text back and forth for a while, I reassured her this hearing was only to establish temp orders that would protect us both, financially, physically, etc.  I told her I really wanted a peaceful divorce and was looking to split everything fairly.  I even told her I was ok continuing to live the way we are now (separate rooms and not talking to each other) as long as she left me alone.  My daughter has a graduation party coming up...I told her we should still have it.  Well, she refused to answer the door and wouldn’t respond to the knocks on her bedroom door.  I contacted my attorney and asked for copies of the paperwork as well as a waiver that maybe she would sign.  When I read the petition, my attorney is being extremely aggressive, asking for my wife to be removed from the house and asking for expedited divorce since a emergency protective order was pending.  Well...the magistrate didn’t enforce the EPO, but worse I now feel like a liar and that I was manipulating her.  I’m not getting tricked into sticking around, but I’m also not trying to kick my wife to the curb.  She has no family here, so no place she could really go except hotel.  This is not sitting right with me.  I do know that my wife is capable of anything at anytime when she is triggered, but I also feel like when this is all over I need to be comfortable with how it all happened.  Right now I don’t.  I’m actually glad she didn’t answer the door, because then she would have seen the petition that was basically everything I told her it wasn’t.  Now I have to decide what I tell my attorney tomorrow.  Part of me believes I should just get out of my attorneys way, but I feel like if the divorce starts this way it will be contentious the whole time, causing both of us more pain and putting a bunch of money in both our attorneys pockets.  We only have adult kids, so the divorce should not be very problematic, we both agree to split everything.  I feel sick right now, and like a liar. 

[mart555]

You should definitely have a chat with your lawyer...  but keep in mind that while your wife may seem reasonable now, it can go south fast.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt..

[Brian1977]

Yes, I have seen things go south fast.  My wife has a pattern of exploding to the point she has almost no control over what she does or says.  The closer her (on emotional and personal level) and I are the more likely she is to do this.  For example, I moved into a different bedroom on Christmas night, and we basically argued for a few days but as I disconnected from her she had no episodes for 3 months.  It wasn’t until we started working things out that she had another episode.  Anyway, she then goes into depressed shut down mode.  She has been in her bedroom, door locked, blinds drawn, all day, for 3 weeks.  I’m not sure we’ve spoken ten words to each other, and I think she’s only left the house 5 times.  She might come out of the bedroom a couple times a day for food and laundry.  I do feel if I stay disconnected she is less likely to trigger.  We’ve done well for ourselves, she is retired from the military so will always get about $3,800 a month, plus medical care... and walk away from our marriage with a nice lump sum of money to get her own house (I’m keeping our home, and it’s almost paid off).  So in the long run I’m not so worried about her...my gut is just telling me if we remove her immediately she will be worse off.  I haven’t slept all night over this...which hasn’t happened to me on my worst days with her, so I know inside me something is just not right.  Her youngest daughter (I consider her mine as well, I’ve raised her for 13 years) graduates high school this week and we have a party for her scheduled mid June, as well as a birthday party for a 5 year old we were helping take care of the past three years...just more things I can’t imagine taking away from her.  She is already going to miss her older daughters (19) Navy boot camp graduation because she can’t leave the state while she is technically on bail.

[Panda39]

Brian,

What about you?  What is best for you?  What do you want?

Everything you are talking about is her, what she needs, what will make it easier on her etc.  You are a equal partner in this relationship and your needs and feelings are just as important as your wife's.

I'm hearing you from in the FOG be aware of it.

In terms of the divorce paperwork, if you don't feel that it represents what you want I would talk to your attorney.  But I get where they are coming from you are in a physically abusive relationship and that person is still in the house with you creating potential for more abuse or even false allegations against you.  Removing her from the house sounds to me like it is for your protection (and her's too).

Having her leave the house doesn't automatically mean she will be out on the street.  Do you/she/her family have the resources to get her in to a small apartment?

Also, a reminder self-care is important you need some rest.  You will not be your best self or make your best decisions when you are exhausted.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Brian1977]

Is it honest to say that I don't know what is best for me?  I feel like what I want is to move on from this marriage for the sake of my own health, but not in a confrontational way.  I struggle with this, I know...but I'm not sure how good I would feel if she were  removed from the house during the process.  I feel like long term I need to know that I made fair decisions regardless of how I was treated.  Yes, probably a lot of FOG in my brain right now...particularly because I don't think that I've actually decided that I WANT to leave my marriage, I've only begun to understand that I NEED to.

[livednlearned]

I don't think that I've actually decided that I WANT to leave my marriage, I've only begun to understand that I NEED to.

Can you say more about that?

What were you feeling when you made the decision to go ahead with divorce?

[mart555]

Brian, order this book ASAP to help you:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Read it. It should help clear your mind a little.  Then decide your way forward.

[Brian1977]

Bought it, thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, probably a lot of FOG in my brain right now...particularly because I don't think that I've actually decided that I WANT to leave my marriage, I've only begun to understand that I NEED to.

It's common for the head to deduce what needs to be done.  Give your heart time and it will catch up to the reality.

Unless you live in a very expensive region, her retirement income can certainly enable her to obtain residence in an apartment nearby.  Nothing fancy but certainly adequate.  Of course, that won't stop her from claiming she will end up on the street corner.

"Don't let her make her problems become your problems."  It's healthy for a person to own their own problems.  Partly it's consequences, partly it's responsibility.

Many years ago when I worked at a large hotel's reception desk in NYC, I would have people coming in asking for all sorts of stuff.  On the surface, some appeared reasonable.  I recall people walking in seeking a restroom.  Well, it was a residential hotel and I would correctly state, "Sorry, the restrooms are in the rooms, none available here in the lobby."  One woman was persistent, she had a kid hopping around.  She ask, "Well, where do you go?"  I replied we were under construction and I went into the basement behind locked doors.  I suggested again, "There are restaurants across the street and down the block, please try them."  The answer, "But they want me to buy something because restrooms are for their customers."  I was being guilted and pressured in the moment with little time to ponder a better response when the reality was there were other options, in that case they just had to be customers.

My learning experience, While we do want to be nice and helpful, often we sabotage ourselves if we let other people transform their problems into our problems.  Sometimes they have to own their problems, we're not mean or heartless if that's the way it has to be.

It may be that the lawyer is purposely listing tough terms.  Often the court or even the parties will work out less onerous terms.  But the lawyer may be perceiving the situation as requiring a strong stance that can then be negotiated lower or softer, that if lawyer starts with nice terms then what's left to negotiate downward?

[OutOfEgypt]

I divorced my BPD ex-wife about 7 years ago.  We almost divorced two times before that.  To say "unrepentant" describes what was happening is a huge understatement.  Looking back, here are some things I think can be helpful.  It sounds like you've already had her served, so I'm not sure if some of this still applies, but divorce is really awful and intense for anybody, resulting in a lot of "crazy" behavior from almost anybody.  So, caution is always advisable.

You'll get a lot of pressure, and probably especially from her, about "being nice" about it.  The idea of an "amicable" divorce sounds so nice and progressive, and my BPD ex was great at pushing that.  But to her "amicable" meant that she got to decide what was fair and what was not on her own terms, and if I was being amicable I would agree to it.  You've gotta understand that you are likely dealing with someone who is utterly wedded to their flesh, and so a healthy amount of skepticism and caution is totally warranted.  That doesn't mean you legally pummel her, but it does mean that you don't let the myth of things being "nice" so long as she's "happy about it" be the driving motivation for your decisions, especially if there are kids involved.

1. Protect yourself.  To give you an idea of what I mean, my wife at the time stole my wallet from my pants pocket while I was asleep, went out in the morning and retained an attorney with my credit card, and then went over to a neighbor's house where lots of women were hanging out so that when I found out and went over there she could make it look like she was scared of me and like I was trying to hurt her, with witnesses.  I was doing nothing of the sort, but it's all about control for her.  She has no problems lying to maintain power and control.  Later in the divorce, when it looked like I would not go along with her ludicrous demands for money, she filed a phony restraining order against me, making up things I did and exaggerating others, claiming she was "scared".  I was removed from my own house and only able to see my kids for one night on weekends at a hotel.  She told me over the phone, "Give me the numbers I want, and I'll drop the restraining order."  I hope you see what I mean... any situations that place you near her, especially when alone, make you vulnerable.  If possible, it might be good to see if you can get an order for exclusive use of the house so that she will need to leave (if you have kids).

2. Be wary of ploys to return to the status quo.  My ex was and still is great at "jailhouse confessions."  When the jig is up, and she gets over her initial anger or melt-down, she flipped the switch back into "sweet" mode to try and smooth me over and regain my compliance.  It worked a few times.  As soon as I acquiesced, the switch flipped back to the real her.  She might cry, make you feel guilty, promise to go to therapy, etc.  

3. Watch your finances.  Watch your credit cards, and watch your bank accounts.  She might try to drain them.  You know your wife better than I do, but just in general... be careful with this.  Divorces can be expensive, and post-divorce is financially difficult.  You'll need to use your funds carefully and guard them.

4. Sort of summarizing the previous points, it is in your best interests to detach and get separated as quickly as possible.  These things can tend to drag, and the longer you are in the same house the more opportunity she has to make things much, much worse for you.  Don't underestimate the things that could happen.  Not trying to scare you, because it doesn't mean anything like this will happen, but I know a guy who wound up in jail for something he didn't do and had to do a year of "anger management," even though she's the one who blew up on him and smashed a window.  The police assumed he must be the abuser in the situation and that she was "battered".  Divorce is very, very tumultuous, even for non BPD's.  So, without being cruel, I would use whatever legal means available to make physical separation happen ASAP.

5. Learn to pick your battles.  One counselor, given my particular situation, actually advised me to not fight her for custody of the kids.  Sometimes I wish I did, other times... I think I did the right thing.  How did it turn out for me?  I agreed to joint custody.  Today, seven years later, both of the minor children wound up living with me 100% of the time.  I merely maintained a stable home for them and loved them, continuing what I had been doing through her years of neglecting them, controlling them, playing them against each other, or freaking out on them over minor things.  The counselor said that she didn't really want to be a mother, but she would lie and fight me to the death if I ever tried to expose it.  In his opinion, it would work itself out in time and the kids would end up with me.  That is what happened.  But I know that others advise, in other situations, to be meticulous in gathering evidence (which I also did) and using it.  Journals of events, schedules, not holding back from calling the police or reporting things when necessary,  emails, text messages, etc.

Finally, I understand what you mean when you say you don't necessarily want to leave your marriage but more like you need to.  For years I begged and prayed for things to change, and the more I prayed the more things clearly became worse to the point where I couldn't argue with reality anymore and couldn't chalk it all up to me just being the failure to blame.  I realized that this was going to be my life for the rest of my life if I didn't change it, and it would be the life for our kids:  neglect, abuse, constant affairs, using me, blaming me for everything, lying to me, manipulating me, pitting the children against each other to vie for her approval.  Just horrible.  I had grounds for divorce, and so I finally went ahead with it.

[Another One1]

After much thought, pain, heartache and tears, I've come to the conclusion that my BPD wife is unrepentant and refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong or that she needs help.  We live in separate bedrooms and have not really spoken in two weeks (a normal occurrence for us over the past few years). 

I hired an attorney who has dealt with BPDs, and is aware of what might be expected.  My wife needs to be served the court paperwork informing her of our initial hearing (Texas).  There will be a minimum 60 days before any divorce is final.

Our kids are all adults, so the divorce is simply division of property.  All I want is a fair 50/50 split, through mediator, and over as quickly as possible. 

Good on you for getting this far. It's going to be tough for a while, so make sure you have a good support network around you. Be prepared for war to be waged through the kids, courts, police. It may not be, but better to be prepared than caught off guard.

I don't know anyone who has got 50:50. They will likely want you to give money for alimony and if not that, then extra in settlement if her earning potential is lower to make up for lost future.

I need to coordinate with the process server to have these documents given to my wife.

My question is what to expect.  I have an emergency exit plan in case she goes crazy.  I also have thought about telling her what is happening first, when she is calm, because I know she will be terrified and overwhelmed when handed paperwork from the server.

I would suggest against that, but if you do make sure other people are present and it's being recorded.

Does anyone have any other suggestions or advice for what to expect in the immediate future?  My court date is June 5, which will simply be establishing temporary orders, etc.  Anything important to me is already out of the house.  My biggest problem is that my wife is retired and doesn't work, and I work from home...I'm perfectly fine living in separate bedrooms and ignoring one another, I'm just not sure she is capable of doing that.  If not, my attorney is prepared to have her removed since I pay all the bills and am the only one that works and my home office is my place of business.

It's common property so you pay all the bills together.  Legally your money is yours and hers.

That will massively aggravate things. I think you may be better off leaving and seeking to sell the house and splitting the proceeds, over a year or more. Not a lawyer, but I think it would be unlikely the courts would make a financially weaker party homeless

Is it normal to know that divorce is the only solution at this point, but still be so concerned about my BPD wife...almost to the cost of my own well being?

Yes, until they strike back and then the compassion starts to fade. I don't think either is good. You really want this as dispassionate as possible. Your lawyer sounds a bit aggressive if ready to evict your wife. Check you're ok with that strategy.

One of the most useful things my lawyer helped me with was insisting I block absolutely all forms of communication. They then toned down all my ranting and made everything friendly brief and neutral. It made life a lot easier in court.

[MeandThee29]

You really want this as dispassionate as possible. Your lawyer sounds a bit aggressive if ready to evict your wife. Check you're ok with that strategy.

One of the most useful things my lawyer helped me with was insisting I block absolutely all forms of communication. They then toned down all my ranting and made everything friendly brief and neutral. It made life a lot easier in court.

As sad as it is, you have to get to the point that you view this as a business transaction. You may not be there yet, but you'll know when it happens. At some point you have to do what will allow you to come out of this yourself and let her go.

At some point you may have to let your lawyer handle communication too. If the personal attacks are dragging you down and stretching it out more than you want, they may need to take it over. They're used to it. You'll pay, but their job is to get a decent legal settlement. The emotions aren't their business, and that lets you step away and work through your own feelings.