Questions about my ex-BPD partners behavior

[JerichoJax]

Hi: 

I am new to  bpdfamily and my counselor has shared she believes my former husband to be a Quiet Borderline.  I have so many questions swirling around my head that don't make sense and have been researching.

My ex-husband in January told me he wanted a divorce though apparently he had been off an on for many months.  He had talked  to his sister.  He even apparently tested the waters of being alone by taking a trip he lead me to believe was to think about his career.  I had known something was up for a long time however when I asked he always said it was because of his career. 

Anyway some of the questions:
1)  After he ended the relationship he kept saying he wanted to be friends.  I had expressed doubts as his friends always seemed to be superficial however he said he would put in the work.  When I finally moved back home (he had moved back 3 months prior) he said we were going to talk about being friends.  Instead the conversation never happened and he said he couldn't make being a friend with me a priority due to his career.  He does want us to be friendly if we run into each other which we have and it felt uncomfortable for me.   Is this something others see with their ex-partner?  Any clues why?

2)  When he left he left our dogs with me and said he didn't wan them.  He said before going silent they are still his girls and he has since the ending thanked me for taking care of them.  He has sent me pictures of their older dog tags he apparently took and has them out almost like decorations.  What is this all about as it doesn't make any sense to me?

3)  He was insistent on wanting the wedding pictures and other mementos from the wedding.  He also took a decorative item we had wine corks from bottles of wine we have drank.  Why would he want these things?

4)  He is routinely on a hookup app even having a profile line offering to give guys oral sex.  While together he told me he wasn't really a sexual person, that sex was just physical and in the last two years we hardly had sex.  Giving oral sex is also something he wasn't into.  Sometimes I feel he is doing this to get me to contact him while other times I feel like this is some form of self harm or something.  Any clues?

Sorry for the long post.  Thanks for any replies.

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[Longterm]

  JerichoJax and Welcome.

  Is this something others see with their ex-partner?  Any clues why?

Yes, this is very common. I have many theories why and non of them good. I think it may be helpful for you to think whether friendship is something that would work for you?

  He has sent me pictures of their older dog tags he apparently took and has them out almost like decorations.  What is this all about as it doesn't make any sense to me?

  He also took a decorative item we had wine corks from bottles of wine we have drank.  Why would he want these things?
 

I have read quite a few stories talking about this and I think it's a lot to do with object constancy, the items will remind him of the dogs and give him a sense of closeness. He may have taken the corks because they remind him of good memories.

  He is routinely on a hookup app even having a profile line offering to give guys oral sex.  While together he told me he wasn't really a sexual person, that sex was just physical and in the last two years we hardly had sex.  Giving oral sex is also something he wasn't into.  Sometimes I feel he is doing this to get me to contact him while other times I feel like this is some form of self harm or something.  Any clues?

A pwBPD has an unstable sense of self and this can cause sexual identity issues, he may be struggling with this. It could be seen as self harming I guess because it can be seen as self destructive behaviour.

You probably have a lot of questions and I look forward to you posting more.

LT.

[No-One]

Hi JerichoJax:
Welcome!   I'm sorry to hear about your recent divorce.  Sounds like you were a bit surprised, but I guess that falls in line with a quiet BPD. 

Everyone is a bit different, but there are common BPD behaviors.  I'll take a guess at your questions.  I'm sure other will have some different input to offer.

1. Friendship:  People with BPD or strong BPD traits struggle with relationships and a fear of abandonment.  i.e. "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".  It can be easier for them to abandon, before they can become abandoned.

2. Dogs:  He may not want the care-taking responsibility. Since you are apt to take better care of the dogs, he left them with you.  He probably did both you & the dogs a favor by doing this.  He probably took the tags as mementos, as he likely cares about the dogs and still feels attached to them.

3. Wedding Mementos:  Is he a bit sentimental?  I've read that some people might hang onto mementos because they haven't quite figured out how they will move on.

4. Hook-Up Apps & Sex:  One trait of BPD is impulsive & risky behavior.  Risky sex is a common behavior for some, while gambling, impulse buying, shoplifting, or drug abuse might be behaviors that others indulge in.

 

[JerichoJax]

Thanks for the responses.  I went through counseling 4 times over the course of the 8 years he was in my life.  The first counselor after the first breakup basically said he was looking for a parent figure.  The second counselor diagnosed me with anxiety.  The third after the most recent breakup with divorce thought he was a narcissist though she didn't specialize in personality disorders and also diagnosed me as codependent.  It was finding someone who specialized in trauma and PDs that I came to learn I had PTSD and that her feeling was he was a Quiet Borderline.  The Quiet Borderline makes so much more sense as he never as an example love bombed and did other things consistent with narcissism though admittedly he does have narcissistic traits.

Right now I am basically reprocessing everything trying to understand not just things that happened recently however in the distant past.  Knowing he is an undiagnosed Quiet Borderline has made a lot of things line up however I am still growing my knowledge and understanding.

Again thanks so much for your replies!

[once removed]

hi JerichoJax, i want to join the others and say

are you wanting to reestablish the relationship with him? be friends? something else?