BPD Mom, Improvement, & Money

[Depression = 72% of members]

(I am going to talk to my therapist about this at my next session)

If anyone helps me out financially, even though I've always needed help of some kind, I feel anxiety about. My BPD Mom is a lot better than she used to be but from about 2010-2016 she was at the height of her "public BPD". (if that makes sense). During, my senior year and the year and half I attended college, I had no help financially or emotionally. My step dad was not in a financial position to help, and the relationships between us then and now are no better. I moved in with a boyfriend two months before I graduated high school. So, from 2011-2014,  I broke up with said boyfriend, lived by myself for about 6 months, got another boyfriend married him and divorced him. In, 2015 I had to claim bankruptcy and move in with my mother which lived in her own apartment. My BPD mom has Chrohn's Disease as well. So, she hasn't worked in years and years. She needed my help equally with with the other bills that HUD did not cover. So, it was an equal need.

Now, with my second husband, we aren't "well off", but we are the bottom of middle-class or the high end of the low class financially. We do well, but when anyone offers to buy things for my son or give me money for birthday, etc. I always accept because it helps out a lot. I never ask, but I never say no. (I know that's a double negative, sorry).  My mother at this point has been in the same relationship with her GF for the last 5 years as well. They do well where they live (six hours away from me) and mom offers to help out my son's birthday and I'm taking summer classes this summer and she offered to pay a payment for me (no strings attached, sort of) and I accepted b/c it helps me. Of course, my mom is doing a lot better mentally/financially then she was 7-9 years ago. She's not  going to therapist but shes been to couple rehabs or so.

Either way, I have this anxiety this overwhelming knot in my stomach that taking money from her changes who I am. I pride myself on being somewhat self sufficient, but in reality I've always had some kind of help from someone. Roommate, boyfriend, or boyfriends parents have shared rent costs with me or let me borrow money w/ which I've always paid back. There's just this scary feeling that by accepting help from anyone, especially my BPD mom, it invalidates my struggles and my decisions in the past. Also, (how terrible this sounds) now that my BPD mom is somewhat better and where I'm only have to deal with rages/episodes very rarely since she does live 6 hours away and she supports my life time/time financially or supports me emotionally, I feel very weird about it. I've talked to my therapist about when my mom posts "proud posts" of me on Facebook that it makes me feel angry. She said it's because she makes it about herself, but when she does help me, I feel guilty forever being angry. Like it invalidates the past. My husband says I have to let the past go and live in the moment.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't why I still "live" in the past.

Thanks for listening.

[LumosNox22]

(I am going to talk to my therapist about this at my next session)

If anyone helps me out financially, even though I've always needed help of some kind, I feel anxiety about. My BPD Mom is a lot better than she used to be but from about 2010-2016 she was at the height of her "public BPD". (if that makes sense). During, my senior year and the year and half I attended college, I had no help financially or emotionally. My step dad was not in a financial position to help, and the relationships between us then and now are no better. I moved in with a boyfriend two months before I graduated high school. So, from 2011-2014,  I broke up with said boyfriend, lived by myself for about 6 months, got another boyfriend married him and divorced him. In, 2015 I had to claim bankruptcy and move in with my mother which lived in her own apartment. My BPD mom has Chrohn's Disease as well. So, she hasn't worked in years and years. She needed my help equally with with the other bills that HUD did not cover. So, it was an equal need.

Now, with my second husband, we aren't "well off", but we are the bottom of middle-class or the high end of the low class financially. We do well, but when anyone offers to buy things for my son or give me money for birthday, etc. I always accept because it helps out a lot. I never ask, but I never say no. (I know that's a double negative, sorry).  My mother at this point has been in the same relationship with her GF for the last 5 years as well. They do well where they live (six hours away from me) and mom offers to help out my son's birthday and I'm taking summer classes this summer and she offered to pay a payment for me (no strings attached, sort of) and I accepted b/c it helps me. Of course, my mom is doing a lot better mentally/financially then she was 7-9 years ago. She's not  going to therapist but shes been to couple rehabs or so.

Either way, I have this anxiety this overwhelming knot in my stomach that taking money from her changes who I am. I pride myself on being somewhat self sufficient, but in reality I've always had some kind of help from someone. Roommate, boyfriend, or boyfriends parents have shared rent costs with me or let me borrow money w/ which I've always paid back. There's just this scary feeling that by accepting help from anyone, especially my BPD mom, it invalidates my struggles and my decisions in the past. Also, (how terrible this sounds) now that my BPD mom is somewhat better and where I'm only have to deal with rages/episodes very rarely since she does live 6 hours away and she supports my life time/time financially or supports me emotionally, I feel very weird about it. I've talked to my therapist about when my mom posts "proud posts" of me on Facebook that it makes me feel angry. She said it's because she makes it about herself, but when she does help me, I feel guilty forever being angry. Like it invalidates the past. My husband says I have to let the past go and live in the moment.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't why I still "live" in the past.

Thanks for listening.

[Turkish]

 Do you feel shame about accepting help, like it invalidates how far you've come? Or is it something else?

[GaGrl]

Has your mother, in the past, agreed or offered help with no conditions...only to later impose obligations and conditions to the 'gift"?

We have this happen in our extended family, and it is a challenge.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

Trying to put myself in your situation, I would sort of think if she actually gives me some money instead of taking something from me, it's only a partial reconciliation on the pain she has caused me for so many years.

And then if she tries to use this gift as a rationale for you having to put up with manipulation or abuse in the future, just hang up the phone or walk away.  You are not guilty and do not need to feel shame at that point.  A real gift has no strings attached.  Therefore, accept the gifts and don't accept any strings.

I hope things work out.
Take care.

[zachira]

You have mixed feelings about accepting financial help from your BPD mom. On one hand, you really need and appreciate the help, yet somehow it does not feel right. Part of my situation with my BPD mom, is she continually tries to help me financially even though I turn her down, and she would never give her children any kind of recognition for being able to support themselves, even though none of us are financially dependent on her. Some people know how to have healthy boundaries when giving to others and when they do give to others in need try to do the giving in ways that the recipient will feel okay about receiving. I am wondering if your mother does not recognize your accomplishments and has a habit of invalidating you in ways that make you not want to ever take any kind of help from her.