A bit triggered...working on calming down..sigh

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So...I was all excited to surprise my wife/family with the new air fryer thing that showed up today.  I wasn't expecting it for several more days.

I gave it a test run for lunch and was planning burgers and fries for dinner.  Only need 15 minutes to crank out really good fries.  So nothing was made but everything was prepared.

I'm finishing up homework with the elementary girls and my wife gets home says "hurry up we're going over to my parents"

In between working on the homework I'm asking if we can chat about plans for the evening.  She kept saying I didn't want her to go to her parents and I was saying lets do dinner first and then you can go hang out.

She said that couldn't work because they "had to" go to church later. 

I asked her how we can compromise on this and she stomped around saying "there will be no compromise.  Bundled the kids up and shoved them out the door."

She then made a couple trips back in the house to stomp around and give justifications "if you get to spend every day with your family..then I get to visit my parents when I want." 

Well...you can figure out how this went. 

They are gone...and I'm stewing.  Trying to get my gyros re caged.

Ugg.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So...I was all excited to surprise my wife/family with the new air fryer thing that showed up today.  I wasn't expecting it for several more days.

I gave it a test run for lunch and was planning burgers and fries for dinner.  Only need 15 minutes to crank out really good fries.  So nothing was made but everything was prepared.

I'm finishing up homework with the elementary girls and my wife gets home says "hurry up we're going over to my parents"

In between working on the homework I'm asking if we can chat about plans for the evening.  She kept saying I didn't want her to go to her parents and I was saying lets do dinner first and then you can go hang out.

She said that couldn't work because they "had to" go to church later. 

I asked her how we can compromise on this and she stomped around saying "there will be no compromise.  Bundled the kids up and shoved them out the door."

She then made a couple trips back in the house to stomp around and give justifications "if you get to spend every day with your family..then I get to visit my parents when I want." 

Well...you can figure out how this went. 

They are gone...and I'm stewing.  Trying to get my gyros re caged.

Ugg.

Best,

FF

[once removed]

what ended up happening regarding the recent thread where she wrote you the letter about the park and homework?

what happened here:

"if you get to spend every day with your family..then I get to visit my parents when I want." 

im wondering if this is a bit of tit for tat.

[formflier]

what ended up happening regarding the recent thread where she wrote you the letter about the park and homework?

what happened here:

im wondering if this is a bit of tit for tat.

After talking with P the only thing P wanted me to respond to was that it was important to "get right on the homework".  

I mentioned that to FFw and she agreed seemed pleased and nothing else was discussed.

Reality:  Nothing changed since we get "right on homework".  

She see's her family often (several times a week) and I don't see my family every day (I'm assuming she is talking about my Mom)

Who knows

Just had a phone call with P...processing it a bit.

My wife has gotten somewhat better about coming to her senses and apologizing.  P wants me to play "cool" for a day or two and see if she comes around.  Not rude...but standoffish.

Also...until her emotions come down..no use to bring it up.  Nothing productive is possible.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

It comes to mind that my wife and I have been "closer" as of late.  I wonder if this is some "push" away.

hmm.

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

You know FF, I’ve found that if uBPDbf comes in here spinning a bit and barking “orders”, it seems to be a continuation of something else.  Sort of a follow-up to what he’s just come from in his day (normally being shoved around by his M).  Or something at work. 

I work to let the air settle down, which is way easier for me cuz there are no children here.  I’m also so much more careful to wait and see whether this has anything at all to do with me or not.  Usually not.

Hope this helps?

Warmly,
Gems

[formflier]

Yeah..that's the kicker.  The kids. 

Family plans and lots of other people that get affected.

I appreciate the support.  Basically P advised that if it comes up that I "stay curious" to see what the urgency was.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Ff,
I’m sorry if I am missing “other” vital parts of this thread. What does you wife mean when she refers to you seeing your family often? I assume it’s your mom, as you mentioned. How often do you see your mom? How often does she see her folks? Is she being triggered by her abandonment issues? Is she welcome to your family’s get togethers?

[formflier]

I honestly don't know.  In the past couple months I have spent a matter of weeks (probably 2) with my Mom.  We live a couple blocks from my wife's parents house.  She "stops by" several times a week and sometimes several times a day.

Yes she is welcomed at "my" family events.  In reality it's just me and my Mom now. 

My best guess is my wife is trying to act like it didn't happen.

I'll give it a day or so and bring it up.

Best,

FF

[Fian]

I assume she means you get to spend time with your kids whenever you want - she has to work and can't spend time with them as much.  So when she wants to take the kids to see her parents with her, it is her due.

I think it is also important to be sensitive that she may be feeling pressure from her family of origin to show up that night, and she didn't want to come to an agreement with you that would make her look bad in front of her family.  Aka, "you told me that the kids would come over tonight!"  Of course, she could avoid that by just telling her FOO, let me discuss with my husband first to see if tonight works.

P.S.  That air fryer sounds awesome.  I wish I could convince my wife to get one, but she is moving in the direction of hyper healthy food, so fried food devices are probably a no go.  (:

[formflier]

I was amazed at how crisp the french fries were with "just" hot air.  Not a drop of oil.  Pulled them out of the frozen FF bag.  Put them in for 15 minutes.  Wow.

Switching gears:

It would appear that she is attempting to move on as if nothing ever happened.

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I think Fian is on to something with the idea that she might be feeling pressure or fog from the foo, and got defensive as a result. That was my impression, too. Hence, the coming back inside with justifications.

Do you think she realized she was derailing your plans and started feeling shame, so she felt she had to justify her decision by the tit for tat? Maybe she was feeling internal pressure to please her family and you at the same time and got frustrated.

[formflier]

That makes sense.

Will be interesting to see if we get a chance to chat tonight.


Best

FF

[Red5]

I think Fian is on to something with the idea that she might be feeling pressure or fog from the foo, and got defensive as a result. That was my impression, too. Hence, the coming back inside with justifications.

…maybe she was feeling internal pressure to please her family and you at the same time and got frustrated.

This to me, goes back to the childhood wound thing… even as a grown adult, effectively untreated… how many times have I witnessed, the grown adult 'child', revert right back (age wise) when they are triggered by the parent('s), or even other siblings… *parentification - *infantilization… arrested, not able to cognitively process even in their 40's - 50's when triggered by mum, or pop… 

-break->

Formflier, small highjack here, crypto check... did you receive my transmission on the high side, I sent response to your radio call about eight minutes ago?

Red5

[formflier]

Crypto checks good...assuming you got my reply.



break break

Really looking forward to phone call with my P.  Should be connect in 10 or 15 min. 

I've got lots of other stuff going on..really don't have time for BPD silly stuff

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Good call with P.

Hoping to have a chat with FFw tonight.  My goal is to be "curious" and also to "stay connected" while she is acting out.


I'm going to go back and look through my google history to see if she acted out on previous 9/11s.

That's going to be one thing I'm curious about.

9/11 changed the course of my families life.  I was set to be an airline pilot and navy reservist.  Then they started furloughing airline guys so I stayed on active duty, in fact took a bonus to stay on to year 15.  Then did the last 5 years to earn the pension and benefits.

Who knows..fingers crossed we can talk.

Best,

FF

[once removed]

It would appear that she is attempting to move on as if nothing ever happened.

Would it hurt to do the same?

[formflier]

Would it hurt to do the same?

Yes...one of the things P and I are working on is having me live life without resentment.  Especially resentment of BPDish crazy.

So...there is a fine line to walk of "planting a seed" of consequences of behavior, while avoiding a "confrontation" or "persecution".

The other thing is to "maintain the connection", while she is "doing her BPD thing" or whatever it is.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So..it makes sense now.

She found out on the way home from work that her estranged Aunt (her mother's sister) passed away.  So...now she knows that her mother and mother's sister will never reconcile.  Furthermore she has chosen to be cremated and have no services whatsoever...so there is nothing for my MIL to show up to.

Uggg..very glad I had good P guidance.  I think I was a support and the talk was good for our relationship.

No enough time to explain all now.  Will fill in blanks later.

Best,

FF

[Red5]

So..it makes sense now.

She found out on the way home from work that her estranged Aunt (her mother's sister) passed away.  So...now she knows that her mother and mother's sister will never reconcile...

Formflier, I wrote this (and I’ve lived this)... the other day on another thread...

One thing I’ve come to understand... “if” there were childhood issues... and a certain someone whom could provide closure dies... the person whom was the victim of _____ now cannot get closure... and closure is crucially impotrtant to the person whom was the victim of _____... that said... (another member)... what do you know of your wife’s early years... before you married her?

My first wife, one of her perps was her half brother... he got killed...’she freaked out’... no closure...’then her grandmother passed’...’again... no closure’...’more acting out’... crazy stuff.

Second wife... father... then younger brother dies suddenly... “natural causes”... no closure... she freaked out... acted out’.

There is something to this(?).

Does any of that make sense to you Formflier...

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

How are you doing now, FF, that you’ve talked and you now understand why she was not willing to negotiate at the time?

I’ve heard that airfriers make awesome roasted garlic.

[formflier]

I get the urgency to go over there...and I get how she would be reluctant to talk about it.  Especially when it was fresh.

Basically..I'm good now.  It makes sense.

I still need to kinda put the story together for here..it's a whopper of a family story.

Yeah this air fryer has tons of different modes.

Best,

FF

[DragoN]

it's a whopper of a family story.

Seems most posts around here are these days. 

[formflier]

I need to take some time and lay this story out there...will try to get back to this later today.

Best,

FF