Help. I need to detach with love

[Sa838]

My boyfriend has a light dusting of BPD. He was either raised by a BPD or a narcissist. I won’t know as I’ve never met his mother. What I do know is  that nothing will change.  He has wild abandonment issues and is filled with rage and defense at the smallest of things.
He’s been in therapy for 2 years which is why I’m not sure he’s a full blown BPD, but even if he isn’t he has so many of the traits and triggers. My therapist was the first to suggest he might be BPD intersected with being on the spectrum (which his brother fully is). This was the first time I ever really heard of BPD, but then not a week later my boyfriend told me he thought his mother and last two girlfriends had BPD. His narrative is so skewed, I’m confounded that his therapist doesn’t realize what’s actually going on. How could everyone in his life be the antagonist/sufferer of BPD and have nothing to do with him?
We fight constantly. And I’m constantly accused of being the one who doesn’t care enough or love enough - am the one that hurts him so deeply when I’ve spent countless nights assuring him I love him and that everything will be all right. Holding him while he rages at me.
I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. But that can’t actually be true cause here I am unable to break up with him. Unable to detach because I’m so afraid of being alone. I’m in a hell of my choosing. Why can’t I get out? Why can’t I just see this is the reality and that I can’t change him and nothing will change.
I’ll always be hurt or be made to think I’m the antagonist when I’m just a person with feelings and emotions that are valid to express.
Help. I need out. I don’t know why I can’t seem to just detach with love. Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

First of all, hugs.   

pwBPD are notorious for having double standards.  My uBPD H calls me abusive whenever I mention his behaviour (punching holes in the walls, raging and name calling, anything he does not agree with.)

Only you can decide when to detach with love. For some, it's a matter of months, for others, years.  If your BF is BPD, it's likely that his girlfriends were NPD, as BPDs do not usually find each other as partners.  (BPDs usually pair with codependents or NPDs.)

Put yourself first in all things.   

[once removed]

hi Sa838, and

we are listening.

how long have the two of you been together? what do you fight about?