She too had been living outside and homeless for many years

[Bluedawn]

   8 months ago I met C on the street, she too had been living outside and homeless for many years, We became close from that first day on. It wasnt long before we both came to realize we were both infatuated with one another for the next 6 months.

    Until one day she comes up to me out of the blue looking like a mad possessed woman raging and yelling she puts her hand around my throat and begins to choke me. While raging on with some nonsense about me leaving her etc. I drove off not a second after I got her hands off from around my neck. I parked for the night and put all the pieces together to determine it was BPD.

   After seeing her develope relative symptoms known to this disease over the last month or so prior to this. And having growing up seeing my mom with this same sad disease. I knew I had to make a quick decision to either bring this to her attention for her too to accept and understand it and allow help to better her before later or me telling her i cant deal with what I fear she will become and allow this to become a toxic relationship by staying knowing she wont want help.

   Well, 2 days later after seeing her again now in this pre-leading hostel state. I soon begin to cry, She comes to me and soon demands that I let her in her home (our van I own, we sleep out of)  punching on the window and kicking at the doors. I step out and tell her I wont allow myself to be treated like this by anyone other than her. Because I knew she was not the one acting out. And that the real C I knew somewhere inside would never treat me as such. But after us both working on her illness she split after two weeks after failing to control it. I tried But it was no use it only got worse for her and me. Through love and care I put up through more than I could bare. Mentally and more than I had ever thought I would allow physically.

   I still carry the scars she left me. Including on my neck, (arms and wrists in which she drove me to cut and burn myself to try to overcome the mental pain with a physical one. The release never lasted long enough before the next blows would hit me. But I dont blame her for that. Because. By sticking around I caused this pain onto myself.

    Not long after I said my goodbyes to her and explaining all that had happened between us and how I didnt want us to go on a bad note just because what had came between what we once had. But the whole time I tried to get her to listen to me intead I looked deep into her eyes looking for the girl I once knew but began to cry as i had seen C was no longer a part of this physical body. She had been taken total control from this disease.

   After 2 weeks hoping to see her again in hope that she had miraculously came back to invite be into her life again. I knew there was no hope at that time. After seeing that sad and hollow empty stare as she looked through my eyes her ears only hearing still staring somewhere far beyond and past my mind.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board though I am sorry for what brings you here. 

What you describe with your friend sounds pretty intense.   Are you still currently living in your van?  Are you safe?  You also mentioned self injuring.  I am concerned about that as well.  What sort of support network do you have to help you cope and function?

Sorry for all the questions.  It helps to have a clear picture of your situation so we can help you better.  What are you hoping to get out of posting here?  We can certainly listen and help you learn tools and skills that can help you improve relationships. 

Please share more when you can.