Taking Better Care of Myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,
If you have been following my post on the law forums I am in a legal battle with my exbpd.  Lately I feel extremely exhausted, I can't seem to rest because of all the false allegations of abuse that occurs when filing for custody.  I was wondering if anyone can offer any insight on how to "relax" during this whole process.  I was never married to her, I just file for custody modifications.  The false allegations of abuse that keep re occurring runs me down a lot same with her constant lying.  I am looking into seeing a therapist because I feel my brain is fried at the moment.  Does anyone else have any suggestions.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
If you have been following my post on the law forums I am in a legal battle with my exbpd.  Lately I feel extremely exhausted, I can't seem to rest because of all the false allegations of abuse that occurs when filing for custody.  I was wondering if anyone can offer any insight on how to "relax" during this whole process.  I was never married to her, I just file for custody modifications.  The false allegations of abuse that keep re occurring runs me down a lot same with her constant lying.  I am looking into seeing a therapist because I feel my brain is fried at the moment.  Does anyone else have any suggestions.

[Longterm]

Hi NYF.

I would suggest eating well and exercise.

Make sure your getting your 3 meals a day but also try to eat healthily if possible. Eating poorly can cause all kinds of issues physically but also mentally.

The gym will help you feel good by the release of endorphins.

On top of this I would try and spend time with friends and plan activities, blow off a little steam etc.

[JNChell]

Newyoungfather, I’ve followed your posts on the law board.   Quite a struggle. I echo Longterm, especially on the eating well. You can make exercise out of any daily routine. If you want to get serious about feeling better, push ups, leg lifts...hell, google alternative ways to strength train. Plenty of greens. Spinach is easy. Watch the junk food. Lots of broccoli and low fat protein. It might not please your palate at first, but as you start to feel better, those foods will start to taste better. It’s physiology and psychology working together, my friend. Diet matters to the abused. We have control over that. Give it a shot and get creative with it. Never hurts to google.

When I moved into my apartment, I bought an adjustable bench on Amazon and an assortment of dumbbells.

I should shoot to the chase. You’re most likely still getting hits of Cortisol. Look it up and understand that you were in a fight or flight mode for a while. Or perhaps you’re there now
Man, it is very common  to come down from these relationships. To be perfectly honest, I never experienced anything like I had with my Son’s mother in all my life. Maybe my childhood? Pretty wild stuff when we give ourselves space to think and talk about it.

I highly suggest therapy. I suggest laying flat on your back and allowing all of these emotions to wash over you without reacting to them. Breathe. Tell yourself where you are and accept that. It can’t be any different First and foremost, eat a lot of broccoli, make your living space cozy and embrace your life. YOUR LIFE.

[Euler2718]

Go into YouTube and do a search on "guided meditation" and see what that does for you. I usually pick ones by Jason Stephenson. And I look for ones that are a half hour or less.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks everyone, exbpd is very conflicted induced. I just read they like conflict because it makes them feel that they are in control.  I want to try to eliminate as much conflict as possible by avoided face to to face interaction, that's where most of the conflict arises.  Exbpd claims "we need to see each other on a weekly basis"

[Longterm]

Hi again NYF.

I heard similar from my Ex, she said "we need to talk to each other because we have kids". I felt like I was completely betrayed and had been treated like utter trash. I arranged child maintenance through the government and I arranged my having the kids through them directly. This worked extremely well and for 14mths I did not see or speak with my ex.

In an ideal world I think that exes should get along and try to be amicable for the children involved but in my case I felt that it was just impossible trying to communicate with her. Everything was great if I just nodded along and never said no, my refusal to do this and actually voice needs/wants was the issue and whenever I expressed them I was met with anger, NC I felt was my way to go.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi NYF-

I suggest you try Progressive Muscle Relaxation.  This is where  you’re lying on the floor, eyes closed, and told to squeeze and release muscle groups, starting from your toes, and moving up to your face.  It’s amazingly helpful.  Please Search the phrase, “progressive muscle relaxation” and find a you tube video to guide you through it.

For a few years I coached troubled teens in rowing and would use PMR  (I spoke them through it) when we ended gym workouts.  They LOVED it and would often ASK me to do it, even on the dock.  I should have recorded it for those wonderful wacky kids back then.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Newyoungfather, I'm sorry to hear about your legal battle and the false accusations.  With all the stress you are under, I suggest that you make a conscious decision to practice stress reduction.  A good place to start is Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Wherever You Go, There You Are, which is based on his work at the UMass Stress Reduction clinic.  Another approach might be to set aside time for activities that you find relaxing because they require concentration on your part.  For example, I find it helpful to play my guitar, which reduces stress by taking my mind off everything else while I'm playing.  Same could be said for doing artwork, or playing sports, or communing with nature.

Hang in there and keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim