Pushed to be the decision-maker

[Ozzie101]

My uBPDh has been much more regulated for months now, but I'm noticing some slip-backs. One of the latest issues is that he's more and more trying to put me in charge of making decisions.

For instance, H is miserable at work and has been for months. He's currently looking for a new job, but hasn't had success yet. I've helped where I can (proofreading letters, looking over the job descriptions he sends and giving my thoughts when asked). It continues to get worse, though. I don't make enough on my own to support us and while we do have good savings, quitting his job is not a wise option.

Tonight, he's got a meeting. Also, SS8 has a pitching practice clinic that a parent is really supposed to attend. Timewise, it would work for him to do both. But, he really doesn't want to go to the meeting because he says people treat him badly there (no clue if that's an accurate assessment or not). Last night he kept asking me what I wanted him to do. I told him I could try to give advice and act as a sounding board, but couldn't tell him what to do. He said “Forget I said anything. Let's drop it.” Was visibly grumpy the rest of the night and this morning.

Some of my reluctance is fear on my part. I know from experience that if he asks me to make a decision and it doesn't work out well, I'll get blamed for it either with passive-aggressive comments or full-on rage.
I'm genuinely trying to help, but I can't full-on make decisions when I don't have all the facts. And I can't really have all the info because I'm not in his position.

I know he's stressed. I know he's miserable. I know he's torn about what to do. But I'm at a loss. Am I right in refusing to make decisions for him? Or am I being a hesitant, self-centered person by refusing? Or am I reading too much into it? I don't want to be heartless. But I also don't feel it's right for me to be put in the position of making the final call on things like this – particularly when it involves his career and I don't have the full picture. It's been happening more and more lately. Curious if anyone else deals with this.

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[Radcliff]

I think in your gut you know what to do, but unfortunately, in the near term, it's the least comfortable of the options.  Cloud and Townsend, in their book, Boundaries, talk about boundaries in a broader sense than we do here.  Their concept extends to include ownership, where everyone needs to carry their reasonable load, and we may assist, but not carry for them.  I found that becoming aware of this really helped me to reign in some of my caretaker tendencies.  If we make decisions for people, we're actually disempowering them, sending a message that they can't do it on their own.  Far from being selfish, if you support someone to make decisions for themselves despite pressure for you to just do it for them, you are being selfless.

You really hit the nail on the head when you talked about context.  No matter how hard you try, you won't have as much context as him regarding his decisions.  It sounds like you already tried convincing him about the limits of how much you can help.  How about if you just show him rather than tell him?  Act as a sounding board, tell him that you're confident in his ability to decide, etc.  If he defers and doesn't decide, that's a decision, and it will be his.  You've got this!

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Radcliffe!

I did feel that was the right thing. I know I've played the rescuer too many times. While I'm someone who loves to help people, there's a point where you just have to let them sometimes figure things out for themselves. He is capable of it. It just makes him pout (or rage, depending on his mood).

Fortunately, this one resolved. He went to the meeting and the practice -- I helped by delivering SS to the field, then went home to fix dinner -- and was actually in a good mood all night after that.

Your suggestion about letting him know I believe in him and his decision-making ability is a good one. I'll think about ways to do that for the next time!

[Cat Familiar]

My husband often punts on decisions too and tries to slough it off on me. I can appear to be indecisive but that’s because lots of things don’t matter to me—I’d be fine with any alternative. For the things that really do matter I tend to be firm and fixed in my opinions. So it can be confusing to my husband that I’m both malleable and extremely rigid.

When he’s trying to make me make his decisions for him, those are the times when he feels weak and insecure. I like the idea of validating him that he’s well equipped to make the decision himself. And knowing that he feels somewhat fragile, I’ll be more decisive about making those inconsequential decisions such as where we are going for dinner.

[Ozzie101]

I can be the same way -- flexible and firm. Stuff like dinner? I'm usually fine with whatever (though if I'm not in the mood for something, I'll say it). But I do have strong ideas on right and wrong. Honestly? I felt like he should go to the meeting. Work responsibility is very important to me. But I also felt like that wasn't my call and I didn't want to be in the position of "making" him do something he REALLY didn't want to do. In the end, he came to the right decision himself. He usually does if given some time to think it over and get his emotions back in line.

In the meantime, I try to be thoughtful and extra helpful in other ways, like you.

He's tried to do it a couple of times with my SS as well. Again, I'm a good sounding board and I'll give my opinion when asked, but there are some things I really think should be up to H and his ex. H has a lot of insecurities about parenthood and that shows at times. I support him as best I can, but for things like "the talk," yeah, I'm not doing that or taking part in it. That can be awkward enough with actual parents and I don't want to scar the kid. Basically, if it's something that will be difficult or awkward, H puts it off or avoids it as much as possible. Result is that SS develops behaviors or forms ideas that are MUCH harder to correct when it finally gets addressed. On that, though, I kind of "let go." If I see a serious problem, I'll say something, but it's probably best not to put myself in the middle of parent-child or co-parenting relationships.

[MidLifCrysis1]

I get the "I don't want to make all the decisions all the time" and "Can't you lead sometimes?" thing kind of often, but when I try to make decisions or lead, I get hammered on for not acting like a team/partnership, not talking things over with her, dictating things in our life...sometimes the no-win/push-pull thing really makes me crazy-frustrated!

[Ozzie101]

Yep. The frustration with me really comes out around his job and parenting — two areas where he has to carry more of the load just by the nature of the situation. Last year when he was in a bad phase, he would frequently throw out how I didn't help much (or at all) with child-related stuff. Regardless of the fact that 1) that wasn't true since I do a lot of chores to pitch in and 2) I'm not the parent. He's not my child. So, yeah, the bulk of responsibility is on H and his Ex. At least he gets that when he's at baseline.