Not really sure where to start ?

[Unsure101]

Hey guys, only just discovered this website the other night after searching round the internet.

Not really sure what to do to be honest, my girlfriend of near enough 3 years ended it the other day, this is nothing new, we've been here before, think this could be the fifth time this has happened , but this time she said it's for certain this time.

She literally exploded over the most pointless thing, it was unbelievable, she asked me to get something from the shop, I didn't see the message till I got home, then it spiralled into a fit of rage, I think it's the first time I actually seen and heard hate in her. The shops is literally round the corner too.

She gave me a number of different reasons why, like to protect me, she's a rubbish girlfriend, I can do better, I didn't get her help, she can't forgive me for what happened at the start, she has too many bad memories here of the two miscarriages she had, I only learnt about the second one as we were breaking up.

During her fit of rage , she said she was suicidal again, and I should have called someone, my argument to that is, last time I did , there was both police and ambulance staff here, she was given the choice of go quietly with them , or they'll use force, quite scary for me , I've never quite experienced a situation like that, and every time I get them involved, she gets 100% worse, so for what I thought was the right thing, doing nothing and keeping an eye on her till she calmed down, she ended up directing that anger on to me. So we split .

She still has keys to the house, and pops by now and again to get stuff, but is living at her mum's atm, well , I believe she is.


I've been more than understanding, told her I'd give her space, she can get her head together , n maybe we can try again...

Then days after , she tagged another guy in a post on Facebook asking him to go on holiday with her, obviously I was angry about this not over the top, I just tend to clam up, but then was pissed when they turned up at mine together to get some stuff, I actually accused her of cheating with him behind my back, coz you don't do that with someone you met.


Anyway, I've tried ignoring her, but she still messages me on Snapchat or messenger, she said she wants no one or nothing, but maybe in a few months things will be different. She's also instigated a day out with me , to either a theme park or cinema and food etc.


Is she just playing games ? I'm torn what to do , obviously I still care for her , but I feel it'll always come back to this if she fails to get help.

She's already out there having fun, I am to an extent, but it feels wrong with me to get with another girl so soon, but if she's doing the same, it's stupid not to, especially if we decide to get back together.

There's always things that don't add up too.

Cheers for reading , and offering advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Unsure101]

Is she playing some kind of game with me ? She still messages me , or sends me a Snapchat pretty much every day of what she's up to.

But she keeps instigating things but not following through ?, Like she asked me to the cinema / get food etc the other day, I told her when I was free , then she didn't respond to any sort of date setting question. I basically said , this is when I'm free, let me know when you want to go.

Then today she messaged me asking if she can come round to get something after work , to which I said of course and it'll be good to see you etc, but she finished her shift hours ago, and she hasn't came ? Then the other day she said , she might pop round for the night but didn't ?

Why would she be doing this ?

I'm just getting more confused , like I've literally sat here like a lost puppy for the last few hours waiting for her to turn up. Now I feel PLEASE READty for waiting for her, when she's probably already at home, or having drinks in a pub somewhere.

Also yesterday I sent her a Snapchat, of me going out for a walk , and she just replied "why are you there, who are you with ?"

I think she knows if she gives me the smallest hope I'll be a good boy , and isolate myself, but I know that's not healthy , it seems a little controlling tbh.

[ColdKnight]

It is very controlling of her. A normal caring person would not do that to you.

I’m assuming you want her back in your life? If you do and you let her get away with this behavior I’m willing to bet she will continue with this until you have had enough or she gets bored and disregards you completely.

Has she treated you this badly in the past?

[Unsure101]

I do and I don't, like when she's good, it's great , she's funny, caring , considerate etc.

But her downsides tend to exceed the good, she's heavily depressed most of the time, she can be cold towards me when she's low, she used to tell me when she goes quiet and starts to isolate herself, that's when the badness sets in, but she has a very real problem communicating with me, and bottling stuff up till it erupts.

I just looked through pictures the other night, and she used to be so happy , we were always very active. , But it just seems like she's being drowned by this overwhelming emotional state and says no one will ever help her.

On the whole though , if given the chance , I would accept her back , but everytime this cycle happens it destroys me a little, and I'm not really sure why I'm putting myself through this if she's unwilling to get help.

I found out where she was last night, she text me saying she was in a pub , when I asked, I thought you were coming over, she ignored the question...

[Unsure101]

Kind of feel a bit worthless today , bumped into her and said a casual hey while passing , she was with her friend so didn't stop or anything, but why could she never spend time with me when we were off together, all I ever wanted was for her to spend time with me :'(

[ColdKnight]

Yep, she is starting the devaluation stage. If you chase her it will only push her away farther. If I were you I would pull back. It may not work but at least you will have your self respect. Chasing never works..

[once removed]

hi Unsure101, and

youve got your hands full. there are a lot of moving parts here.

the first step in reversing a breakup is really to get centered, get on solid emotional ground. we can help you do that.

part of that, and part of reversing a breakup is understanding how and why the relationship ended - what about it was broken, and realistically assessing how that can change.

the argument you had that led to the breakup may have been a final straw so to speak, but i suspect the picture of conflict in the relationship was much deeper and more protracted. youve been together for three years and that this is the fifth time it happened.

tell us what happened some of the other times. what led up to the breakups? what happened after?

[Unsure101]

I think her main gripe with me is she sees me as unsupportive and can't get her the help she needs.

She's been suicidal pretty much from the start , every few months they'd be some incident, when I met her , she was self harming , she stopped that but started over dosing , the amount of times I've took her to a+e , I've even been called out of work by the police to try and sort her out. In her own words she was addicted to pain medication, she'd use a box a day, I kept finding them and throwing them, I'm not sure if she stopped or just does it outside the house these days.

During one overdose incident , I said I can't miss another shift off work to go to hospital with you, I'd already missed a lot, and I literally couldn't , so I sent her there alone in an ambulance. Also once we're there , she ends up getting bored and dismissing herself anyway.

There was also this time where I thrown all the drugs away in the house in anger, and prevention , but she didn't seem phased by that, she just said she'll get more.

I also forbid her to try taking her life in my house, so one time she left she said I'm doing what you said , I found her close to a railway line. She's also told me after an argument that she was going to walk in front of a car that day but I can't be sure.

Most of the issues are caused by her lack of communication with me, she never has a real conversation with me, sometimes we'd go to a restaurant and she won't even attempt to speak to me , but is busy away on her phone ?

There was issues at the start too, ex's on both sides causing issues and leading to trust issues.

She also had a miscarriage and said I was never supportive, but she never told me the severity of the situation, she just said she was going the doctors for a check up, she never explained to me she was having the procedure that day, otherwise I'd have went with her.

Recently she said after a prolonged period she had another miscarriage, and I didn't care, but it's the first I knew of it , she's had periods before , but apparently she took a number of pregnancy tests before and they were all positive, and I did say probably in haste that oh they've been positive before , I didn't think you'd get a clear result till after 12 weeks anyway ?

I guess the main point where things went crazy is about a year and a half ago, I said to her I'd like kids in the next 3-5 years, that almost instigated a breakup , but she later told me that's because she's scared she can't have any.

So yeah , a lot of issues, seems to stem from the uncertainty of having kids though.

[Unsure101]

She sent me a snap this morning of her crying and saying she can't cope ? She instigated the break up in the first place , I didn't ask her to leave ?

But even though I love her, I can't keep taking her back having this instability, where she breaks up , regrets it, becomes too much and leaves again.

Edit - so I  replied back , and she hasn't replied, I hope it's not just attention seeking , like she was getting worried I wasn't messaging her, so she sent me that to gage my reaction .

[Unsure101]

She's just messaged me back saying who were you with in town today , bumped into a female friend who I literally havent seen in years , now she's all defensive .

Erm , I feel like telling her , that's not even your concern , you ended this I didn't. I'm not gonna chill n do nothing while you're doing who knows what.

Asked her where she is , she said she's not even in the town anymore, I was like so that's news to me, thought you were at your mum's , so who's beds that?

Then she goes she's having a breakdown so she's off work. She's probably painted a right picture of me to her work crowd , playing the victim.

So asking her whereabouts has draw the silence card again... I'll keep you updated.

But my point still stands , I can't live in limbo, she wants me or she doesn't. I can't be expected to stay housebound n live by her rules sinking into depression myself . Am I being unreasonable ?

[once removed]

Am I being unreasonable ?

i think the question is whether you are being realistic, and approaching this in a constructive, emotionally grounded way.

it sounds like your partner is a bit higher on the spectrum of BPD than most of us.

its important to understand the implications of that. this isnt a cunning or clever person trying to mess with your mind. this is a person swinging around wildly with desperate and unhealthy coping mechanisms, who cant tell up from down.

right now these sorts of arguments are not helpful or constructive, whether you want to reconcile the relationship, or let it go. theyre more about distrust and trying to win.

i think whatever your path, you need a different direction, and it is likely up to you to initiate it.

[Unsure101]

Tbh she needs real help , I've did the best I can, I think this has been her longest relationship , but she still walked and regardless of her emotions , and to a lesser extent mine, if she's unwilling to seek or get help, I don't see a way of going forward, I've tried protecting her more than she'll ever know, but for my own sanity I don't know if I can carry on even if she comes back.


No one apart from you lot know how bad she actually is, I've never really told any of my friends or family how bad she can get, I've just dealt with it , I'll be amazed if she can find someone else who's did what I've did for her.

[Unsure101]

So she sent me a message earlier today asking if she can come back , I'm really not sure how I feel about this. I said yes of course, but I dunno. I just feel like what's the point ?

I'm actually a little annoyed she thinks she can come and go as she pleases.

[once removed]

she is, as a person, deeply impulsive.

she is acting on that impulse.

its not about coming and going as she pleases - its about impulse control, difficulty self soothing, and doing what will work in the short term without thought of long term implications.

so why agree to something youre not sure about? thats impulsive too, no?

bottom line, what is the plan? you dont want to go back to where things were right?

[Unsure101]

Well she came back , and spent the night , we ended up sleeping together this morning too.

It actually made me realise that I do still care for her, and actually have more time than I thought I would for her.

Anyway, she's shot off again , not in a mood or anything , she went to work, and said she's started getting help, but it's very expensive.

I explained to her that I'm willing to take it slow and go on dates and stuff , but she seemed a tad reluctant to commit and she didn't think it's fair to give false hope, but I explained to her that if she wants to move back in she's free too. But I did say message me when you're free and we'll try and catch up in the week.

Her mood seemed slightly elevated after we had sex , but I dunno.


Like honestly , if she can sort some of the basic issues out , I reckon we'd be fine.

But where do I go from here , do I send her a light message saying something like it was a nice surprise to see you last night, and I enjoyed your company, or would that scare her off ?

I told her I hadn't been with anyone else since we split which is true.

More importantly, do you reckon she's interested in returning at some point ?

[Stillhopeful4]

but she seemed a tad reluctant to commit and she didn't think it's fair to give false hope,

Hi Unsure,

These have been my wife's exact words many times to me.  We've been together 10 years and she's left many times. 

((Hugs)

SH4

[ColdKnight]

Hi Stillhopefull,

When she left what would you do? Just let her go and wait for her to comeback? Would you reach out?

[Unsure101]

I know you were asking the other guy, but I  dunno wherever to reach out to her , or if she's gonna see it as too clingy and she'll run ? I text her after she left , I hoped she has a pleasant day at work, then we spoke very briefly last night over messenger, she was on a night out somewhere.

Not sure if I should message her mid week saying how great it was to see her , and be close to her the other day , or just leave her to message me ?, I basically told her to message me if she's about in the week and we'll meet.

[ColdKnight]

Hi unsure,

When you told her to message you if she was about and you would meet, was that via text? If so did she respond? If it was in person what did she say?

And sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your post my asking another poster a question about his situation.

[Unsure101]

Hi cold knight , Erm , it was in person whilst she was at mine, but I dunno whether to text her mid week if she doesn't get back to me . She asked last week over messenger, if we could meet up and go the cinema of something, she didn't reply to my message , but then a few days later, she sent me a message saying she can't cope, and a few days after that came over.

Tbh Id wait for her to reply, but she basically posted some cryptic message on Facebook, saying she won't chase, but she'll watch the actions of others , I'm assuming me, to gage my next move. However , I don't wanna be seen as too clingy or dependant, and she tends to message me more if she thinks I'm doing fun things out and about. She's still scares of losing me , things like "who you with", "you're out a lot" she even asked me if I was messaging anyone else , I answered truthfully, that yes I am, but not seriously, and for better or worse , she's still the only girl I've been with since we've split atm.


But my house dynamic is changing, my housemate has decided he's going to move out this weekend too. Said he's struggling to pay rent, so he'd rather leave and move in with his new girlfriend . Which may make her more at ease.

[Unsure101]

Oh , n don't worry about the hijack, all opinions welcome

[ColdKnight]

I struggled with he very same thing. During our first go around we texted all the time. After she dumped me I started looking at all these “get your ex back” dating sites and concluded that I had over pursued her and was too clingy. They all say that the women should be doing 80 percent of the messaging. NOTE: the sites for women tell them that the man is supposed to do most of the messaging. If the guy and girl are both following the same advice then nobody is talking to each other!

Then I came across BPD and that really seemed to fit her so I started validating her when she would give me the silent treatment. I would send her one nice validating text each day and got no response. I finally gave up on doing that.

I say all that to say this. If she truly has BPD I dont’ know if there is a right answer. Had I to do it all over again, once she started to give me the silent treatment I would have quit reaching out all together. To me the silent treatment is not answering or returning calls or not returning texts, especially texts that require an answer.

In my opinion I would NOT reach out to her but if you really feel the need to then I would send a fun, playful, light hearted message not focused on the relationship.

Do you feel she is giving you the silent treatment or just not reaching out and waiting for you to reach out. Sometimes it seems there is a fine line between the two.

[Unsure101]

Well just as an update she returned yesterday, apparently her friend was like what are you even doing , so she asked if she could return and I said yes.

She started questioning why I'd give her another chance, when she left me, and how terrible she is.

I just said don't worry about that for now, I still reiterated I want her to get help, and although she's back, neither of us have actually spoke about the relationship , for the time being were still not together , but sort of together, it's a gray area.

With the housemate gone , she talked about moving into the spare room and seeing what happens.

Tbh , we probably will get back together , but who knows. I do feel more positive than I did before the she moved out about the whole thing, but I don't want to go back to the old relationship , as tbh, it was garbage, so she needs to prove that it's gonna be different.

I also feel like , now even if we do get back together, I'm not gonna be dependent on her, I'm gonna be more active with my friends too.

[ColdKnight]

Here is something I wonder about. I posted it somewhere a while back in another longer post:

I read a lot about how pwBPD hate themselves and often tell their partners “I don’t deserve you” or something similar. The general thought is they feel you are higher value than they are and you will eventually realize this and leave them.

What if they hate themselves and distrust someone who can love the terrible person they feel they are. “I am a terrible person and they still love me so therefore something must be wrong with them so I can’t love someone like this”

Just a thought...

[Unsure101]

No idea cold knight , the whole thing is pretty messed up tbh.

Anyway, I need your guys help again.

So she moved back in on Sunday , and we've been sleeping in the same bed, and consequently slept together again.

Anyway, she's still interested in moving into the spare room, paying me of course, and doing the whole break thing , ie, seeing other people , sleeping together / hanging out occasionally , I dunno , basically what people , or flatmates do with each other I guess.

But I just want to know if I should give up on this relationship .

 At the moment , she's still been the only girl I've been with over the years , even when we've split, I just want to know if I should start seeing people myself ? I still care about her though.

I just don't want her to think I'm just a rug you can walk over, ie, she lives the single life , n I'm here to pick up the pieces and be the go to guy when it all falls apart.

What are your thoughts on this ?

I guess , I'm trying to give her the space she needs while loving her the same time ?

She says she was going out for dinner with a male friend later in the week, do you think I should initiate some kind of date or activity ?

The guy she's gonna go on a date with is a prick in my opinion, and already proved to her he's a dick head, but he'll probably throw money at her... But I'm staying out of it , and not getting annoyed, after all, I did say we'd take it slow , and I wouldn't mind if we saw others in the mean time.

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion has continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339597.0