A terribly confusing year, I think my girlfriend may have Borderline

[thbc]

Hello everyone,

I was invited to make a first post and had to choose between the 'bettering a relationship' or 'ending it' forum, and I just stared at the screen for an hour unsure what to do. This really shows where I'm at. I'll try to explain as briefly as I can (though it will be hard since I have so much to get off my chest), and maybe I can find some answers by speaking to people in similar situations.

I met a girl while on vacation in Asia and we really hit it off. I'm 30, she is 33 years old. We grew close very fast and she truly made me feel loved unconditionally. I found this very odd as we just met, but it was really convenient to skip all the uncertainties of early dating, so I just let it go. We had a great week, but already some things started happening that I had never experienced before. One night we found out too late we ran out of condoms, and (very stupidly) had sex anyway. The next day I said we should pick up some condoms when we go out so it doesn't happen again. She instantly burst into tears, saying that I hated her, that I thought she was the type of girl to get pregnant on purpose so I had to pay her, and that this proved beyond all doubt that I would leave her as soon as the vacation was over. I was completely dumbfounded and unprepared for this; I just wanted us both to be safe from STD's and unwanted pregnancy without ulterior motives. She even told me she also didn't want a baby yet, and was wary of STD's, yet she was still angry and depressed beyond all reason.

Later we were in a small house in the jungle, somewhat stressed as we were packing for our flight back to the city, and a very big insect landed on my sock and wouldn't budge. Since she is used to them and I find them quite scary (not proud of it), I asked her to remove it. She started yelling at me in her native language which I don't understand, but it sounded truly nasty. I don't understand what went wrong here, but it might have to do with the fact that she woke up 2 hours earlier to pack than the time we agreed upon together, so she put in more work that I did. I told her 'I will pack my bag in the other room, let's talk in 10 minutes after we cool down', to which she replied "WHAT?" in a huge voice. I just hightailed it out of there. After finishing packing and getting in the taxi she had been giving me the silent treatment for 2 full hours. Finally she told me why she did so: apparently I told her to (I'm very sorry for the swearing, but this is how it happened) "shut the f*ck up". I would never, -EVER-, say something like this to anyone. I was completely stunned and cried for 15 minutes, because her insisting that I said this actually made me almost believe it. She finally agreed I did not say it, but to this day she brings up that I said this whenever she needs ammo.

After coming back home we started video calling. When after a few days I told her I would be unavailable that evening because I'd be going to friends, she started crying uncontrollably again, saying that I don't care about her, that I'm going to my friend to have sex with him as he's my husband (which she later reframed as a joke, but she was initially upset while saying it even though the entire premise is patently absurd), and that it is very normal to spend a lot less time with your friends when you have a wife. When i told her she is not my wife as we only met a few weeks ago she exploded and starting guild tripping me (you don't know how much i love you, clearly you don't love me back the same amount, etc.). I set my boundaries very firmly as I'll never let myself be isolated, and the tantrum passed. Since that day the standard ritual has become that I tell her I go to friends, I see her face twist in variations of rage and sadness for 10 seconds, then she wishes me a good time and tells me to call her after. When I do, she is always angry for the first minute of the call, then 180's into saying how much she loves me again.

I was exhausted by all of this, but the good days were very good indeed, as she is very funny, loving and caring. I decided to let her come to my house on a tourist visa for 3 months. It seemed like a good idea as there was a hard deadline on how long she could stay in case things went wrong. Things went alright during the 'honeymoon period', but when I started to pick up my life again (such as watching certain Starcraft 2 tournaments which I truly enjoy) she went completely off the deep end again, even though I told her in advance that this one day I would be taking some me time watching these games, though she could sit next to me or do whatever she wanted. She said that I had changed and never acted like this before, and this certainly meant I would leave her once she went back to her country, that I only used her for sex, and that she was a terrible, fat, stupid person that I could not love. Her nose started bleeding, she started hyperventilating, and then became completely unresponsive for about 5 minutes. I had my phone on hand to call an ambulance, but she recovered and when she saw how much I was crying (I was completely wrecked by this rollercoaster) she went back to loving me "one million percent" (as she always puts it).

The same thing happened when I was tired one day and refused to have sex (even though she had done the same before when she was on her period, at which point I dropped it without arguing and told her it was completely fine). She displayed all the above, and to boot once again told me I only used her for sex, even though I had just refused sex and just wanted her hugs and love. Once again my mind was twisted and bent; I just had no idea what was going through her head, it was so illogical.

I'll just give one more full example and try to keep the rest brief. One day I came home from work with my car; as my work offers free fruit I had taken a banana while heading out. The peel was still on the passenger seat, as I intended to throw in the trash at home. She came out to greet me and saw the banana peel, and freaked out. She told me this must mean that a girl had been in the passenger seat, who had used the banana to make sexually suggestive gestures towards me in an attempt to seduce me. She once again flew into a panic about how I was going to leave her for the 'banana blowing girl', and it ruined the whole evening.

To finish the negatives, she has also threatened to run away and 'get lost on purpose and die', break up with me because she is a bad girl and makes me unhappy (telling her a million times this is untrue doesn't help) and kill the girl I cheat with if I ever were to do such a thing. She has told me if we break up she 'cannot continue' (even though it's always her threatening to break up), that I can break up with her any time as she can take care of herself (i.e. the complete opposite), that it's too late to break up as we are a family already (we're not married and don't live together), and that if she were to die she would haunt me and kill every girl I'd try to be with. She also said if we had a child she would hit it when it was disrespectful; when I said I disagreed severely and this was a reason to break up for me, she said she would only put elastic bands around their arms, pull them outward and then release them as punishment (? I was once again lost for words, who thinks like that).

On the upsides, some boundaries I set have been respected for nearly a year now (i.e. going to friends), she never had an episode in public (when something happened around my family only I could tell, and she hid it completely until we got home), she gets along great with my sister's kids and everyone in my family loves her. She also does not try to cut me off from family, as I've actually seen more of them in the time she lived with me. She somewhat recognizes she has issues ("I know I'm stupid sometimes and I'm sorry, I will try to be better").

I am now faced with the choice of breaking up with her, or getting her a visa to stay in my country indefinitely and try to work on our issues. I still have no idea if she actually has BPD, but I strongly suspect she does. I'm afraid to bring that up because any kind of serious talk I have with her that involves any form of criticism ends up with hyperventilation, nosebleeds and chest pains and hours of crying. I'm afraid that if I bring up BPD it may actually kill her. As a last note, I know that her mother is an alcoholic that sometimes hits her and is verbally abuse; when she was a young child her mother abandoned her to go work abroad, while she was sent to live with her aunt who heavily prioritized her own children (she was never allowed to come on family trips or anything fun, she was basically just kept alive with food and water).

Sorry for the long post; this is the first time I've talked to anyone about this. My questions: does this look like BPD to anyone else, and if so, based on the descriptions, is it the kind that may get better if we work on the relationship together? I love her and I want to make it work, but if nothing changes, I will mentally drained in a few years (I already kind of am to be honest, as I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her..).

Thanks in advance for any replies.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us but sad for what brings you here.  These relationships can be very painful, confusing and draining for sure.

It is hard to say if your girlfriend has BPD as we can not diagnose anyone.  I will say that it sounds like she has some very difficult behaviors and coping strategies that could fit into BPD (among other disorders) so you are in the right place to get support. 

The board you chose, Bettering, really is the best place for you as you will learn tools and skills that will help you cope not just in this relationship but all relationships.   The title Bettering does not reflect the status of your relationship and is appropriate even for those considering a break up so I am glad you chose this one.   

I love her and I want to make it work, but if nothing changes, I will mentally drained in a few years (I already kind of am to be honest, as I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her..).

This is what we can help you with by discussing your options and learning strategies so you can make your best and most efficient effort.  Nothing will change if the both of you keep interacting the way you do together.   I do not say that out of blame though.  We all play a part and if we can improve the way we interact and communicate, we sometimes do succeed in improving the relationship at least on our end. And sometimes it does not work but the point is, someone has to change and it is usually the healthier partner who steps up.

Why not check out this article here and see what you think: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Again,

[GaGrl]

Please private messa by e me -- what culture/country is your girlfriend? I have experience with several Asian countries and how the relationship dynamics develop.

I am on this board because my husband's ex-wife is undiagnosed BPD/NPD, and some of her behaviors overlap with her cultural values and mores. She is Thai.

[thbc]

@Harri, Thank you for the link and your kind words. I will check the article and see if I can handle the next conflict a bit better and let you know how it went. By this point I completely emotionally withdraw when she gets angry and insist over and over again that her fear of abandonment is completely unnecessary (in fact, her episodes due to this fear are ironically the only reason at all I'd ever consider a break-up). She doesn't listen though, and the fact I stay utterly calm and emotionless only seem to make everything worse, as she sees this as me slowly distancing myself from her.

@GaGrl, I can tell you her Nationality here, she is indeed Thai. Which behaviors would you say overlap with the culture? Thank you for your reply.

[Harri]

Hi! 

By this point I completely emotionally withdraw when she gets angry and insist over and over again that her fear of abandonment is completely unnecessary (in fact, her episodes due to this fear are ironically the only reason at all I'd ever consider a break-up).  She doesn't listen though, and the fact I stay utterly calm and emotionless only seem to make everything worse, as she sees this as me slowly distancing myself from her.

I think this is a common way some of us respond to pwBPD.  The thing is, what makes sense and may work for someone who is not disordered or is not highly sensitive, can often come across as invalidating.  While you and I know her fear of abandonment is not necessary, it is a very real and powerful fear that she has.  Telling her it is not necessary could very well be invalidating to her which will not help, will only increase frustration for the both of you and this in turn just feeds the fear.

We talk about the importance on not invalidating people here.  I am going to give you yet another article to read  so you can see what works in a lot of situations and see what you think:  Don't be invalidating Again, changing things up at our end can help quite a bit, not just for the pwBPD but for us as well.  I look at the tools and skills as a form of self-care for me when I am in difficult situations.