Adult Daughter with BPD--What to Do Now?

[AlwaysLearning28]

My 28-year-old daughter was diagnosed with BPD almost two years ago.  She has told me she is a "high functioning" BPD patient.  She is a college graduate and has a job she loves as a music therapist working with developmentally disabled adults.  Learning about her diagnosis was devastating to me, yet at the same time I felt relieved, since behaviors of severe anger, rebellion contrasted with neediness, irrationality, dangerous behavior, and lack of good judgment that I had begun to see in her as early as age 10 (I often had no clue as to how to deal with them without becoming angry myself) were finally explained.  I put my daughter out of our home when she was 22 years old because her erratic and verbally abusive behavior was tearing our family apart.  She had a boyfriend she wanted to live with, and I told her to go live with him after a bad argument we had one day.  She sought treatment four years later on her own following several crises in her life after she left home.  My relationship with her since she left home has been very unstable--like a rollercoaster.  Since her diagnosis, she has been in individual therapy, and she began dialectical behavior therapy in a group setting almost a year ago.  She is aware that there are genetic and environmental factors in the development of BPD, but she seems to be very focused on the environmental factors in her upbringing that may have contributed to her condition.  She says that her father and I caused her BPD because of problems we have had in our marriage and how we treated her as a child.  She told me once that her therapist told her that she would not have BPD if these problems had not occurred.  It is very painful to hear that, and from what I have learned about BPD since her diagnosis, it is very difficult to know exactly how genetic, temperament, and environmental factors work together to cause this disorder in a person.  It is very painful to have her accuse me over and over again when I have done everything I can to take ownership of my parenting mistakes and family problems, and to be supportive of her now as she finds her way toward recovery.  It is especially difficult for me because she may be partially correct, but any mistakes my husband and I have made over the years have been because we didn't know better, and we have always tried our best to be good parents.  I feel a lot of guilt.  I know I can't go back and do the past over again.  I can only change today.  I feel the guilt isn't serving me or my daughter well.  Below I explain a bit of our family background. 

My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and we have two daughters--28 and 24 years old.  My husband and I both grew up with alcoholic fathers and codependent mothers.  I developed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (obsessions mostly) at age 8, but I was not diagnosed until age 28.  I have dealt with depression most of my adult life.  My husband has mild OCD.  Over the years I have learned that anxiety and depression are prevalent in both my husband's and my family histories.  When my husband and I married, we discussed trying not to repeat the behaviors we learned in our alcoholic families of origin.  We succeeded in some ways, but repeated our parents' patterns in others.  There was counseling involved for us over the years--both together and separately, as well as 12-step support groups.  Thank God neither my husband and are alcoholics or use drugs.  Over the years we have struggled a lot in our relationship--with unemployment, finances, relationship issues, and abuse--mostly emotional but occasionally physical, but our marriage has survived, and there is much love between us.  Our life together has not been the healthiest of environments for our daughters to grow up in, but we have persisted.  As a mother, I particularly made a point to hug and kiss my daughters often, frequently tell them I love them, listen to them whenever they need to talk, and give them opportunities to do different things as they were growing up.  These were things I did not get from my own mother in my own childhood, and I wanted to make sure my girls had these important things from me in theirs. 

In my own experience with OCD, which often runs in families, I am aware of the combination of genetic, temperament, and environmental factors that come together in some persons to cause mental illness.  The question there doesn't seem to be an answer to is:  how much of each factor plays a role in the development of mental illness?  Can it even be measured?  Is it individual with each person?  In our family, how much did our dysfunctions contribute to our 28-year-old's BPD situation?  Do I blame myself?  How do I deal with the guilt?

Our younger daughter, who is now 24 years old, was diagnosed with OCD at age 15.  She is on medication, has had very good therapy, and I have been able to support her with my own experiences.  She is presently in graduate school studying clinical mental health counseling--to help young people with mental illness--so they won't have to be alone like she was in their suffering.  I saw her first symptom when she was five years old.  I felt sure when she was diagnosed that genetics played a significant role--with her father and me both OCD sufferers.  My younger daughter does not have BPD.  She has always been a very quiet, introverted person.  She does have a temper, but it only shows occasionally.  She grew up in the same environment at her sister, except she is four years younger.   Her older sister was always more outgoing and got much more attention than she because of her musical talent and her desire to play sports and just be involved socially.  Our younger daughter was in the older one's shadow until the older one graduated from high school.

In my older daughter (with BPD--she does not have OCD), I began seeing extreme anger in her as early as age 10.  As she got older, her anger began to have an irrationality to it.  In high school, she became secretive and rebellious, yet at other times she wanted me to be involved in her life, but when I got involved as she requested, she wouldn't have anything to do with me.  She wanted a career, but had to be pushed to do anything about it.  At one time she told me she felt like two people.  I thought she meant having more than one personality, and that didn't make sense, but I didn't know what it was.  She went to two different counselors and was on medication once before she left home, but little changed.  I thought it was adolescent rebellion, which I knew nothing about, since I did not rebel as I grew up. 

My husband and I, as well as both of our daughters, are all very sensitive people.  I didn't realize my BPD daughter was sensitive until we talked at length after her diagnosis.  Before adolescence, she seemed very calm, independent, adaptable, and enthusiastic.  Once she began acting out with the anger, irrationality, etc., our discipline of her was often harsh.  My husband, in particular, sometimes lost his temper and hit her.  I often got very angry with her as well.  I slapped her in the face sometimes because of her bad language and disrespect. 

I have great regrets about how we dealt with our older daughter's angry, irrational behaviors, which ultimately turned out to be BPD.  I can't undo the problems her father and I had that affected our daughters' lives as children.  I can't go back and redo our older daughter's childhood.  How do I deal with my guilt feelings?  Is my BPD daughter trying to hurt me in her own pain?  In my experience, blaming a problem on someone or something never helps anyone.  Also, is anyone really to blame?  If I had known what I do now, would it have changed anything?  What about the family history of mental illness?  Is it even worth the time to think about it?  I want to move on from this terrible place where I am and learn how to support my BPD daughter. 

I am sorry this is so long, but I really needed to put these details down on paper.  It's the first time I have done so.  Thank you all for reading.  I hope I can experience my own healing and be there for my daughter as a result of being in this group.         

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Always Learning
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. Your life has been quite a journey I see. Your name fits. You really are resilient. It seems your daughter is too. After some really rough times she went into therapy on her own where she received and accepted a diagnosis. That really is huge. I know what you mean about the guilt. It is hard not to feel it particularly when our children blame us for their condition. Maybe it will help to realize that a lot of that blame is projection on their part. If you really were a bad parent you would not be posting here. What is your biggest concern at this point that you would most like to work on with us?
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello AlwaysLearning28.

Be kind to yourself.

I mean it. 

You did the best you could, and you could've done better. Both are true.

The key with your daughter may be to validate that both genetics and environment played a part, so now what? Where do you go from here?

She is learning to piece together why she's the way she is, and it's only natural to look for clues in parenting and childhood. It's possible that once she feels your empathy, she will move on -- DBT focuses more on skills and less on processing original trauma.

It's also possible that she will discover that this is a place to get stuck -- she can keep your attention and stay emotionally engaged, even if those emotions are negative, which in her mind is preferable to being ignored or pushed away.

Do you think you can give her some validation so that she feels heard? If she seems to get stuck, that's the time to gently move her forward so that your relationship does not become defined by what happened in the past.

It's wonderful that she is accepting her diagnosis and willing to get help with DBT. That's a huge gift. It takes a lot of courage to seek help, I agree with FHL that she demonstrates a lot of resilience  

She probably learned that in childhood, too.

[twocrazycats]

Hello Always Learning, and welcome.

I think it's wonderful that your daughter accepts the diagnosis and is working on DBT. This must be very hard for her. It sounds like she might be blaming you to take some of the pain away from herself that she feels as she realizes she has this disorder. I don't think it's rational, so I would not even attempt to argue with it, or try figure out how much her upbringing might have contributed. My daughter blames me for things to ease her pain many times. And maybe the therapist did say that upbringing was the cause or maybe she didn't. I think the only thing that is clear is that your daughter is feeling pain. I might just acknowledge her pain and say to her something like, "Your father and did the best we could at the time. We made mistakes, and we apologize for any pain those mistakes might have caused you. All people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect." This also gives her permission to make mistakes herself and not be perfect. If you daughter is anything like mine, that is. My daughter expects perfection of herself, and of course always falls short. Then she hates herself and blames everyone else (well, mostly me).

It sounds to me like there was much that was positive in your daughter's upbringing: expressions of love,  being there to listen to her, etc. In other words, it was a mixed bag. Just like most people's. But if she's feeling pain that she thinks is related to her upbringing, therapy is the perfect opportunity to process those feelings. I myself don't recall anything horrible in my own upbringing. The worst I can think of is my parents not showing their love for us and not showing us that we were important to them. Not horrible, but it affected me. And before I had children of my own, I spent a couple of years in therapy with a wonderful therapist. Processing all the feelings I had from my childhood was one of the best things I've ever done. So your dd's therapy can help her to deal with her feelings about her childhood and come out so much stronger. It's about her and her feelings more than anything you did or didn't do.

I don't remember if you said you are seeing a therapist, too? Your feelings are important too. And this can be so hard for us parents.

[AlwaysLearning28]

Thank you for your kind and compassionate welcome to this group.  Thank you to all of you for explaining to me just what a big deal it is that my daughter got help, learned her diagnosis, and is getting treatment on her own.  I really want to have a greater understanding of BPD and what she is going through.  I also want to learn how to communicate with her in a way that is supportive of her.  In addition, I want to learn how to deal with the negative behaviors that are a part of her BPD in a healthy emotional way for my own mental health. 

I forgot to mention in my original post that I am also primary caregiver for my 91-year-old mother who has dementia/memory loss.  Thankfully she doesn't live with me, but caring her for the last two years has brought up many of my own abandonment and emotional abuse issues with her, and the combination of coping with both my mother's dementia and my daughter's BPD has caused me much stress.  Learning self care is also really important to me now.  I've always been someone who pushes myself for others with little regard to my own limits, but that doesn't help anyone.  I want to learn not to let hurtful, irrational, and distorted things that are said to me shock and devastate me emotionally.  I also need to improve my boundaries to protect myself from negativity. 

I have made a point many times in conversations with my BPD daughter to admit to mistakes her father and I made in her upbringing, and acknowledge that the difficulties in our marriage and our personal issues have had a negative effect on her and who she is.  In doing this, I always say I am sorry that I/we (but I focus on the "I") hurt her, that I wish things had been different, that I had been there for her in the way she needed it, and that I will do my best to be there for her now.  From what she has said to me, I suspect that she thinks there would be no BPD at all in her life if my husband and I hadn't had problems, and, as one of you suggested, she may be blaming us to divert some of her own pain.  I remember when I was first diagnosed with OCD that it was very hard to accept that this disorder was my responsibility, no matter what factors caused it, and recovery was my job.  I never really openly blamed my mother for it, though, and my father died long before I was diagnosed.  My family never really talked about emotional or sensitive topics.  As I said before, I have always talked about things with my daughters.  Maybe that is why my BPD daughter is so frank with me.  Even though it hurts, I am glad she can come to me, and I regularly tell her she can call me to talk (she lives about 90 miles from me, so most of our contact is by phone and email).  I try to listen more and talk less.  She wants to hear me say I am proud of her and her accomplishments often--I guess that's validation.  So I make a point of doing so whenever the situation warrants it.  What I don't want to do is facilitate her being stuck in some emotional place with me where she can't move forward in her therapy.  I need more of a balance between being the helpful mother and the mother who is there but knows when to let go. 

I know I am not a bad parent.  Thank you so much for encouraging me with your positive comments.  You have also helped me to step back from my hurt and see things more sensibly.  Unfortunately, I am not in therapy myself at this time--no health insurance and tight finances.  I have found much help, strength, and insight in dealing with my mother's situation by joining an online support group for caregivers of dementia sufferers, and I am hoping I will learn a lot in this group as well.  I have done quite a lot of reading about BPD in books I got from our city public library and online, and my daughter gave me an e-copy of some of her DBT materials.  I'm here to help myself--to understand better, to cope better, to support better, and to take of myself better.  Thank you so much for all of your insights.  I am very glad I am here.     

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad you are here too.

[nonbordermom11]

I can totally relate to your situation, my DD is 27, she also blames me for her problems in life, she has not been diagnosed with BPD but it has been mentioned to he the possibility from her therapist. She rejects this and believes she has Complex PTSD, her bio dad left when she was 4 and I remarried a wonderful man who adopted my 2 girls. We never physically harmed the kids and but there was yelling, (he is Italian) and rules, curfews, etc. Her biodad had many issues during his life, pathological liar, phys and mental abuse. We use to say my DD exhibited some of those traits. rebellious, cursing, raging, defiant...you name it...she has hit her sister multiple times even in adulthood, had restraining order on her by a BF family for raging and destroying his property. She claims all that behavior is because she has PTSD from abuse by us. Her therapist also has her working in a DBT book and I sent her one as well. All our conversations lately have been focused on blaming me for all her problems. We had to have her leave the house bc she was threatening us, her biodad stepped back into her life and she went to see him, that lasted 10days and he kicked her out for her behavior. She lives 5 min from him and he wants nothing to do with her. She does not have a car or a job, is going through her savings and won't listen to me, just wants to blame. I call her everyday in hopes we have a good convo but I'm exhausted...I want to help her but she only wants money, she will sit in her room for days and just watch tv and smoke pot. one thought we have is that she will eventually run out of money and reach out for help or get a job, she says she is trying to find one. Once she does we will step in and help her with bills holding off so she doesn't just continue smoking pot all day and get out into the world. Does anybody else have a child that prefers to just be alone?