My BPD Ex-girlfriend broke up with me suddently

[grayscale]

Hello everyone,

First on all i want to thank you all for sharing and helping other in this website, it has helped me a lot recently.
I will try to explain my situation clearly
I was with this girl for two years now, our relationship was had its ups and down, we had 4 breakups during this relationship which 3 were from me.

After each breakup we were stronger and understood each other on a deeper level. She was a very depressed person that had issues with self-worth and was insecure. I do also have lots of insecurities and self-worth issues.

She tried to kill herself once and was admitted in psychiatric hospital where she stayed for a month.
It killed me to know that she went through all that, when she got back from the hospital she tried to come back with me. After few weeks of thinking (while still in contact with her) i decided that i could do that and we went back together. I was a wonderful two months, some fights but it was very good overall. She was happy with me but her issues were eating her alive from the inside, at a certain point she stopped taking her medication and started cutting herself. There she was diagnosticated with Borderline Personality Disorder and eating disorder and went back to the mental facility.

The first week she didn't have her phone, then we used to talk from time to time, i tried to be as supportive as i could, i read about BPD and how to live with someone having it, i was ready for it, i wanted to fight for her because honestly i love her so much. She was happy when she talked to me excited, she used to tell me about the people there, what she was doing, craking up jokes about us, herself and everything.

One day we talked the night on the phone until she fell asleep, and she woke up to cute text from me, she told me that she loved those texts and they were heart warming that she loved me etc ...
Next day she ghosted me, two days later she broke up with me.

She said it was because we have too much history, she needed to grow and to move on, to turn the page and be selfish.
Nothing i said could change her mind.
In fact i understand and respect her wish and i told her that. But i don't understand the brutality of that decision. It killed me honestly i lost more weight in two weeks than in the last year. I just cannot understand why she did that.

During our relationship we used to fight a lot about her not letting me go out with friends (not to the club just hangout), her not liking some girl and thus not wanting me to go anywhere she was etc ...
In one of our breakup a guy talked to her and something happened between them, it killed me i was very insecure about it i used to compare myself to him and asked her to do it aswell, i litteraly obsessed over him and it went for months.
I do know now that it is not the most attractive way to behave for a man. Moreover, i used to accuse her of stuff, like she didn't truly love me, she didn't want me, she would cheat on me.

I f***ed up big time and i know it now, i started seeing a psychologist and working on my self worth issues.

I am just very confused right now i don't know what to do, i don't know if she will come back or not, she deleted every picture i am in in her social medias, removed me from her IG account etc...

Everyone that know us knew a saw that she loved me so much, and everyone was shocked to see that, even her closest friends. She even told me that she didn't love me as a lover anymore.

What should i do ? Let me know if you need any further informations.

Thank you !

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[Ozzie101]

Hi grayscale and welcome!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If you've been reading around on the site, I'm sure you've seen that your situation is not unique. Many members have experienced a brutal breakup and the pain and confusion that go along with it.
Have you read this article? It might be helpful for you.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

That's excellent that you're seeing a psychologist and working on yourself. I'd encourage you to keep doing that. Also, try to do things you enjoy. Continue (or pick up) a hobby. Do things with friends and family. A support system is so important.

You can't know if she will come back. She might. She might not. But regardless of the outcome, the best thing you can do is to focus on making yourself healthy and secure. If she comes back, you'll be prepared to face the relationship in a (hopefully) better way. If she doesn't, then you will have new skills and tools for any future relationships. Either way, you're preparing yourself for a healthier, happier life.

[once removed]

I am just very confused right now i don't know what to do, i don't know if she will come back or not, she deleted every picture i am in in her social medias, removed me from her IG account etc...

how long has it been since the break up?

[grayscale]

Two weeks now, it's all sudden and brutal. We were actually good before, she told me days before the breakup how much she missed me and everything.

[once removed]

Two weeks now, it's all sudden and brutal. We were actually good before, she told me days before the breakup how much she missed me and everything

a lesson that took me a long time to learn is that women tend to fall out of love in stages. a lot of it happens under the surface. sometimes there are doubts...second guessing...and then withdrawal.

the last time i saw my ex she told me she had fallen in love with me all over again. few days later, she was incredibly distant. turns out shed been thinking about breaking up with me for a while.

all of this (whats boiling under the surface) can be even more extreme for someone with BPD. the swings back and forth, the certainty, the uncertainty, can be even more wild.

so one of the first important steps is understanding what was breaking the relationship down over time, if it is to be reconciled. it looks like youve started that process. multiple makeup/breakup cycles can, over time, erode trust in a relationship as well. people with bpd have inherent distrust in others.

do you know if shes still in treatment? people in treatment will often go through some dramatic changes, cut things, or people out of their lives.

has anything happened since? have you spoken with her?

[grayscale]

In one of our breakup a guy talked to her and something happened between them, it killed me i was very insecure about it i used to compare myself to him and asked her to do it aswell, i litteraly obsessed over him and it went for months.
I do know now that it is not the most attractive way to behave for a man. Moreover, i used to accuse her of stuff, like she didn't truly love me, she didn't want me, she would cheat on me.

I f***ed up big time and i know it now, i started seeing a psychologist and working on my self worth issues.

Now she is back with that guy, and to be honest that's painful knowing how she saw how it crushed me.
It did crush me because he's going to the same college, and they knew each other through me.
Did not talk to her since, i don't know if she is still taking her medication. She started going out more and started smoking heavily.

With time, i could see that she used to manipulate me pretty heavily. Like telling me that that guy was more manly, kissed better, more interesting, dressed better ...
Sometime she lied and persisted in her lie even after showing her rock solid proof, sometimes i used to think that i was crazy and i imagined things.

I understand that's it's her personality that causes her to do that. It's still a very confusing experience. At this point i am just lost. I'll just wait for the pain to go and try to work on myself.

She was the purest humain being, good soul, i loved how she used to buy food for stray cats. I cannot believe that the same person did that. I truly confused.

[once removed]

At this point i am just lost. I'll just wait for the pain to go and try to work on myself.

it would be good to lay low. you dont want to react. you want to let this play out. keeping your distance will look strong.

long term though, youre going to want to think through the conflict the two of you have, how each of you deal with it, and whether its resolvable.

theres a lot of insecurity on both sides. theres a lot of distrust on both sides, and a lot of breakups. if she was telling you some other guy is better, most likely, this is a (really) dysfunctional way of telling you she needs something more from the relationship. its a poor way to communicate, but it suggests your relationship had broken down and that thats how these things were handled, how reassurance was sought.

how are you holding up? any update?

[grayscale]

Well i do actually have new updates, she is appartently now with someone she met at the psychiatric hospital.
 
I didn't reach out to her, i heard from some friends that have met her that she looks kind of unstable (She went out of the hospital against doctors aproval).

For my part, i'm trying to forget all of that. Days are less long and all this story is less painful. There's nothing more i can do. I tried to fix things few days after the breakup, saying that i understand the personality she had, that i'm ready to fight for us and it didn't work out. Now i know that it's because at that moment she had already met that new guy.

I did all i could to take care of her, now i think that it's better to start taking care of me. Not really sure how to tho but it's a start.