pausercell
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27
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« on: September 04, 2019, 12:06:10 AM » |
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I guess one of the most frustrating things about all this is there are times I just want to tell, not tell at just tell, my soon to be ex wife how badly she's hurt me. But I know it wouldn't make it better and she wouldn't even acknowledge it. I know in her mind all that's happening now is "my fault" even though if you said our story out loud everyone would see it clearly isn't. I'm not angry, I don't want her to suffer or get back at her. But there's a part of me wondering if she'll ever understand the magnitude of what she's done. She's destroyed our family, ruined our marriage, decimated any chance of us ever having anything like a normal friendship/relationship. I'm trying to come to grips with this but it's hard for me to understand how someone I've loved for nearly 20 years could turn so sharply on me and it's even harder for me to understand how she can't see the obviousness of the damaged she's caused. Not only to me but to our children. My fear is that this is going to damage them in ways that they may never recover from. And because she has them there's nothing I can do. I feel helpless. And I can feel that part of me that loved her and would've stood by her through anything slipping away. There are times when I want to call or text her and just ask, "why are you doing this? Do you even realize what you're doing? Do you know the pain you're causing not just me but everyone?" But I know it will fall on deaf ears and it will only serve her purposes of trying to make me look like the "crazy one." The only communication we've had is through a special parenting app. The messages are business like, direct and cold. I suppose that's how it had to be. And I know if I even delve a centimeter into a subject that might t set her off I will lose what little time and communication with my children that I have. It's like her BPD casts this invisible protective shield that no one dares to touch. And I wonder if anyone around her can reach her or tell her what she's doing is wrong and damaging. But I fear that she's surrounded herself with all the flying monkeys she can find. And the longer this goes on and the further the divide grows between us the more I see who I thought and wished she was fade away. It's almost like I'm living through the death of my wife, but she's right there, alive, and moments away by call or text. It's a heavy and crushing feeling to know that the person who you shared your life with is gone and has been replaced with someone who views you as a demon. And the knowledge that I will never see the woman I loved ever again is so painful. She's gone, and sometimes I wonder if she even ever really existed. Or was it just another face she put on because her fear of the real world was too great. I'm coming to terms with the fact that she never really loved me. That the person who I thought I loved was an illusion. That's a bitter pill. And it brings me no comfort. My friend who also went through a divorce with an NPD told me once, "you're never going to convince a crazy person that they're crazy, even if you love them." But I guess I wonder what I'm supposed to do? Wait it out? I try but the grief of knowing that I've lost her for real is like an open wound. I've been assured that in time it'll get better, but the suffering for me now is real. And at times it's all my mind will let me focus on. But those few times when ive seen her face its like looking at a stranger, who only vaguely recognizes me and not in a positive way. In those moments when I do see her I can't bring myself to look at her in the eyes because all my mind remembers is that look in them when she told me that she didn't love me. That all she wanted was for me to leave. Sure, my mind, the thing that has absorbed as much material on the subject of BPD knew that she was splitting, but my heart was broken. Not that it brings me any comfort to know, but will she ever realize what she's done? Will she ever look back and know that she's taken a wrecking ball to everything she told me meant the world to her? Will she regret it? I know and fear knowing that the answer will probably be no. That she will never have the capacity to grasp what she's done. And more over than that thought hurting is the fear that accompanies it. Because if she never fully understands it I fear she'll keep finding ways to hurt me and my kids. That she'll continue on this course of blind rage. And that's where I am now. Hurt by the loss and scared out of my mind as to what is going to happen next, with no way of making her aware of what her actions are doing. Where do I go from here? What do I do? What can I do?
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