What should I have done?

[Wilkinson]

This has been my most empowering thread I've been a part of.  I started to re-read from the begining.  Notwendy, your words at first stung.  My head is filled with these lies that I'm not good enough.  I didn't do enough. I'm a failure as a dad and a husband.

The way to finding validation isn't just through people agreeing with you that your wife is abusive. That may be the case but it puts you in victim position and victim position is powerless. You aren't powerless over this.

You're right.  I am being powerless.  I'm not perfect, but have put everything into my role.  When things were bad, I worked on myself.  I improved.  If that wasn't good enough, that's not my fault.  I know I did all I could, all a man could do. 

I don't know if my marriage can be salvaged.  I can do my part, but I have to protect my children and myself.  However, I get to decide my value.
 I'm the one who looks in the mirror and I know who I am, and what I do.
 Thank you all for the empowering messages. 

[Enabler]

I very much agree with FF on this one. Preparation is different to pressing the big red button.

I know you have been inundated with "this is how you should think of things" but hey, I'll add another mode. Do you know anything about decision trees... shall I go left or right?... left... okay shall I go left or right?... right... eventually you get a big tree with lots of different branches. At the end of each branch/twig you have a leaf... these are outcomes. As things stand now you are in "Outcome management mode". In reality you have always been in outcome management mode, you just didn't necessarily know about the consequences of each of your choices, it was more of a case of "I'll go left... ouch, that hurt, next time I'll go right". We are here to give you a little more clarity on those choices and how to behave in a way that could manage your outcomes towards preferable ones and away from intolerable ones.

Today is ground zero for you buddy, you are at the trunk looking at your big old tree. Eternal damnation aside, looking at your life and all it's potential outcomes, knowing what you know at this very moment in time, what are you least tenable outcomes imaginable? To give you a clue this was mine 18m ago.

"Loss of regular access to my kids, long term physiological damage to my children's mental health and repeating BPD cycle in the next generation, financial ruin, long costly protracted divorce" That's the left hand side of the tree. On the right hand side of the tree is my best case scenario, "My wife seeks long term DBT therapy, she stops all contact with her affair partner, avoid any long term damage to my kids mental health, my W and I rebuild a flourishing marriage from the ashes." I have focused 100% of my energy avoiding the far left hand side of the tree, accepting that the far right is likely unattainable with a very low probability chance of happening... plus, on the whole NOT IN MY CONTROL.

I have not been able to control my W petitioning for divorce, I have not been able to control her continuing to have an affair, I have not been able to prevent her from massaging the truth to her friends and family, I have not been able to stop her passive aggressive behaviour, I have not been able to stop her silent treatment and I have not been able to change some of the negative ways she interacts with the kids, I have not been able to change her perception that she has been abused by me for the last 21 years. But, I'm in a vastly better place. I have made huge ground on avoiding long term mental health issues for my kids (I believe), I have a diamond tough relationship with my kids who see me a source of consistent integrity and genuine love, my W certainly sees something 'different' about me but she can't quite make sense of it because it doesn't fit with her fantasy narrative, I'm confident that I will avoid financial ruin, others are starting to see the holes in my wife's behaviour, I have a massively enhanced perception of my own reality. I make vastly better choices KNOWING what the likely outcomes are going to be.

A bit of a twist on the views above about being able to control outcomes by changing your own behaviour... I would soften the point to be that you can massage the probability of certain outcomes by changing your own behaviour. 

Divorce is a choice, it's not a failure or success, it's just another node in your decision tree. You proactively petitioning for a D has certain predictable outcomes which we can walk you through.

I would personally love to get you to a point where you can make AWESOME choices with excellent insight into the probable outcomes. I DON'T want to encourage you to take D off the table as a potential choice, I want you to be prepared for all outcomes and have full clarity over what each choice means in the context of BPD and your family. I would like to see you move away from the concepts of success and failure and towards an area of making positive choices with higher probability preferable outcomes. NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOUR CHOICES... get used to that.

Another point before I finish... here at bpdfamily we believe in unicorns, not everyone is in the right place or has the right insight and experience to believe in unicorns. If you describe a unicorn to some people they will think you're crackers. Once you believe in unicorns you may start to see unicorns all around you. You'll start to see the chaos they create in other homes and families. Be careful who you talk to about unicorns... especially avoid talking to unicorns (or their families) about unicorns, they don't like it at all, and they tend to get very angry.

Enabler

[formflier]

especially avoid talking to unicorns (or their families) about unicorns, they don't like it at all, and they tend to get very angry.

Oh..this is so true.  I used to believe if I could just explain..a bit more accurately than I did before.  (that assumes people want to understand)  

Many just don't want to be challenged.  Their choice.

You also may decide that unicorns aren't for you and that you prefer purple gorillas.  Once you start associating more with the people you want to...you will have MORE energy to improve (affect) outcomes for your family

I faced a similar moment as Enabler, where I realized I couldn't stop a divorce.  I also realized I could change how my family works, even if my wife said no to that.

Compare the person that Notwendy was talking about to the person I'm talking about above.  Who is more in charge of their life...and their family?  More or less of a victim?

Clarity...I now regularly depend on guys on these boards to "reign me in" because I can easily slip into "persecutor" mode or can be perceived as doing that.  Are you familiar with drama triangle?

My family works completely differently than it did a few years ago.  The chances of long term damage to my children is far lower.  I have far more power than I did years ago, even thought (or perhaps because) I use that power less.  When I do use it, I make sure it matters.

We can talk examples later, primarily I use my power to counter harmful religious teaching/practice.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Wilkinson- I want to touch on the "I didn't do enough, I'm not adequate" thinking because it is a common type of thinking in people with co-dependent tendencies. It's something you've read into these posts- none of us said it. But I get it- because it's something I struggle with and I have seen others struggle with this as well.

Where I first saw you do this is when we posted to change your response to her behavior. You felt you were not doing enough. But the message is not that it isn't enough- it was to try something different.

By powerless, I was using the language I learned in 12 step co-dependency groups. I perhaps should have used- ineffectiveness- but we can't control someone else's feelings or make them change. This isn't due to anything lacking on our part- but that we, as humans, didn't create our partners. The 12 steps attributes this ability only to "Higher Power". (Higher Power allows participants to relate to their own religious beliefs). For you, this means you are powerless compared to God, not any lack of trying or ability. Once we realize we have been trying to do God's job, we can begin to forgive ourselves and let go of feeling responsible for things we are unable to do.

Our part: the Golden rule- treat people ethically, however, how they react, how they feel, how they think, and if they want to change- that isn't something we are capable of. Yet, we are capable of making our own behavioral changes- so why not focus on that?

I think we also tend to forget to include our own selves when it comes to treating people kindly. Self care is a part of this work. You are deserving of being kind to yourself too. Spiritually, you were also created by God and God didn't make you less or inferior, or not enough. You are enough. I hope you can believe this.

You aren't the only one who has struggled with these thoughts. I've sat in a whole room of people who have. Sometimes its a message we heard in childhood. I tried to make my mother happy,  but it wasn't enough- because her unhappiness is a part of her disorder. I can't change how she thinks or feels. Perhaps your feelings stem from childhood or also from 17 years of trying to change how your wife feels? Surely you have done enough- but what several of us are suggesting here- is to try something different- whether or not you stay in your marriage.

You have the right to choose to leave- or stay. We can't tell you what the best thing for you to do is. Each relationship is different even though there are similar patterns. There may be people who judge you one way or the other- saying you did enough, or you didn't but they can't possibly know the whole picture. This is your decision.

However, even if you stay or leave, you will be connected to your wife in some way through your children. Working on the relationship tools here will help you either way- they are an investment in yourself. These are skills that belong to you- not to JADE, information about the Karpan triangle, enabling behaviors- these are your skills.

Self care is part of this. Do something nice for you. Be kind to yourself. Maybe it's a walk in the park, listening to music, go get something good to eat. Be kind to yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

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