Malignant Hope

[Sadly]

 
For me it was like a dream, always running in the background, especially when things got really bad. Like a bright light, a bit like the Neverland star, it keeps you going through the dark times.
And then, one day, a thunderclap of reality hits, extinguishing that bright light, bringing a new dawn of devastating understanding which brings you to your knees.
For me that moment arrived when I read about a person who decided to end their life by drowning and filled their pockets with stones, part way towards the end when they were struggling to breathe they realised it was not what they wanted and frantically emptied their pockets and rose to the surface. Self preservation! That’s how malignant hope ended for me. My one life, the only one I would ever have, being thrown away, in the name of what? I still love my ex with all my heart, cry for him and his pain and bewilderment and if I could exchange a limb for that dark loneliness inside to leave him, I would, in a heartbeat, but it won’t, it doesn’t work like that and I want to live my life, without fear and recriminations. I gave almost my all, you understand? Thankfully a tiny part of me remained, enough to build on.
Then my friends, then is the time you need to gather your strength, a strength to grieve, mourn the loss and begin the climb back up to becoming you, to finding your lost self. The Neverland star still shines but this time with a different hope xx
How did your malignant hope end?

Love from Sadly x

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for sharing. I'm on my phone, so I struggle with long answers, but this is something to come back to.

[Sadly]

Clearly a crap subject. Thanks.

[hope2727]

I was just thinking how the concept of malignant and hope seem dichotomous yet perfectly describe the sense of conviction and longing that I experienced when my relationship with my BPD partner ended. I had such strong belief in myself and in us a couple that I help on far longer than I should have. It was as if my hope was an infection, a malignancy, that crawled through me so even when I cut part of it away mentally it crept out somewhere else.

[I Am Redeemed]

My "malignant hope" ended after I saw my ex repeat, for the fourth time, a pattern of such destructive proportions that I knew that I could in no way, shape, or form continue with the relationship without suffering possible permanent damage to myself and my kids.

It was then that I knew that if he lacked the self awareness to learn from the past and think about the future, instead of just doing what he wanted in the present moment, that he really would never change. And I was only hanging on if change was possible, so once I knew just how unlikely it was to happen, I abandoned the hope that hung around my neck like a millstone.

[Longterm]

My malignant hope ended very recently.

Being away from my ex for so long and then being around her clearly highlighted the issues. I was becoming ill around her as I once was before. I was questioning my own reality. She represented a broken and hopeless human being, no clue what she was doing. Severely depressed, popping cocodamol like sweets, constantly moaning about some pain or another. She was clinging to me for dear life, she said our daily phone call was all that was keeping her going. When I saw her weekends she always cried when it was time to go home. I think she resented the fact I would not let her move in.

Someone responded to me a few weeks back and said we want to believe the things they say and we want to make sure that our own personal diagnosis of mental illness is correct.

I saw the mental illness in all its dysfunctional glory, I realised that contrary to my own beliefs, I could not help this woman, I have no clue how to, and it hurts.

That's when my hope died.

[OutOfEgypt]

Like "I am Redeemed," it took me seeing the cycles play out before my eyes, and the especially last one after I actually understood the reality of those cycles.  It was a long, painful road of believing, hoping that just around the next bend in the road things would smooth out and we could have the relationship I "knew" was possible.  But by the time of that last cycle, when I had some understanding under my belt and a few years of counseling for myself that was actually helping me, I was so over it I could not wait to get on with it.  I had that "malignant hope" for years, though, and it kept me hanging on, kept me believing it was my fault, too.  Once it settled in that this was really something she would keep doing to me over and over, no matter what I did, no matter how much blame I accepted, no matter how much I improved as a husband, I had already been through so much I was done and over it.  I was determined to move forward to a better, more sane life for me and my kids.

[I Am Redeemed]

Well said, out of Egypt, a hearty "Amen" to all of that.

[Longterm]

Amen.

[G1B8oN]

I just want to thank you all for your words, they're incredibly powerful and feel so relevant at this time.

The lies we tell ourselves are probably one of the worst forms of self harm we can inflict and when those lies are exposed for the underlying truth it's truly earth-shattering.

[Leonis]

I still have malignant hope.

But, it all depends on my mood and how I feel at the time. Sometimes, I can't be bothered. Sometimes, I wish she would help herself. Sometimes, I wish there was something I could do, especially when we have a kid together.

Then, there are other days when I wish I could see karma unleash its fury on her.

[Sadly]

Hard isn’t it? So very hard. From 2015 I have struggled and there was good old malignant hope dragging me back in for yet another go. It’s hard to believe, after all the lessons and all the reading of peoples despair on here that MH lingers around like a bad smell just waiting for your lowest ebb before rearing its ugly head. Again.  I am ever grateful for the support I have always received here,  even when my shame at being at being recycled so often almost paralysed me. Even when common sense and intelligence told me there would be no me if I didn’t walk away, I went back.
Strange, so many stages to get through, I think anger was the easiest for me, but with each stage, each realisation,  comes the sadness, the gradual inevitability of the end.
I feel a deep unhappiness for myself but a deeper one for him, I am out, he will never be. I learnt that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I learnt that I was mourning something I didn’t ever really have, and I finally learnt to let go the malignant hope that somehow he would be miraculously cured and we could live happily ever after. Now, just to deal with the crippling sadness. Good luck all.
Love from Sadly.

[Wicker Man]

I learnt that I was mourning something I didn’t ever really have...

You put this beautifully. 

When I came to a similar conclusion it seemed to be a big step in beginning to understand, stop yearning, and heal.  I chose the words 'I was in love with the idea of her' -I had managed through optimism, naivety, selective blindness, and mental gymnastics to create an elaborate fantasy of a thriving and sustainable relationship...

---again well said.