Painted black or white?

[Carguy]

Hi group!

So once again today I've been doing reading and learning how to heal myself since my ex-ubpd ended it the other day to see another guy from out of town.

Some questions came to mind for me. After she told me then she wanted to look me in the eyes for at least a full minute and somewhat reluctantly I agreed.

During this time she told me with what seemed all sincerity that she loves and cares about me. Tears started rolling down her cheeks as she expressed her fear to me that it could work out between another girl and I and she could lose me forever.

In the past with push and pull I have been painted black many times and been given the silent treatment for sometimes weeks and months.

She wants to keep in contact with my father and wants me to keep a couple of kittens out of a litter my momma cat had for her kids and herself so they can come see them from time to time since she can't have pets at her appartment.

To me it seems this time I'm not exactly painted black but she said she doesn't believe I can give myself to her fully. This new guy is a clean slate basically.

Do undiagnosed bpd's see a little bit in grey too? I know she feels hurt about our history before I understood what was going on.

My councilor believes that since there seems to be a bridge that if I back off and give her space and every so often ask how she is doing that she will come back into my life.

Also this guy lives 2 1/2 hours away. In the past she has became frustrated if I didn't come over when she had a hard day (I live 20 minutes away) and I even went over in the middle of the night when she was having high anxiety about a problem with her ex husband. She also has a hard time with trust and at times believed I was cheating on her or elieved that there was someone else. With these issues coming up in her do you think the long distance relationship will last longer given the space and the fear of engulfment/fear of abandonment or shorter with the frequent need to have the other person right there on bad days and the trust/insecurity issues?

What are your opinions on this, group?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Black or white?

Neither.    I agree with your therapist that if you give her space and just keep very occasional contact very light and no pressure she may come back.  I assume that is what you want?

IMO, many people with BPD (pwBPD) are sincere in what they say when they say it.  Trust issues, insecurity and emotional instability are all going to play a part in this and how they feel can change quickly sometimes. 

It is hard to say how she will deal with the new guy and the distance.

What do you want to happen?

[Carguy]

Honestly I'm not sure. My heart wants her back because she is amazing but my mind isn't so sure. My heart got broke pretty bad and it re-opened a lot of other old emotional scars.

So far all that I have decided his that I need to give myself some space from her  to heal before I can truly decide on that.

I truly do believe that she loves and cares about me. When she looked me in the eyes the other day when she ended it and told me that she does love and care about me and how she thinks I'm amazing and telling me how much I had helped her with her life I believe it to be sincere. She told me that she just doesn't think I can fully give myself to her. That is something she brought up frequently along with believing I wasn't fully honest and open with her. Could never fully understand how I wasn't.

[Harri]

So far all that I have decided his that I need to give myself some space from her  to heal before I can truly decide on that.

I think this is enough.  Actually, this is huge.      Even if you do get back together with her, you will need to do some healing and learning.  We all do otherwise we just get back in the same old patterns, whether in a new relationship or with your ex. 

She told me that she just doesn't think I can fully give myself to her. That is something she brought up frequently along with believing I wasn't fully honest and open with her. Could never fully understand how I wasn't.

In your first post in this thread you mentioned some old trauma.  Do you think that trauma may be causing you to hold back in relationships?  It is possible, but also impossible for me to see it.  Just wondering out loud with you here. 

I truly do believe that she loves and cares about me. When she looked me in the eyes the other day when she ended it and told me that she does love and care about me and how she thinks I'm amazing and telling me how much I had helped her with her life I believe it to be sincere. She told me that she just doesn't think I can fully give myself to her.

This sounds pretty intense when I think about it.   I think it would hurt to hear that... a lot.

How are you doing with it?

[Carguy]

I think this is enough.  Actually, this is huge.      Even if you do get back together with her, you will need to do some healing and learning.  We all do otherwise we just get back in the same old patterns, whether in a new relationship or with your ex. 

You have a good point here. With the recycling of the relationship in the past we ended up in the same pattern. Even when I would try different things.

 In your first post in this thread you mentioned some old trauma.  Do you think that trauma may be causing you to hold back in relationships?  It is possible, but also impossible for me to see it.  Just wondering out loud with you here. 

It's entirely possible. I have a history myself with a mother that basically didn't want me but luckily my grandparents raised me (because of drama with her parents her grandparents raised her too). With old wounds being reopened, in my marriage my now ex wife left me three different times for two different guys. Each time divorce was filed with the final time I went through with it. Her leaving me for another guy reopened these wounds.

This part confuses me because I don't know what I didn't do. The only thing I can think is she always said she didn't feel I was fully open and honest. When she first said this I was confused cause I always tried to be. I remember times of her bringing something up and it would either be something I never thought about or just never thought to say and when I was honest and admitted to it or said how I felt or whatever the answer she would get upset as to why I didn't tell her before or bring it up. Honestly it never occurred to me. It eventually got to where I did feel the need to hold some things back not because I wanted to but because if I told her how I felt or things she was doing that hurt or upset me she would fly into a rage (shaming=walking on eggshells). Other than that I opened up to her about things very few know about me and in some cases no one really knows.

 I always loved close physical intimacy and enjoyed being with her. I don't know if there truly is something  I'm doing or if this is part of her insecurities.

 This sounds pretty intense when I think about it.   I think it would hurt to hear that... a lot.

Yes and no. It hurt that with the love she feels for me that she left me to see another man and possibly give him that love.

How are you doing with it?

It's  a huge struggle. It's  always on my mind and one of the largest hurts I've been dealt in a long time.

[Carguy]

Ok so I'm still learning. I was trying to do excerpts and it didn't work.