Effective support for wife and her adult BPD son

[AnonLeeds]

My wife’s adult son has BPD, at least this is the conclusion based on the criteria in “Stop walking on eggshells “.

We do know that a couple of years ago he had a psychotic episode and was forcibly placed in a psychiatric facility for for a short period of time. His condition has changed/improved since this time but developed as BPD. This has not been confirmed by the psychotherapist as his diagnosis has not been shared with my wife.

While some conversations between “John” and his mother remain calm, they frequently end with “John” shouting and verbally abusing his mother. She has recently refused to see him on her own after a particular incident when she feared he migh t get physical. She also wants me to listen to their phone calls.

The conversations regularly seem to revolve around “John” blaming his mother for all his problems, saying she needs help, that she abuses him verbally and is totally disrespectful to him.

While I disagree with the above, what I do recognise is that my wife does not acknowledge his feelings or change her response to what he says. It’s the same battle between them almost every time and I am more and more in the middle trying to observe and counsel my wife.

I have to say “John” remains calm when conversing with me  as he does with most other people we both know.

While my wife has read the above mentioned book she does not appear to have integrated any of the suggestions around communicating with a BPD. She says she has found the book very helpful in understanding her son, but has not found any helpful advice.

After a call with “John” earlier today I encouraged her to read the book again and focus on the tips and guidance provided.
I do think “John” tried very hard to communicate his issues with his mother and what he needed from her. Unfortunately she didn’t seem to get his msg. I tried to convey this to my wife after the conversation ended.

My wife is doing the best she can as she sees the situation to support her son.

I am writing this in order to seek help in my role as intermediary and any other pointers that the community can offer to the three of us.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi AnonLeeds
It is good to meet you. Welcome to the group. I commend you for your care for your wife and her adult son. The intermediary role of a step-parent of a person with BPD is a tricky one for sure but it looks like you have a pretty good handle on it. I wonder if part of the reason why your wife is not really integrating the communication skills that are talked about in "eggshells" is a little bit of denial. Unfortunately BPD is a very (unfairly) stigmatized illness. It can be hard for a parent to accept. I would go easy with her for now and give her time to process everything. In the meantime work on your own communication skills (SET, DEARMAN etc.) Maybe if she sees improvement in the way you communicate with her son she will be more motivated to get in on it herself. How does that sound to you?

[Panda39]

Hi AnonLeeds,

Welcome to the site

For me understanding BPD behaviors has been really helpful.  I am able to take things less personally when I understand what is going on.

The conversations regularly seem to revolve around “John” blaming his mother for all his problems, saying she needs help, that she abuses him verbally and is totally disrespectful to him.

The above stood out to me.  This sounds like a lot of projection...negative feelings about SS(stepson) that he can't handle so he dumps it on your wife so he feels better.

More information on Projection...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

While some conversations between “John” and his mother remain calm, they frequently end with “John” shouting and verbally abusing his mother. She has recently refused to see him on her own after a particular incident when she feared he might get physical.

 

She is setting a boundary here regarding her physical safety that is a good thing.  Has she ever tried setting boundaries around the abusive phone calls? 

She also wants me to listen to their phone calls.

 

I would be wary here, why does she want you to listen? Does she want to problem solve or does she want you to take her side in the conversation? This could lead to Triangulation so it might be something to avoid.

While I disagree with the above, what I do recognise is that my wife does not acknowledge his feelings or change her response to what he says. It’s the same battle between them almost every time and I am more and more in the middle trying to observe and counsel my wife.

It sounds like they are stuck in the same dysfunctional dance they have always done, when you're in it, it's harder to see, and when you've done it for years it's hard to undo that conditioning.  You are able to recognize areas for improvement because you are on the outside looking in.  That is the part of the step-parent role...that outside perspective.

It's good that you are recognizing you are in the middle, because that isn't always a good place to be.  More on the Karpman Triangle...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

It's great that you want to help, but one of the things I learned early on was there is only one person I control and that's me.  I couldn't control my Partners undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), my Partner, or their 2 daughters.  I arrived here an angry/frustrated Panda because I was seeing all kinds of things I wanted to fix or protect them from,  but they all were in their usual roles doing the same dysfunctional dance.

I finally had to let go of trying to control, I could nudge,I could make suggestions, I could provide support, I could provide information, I could change what I did, but I couldn't do it for any of them.  I say all of this not to discourage you from giving your perspective/ideas/support but keep tabs on yourself because you can take on too much (things that aren't yours to take on) and become resentful.

Would your wife consider joining our site?  My Partner and I are both members and it really helped us to speak the same language back in the beginning.

Again Welcome 
Panda39

[livednlearned]

I am writing this in order to seek help in my role as intermediary and any other pointers that the community can offer to the three of us.

I'm the step parent to SD22 and it's challenging! I admire you for looking for support here. Like Panda mentioned, you have a unique role because you're able to see some very intimate, dysfunctional family dynamics with an outsider's perspective. It can be a powerful role.

I started using the specific communication and relationship skills I learned here on H. I realized when it came to SD22, he is too emotionally flooded and in denial for rational thinking.

For example, this would look something like this in your situation:

"I will not listen to abusive phone calls. It makes me feel bad, and nothing good will come of it. I cannot prevent him from making abusive phone calls, and I cannot prevent you from listening to them. I can choose to walk away and not listen. I'll be here for you when you feel hurt and need a shoulder to lean on. You're a wonderful person and I love you -- I admire you for setting a physical boundary with him, and can only imagine how hard that must be for you."

In your words of course  

Is that something you can imagine yourself saying/doing?