What's going on?

[halfbunny]

Hello guys! For more info on my story please refer to my first (lengthy) post.

Since rejecting me as a romantic partner, followed by me asking for space and trying to establish distance between us, it seems like my uBPDx is shifting closer towards me.
After telling me he didn‘t reciprocate my feelings, he went on to tell me he missed me the next day - in a manner that was very unusual for him and sounded more like something I would have said during the relationship (that spooked me a bit).
Yes, I do recognize the classic push-pull.

At first I tried to limit contact to a minimum without straight up ignoring him. I researched a lot about BPD on this site, read a bunch of stories and am now more realistic about my prospects with him. I can accept that a dog won‘t meow and cherish it for what it is - but maybe I'd still rather get a cat.

I try hard to mirror his behavior in terms of response time and avoid disclosing details that I would have shared with him during the relationship (e.g family matters, my daily routine, my emotional state). On one hand I don‘t want to engulf him and make matters worse, on the other hand I‘m trying to protect myself from getting too emotionally attached to an illusion again.

Now, as for my question. I know that I‘m the person closest to my Ex, the only one he has really opened up to and I feel like I‘ve become an anchor to him- he may float away but he remains relatively centered due to my presence.
I assume this because he refuses to go even a day without reaching out, even when I‘ve asked him not to. When we attempted a break during the relationship, he disclosed that not being in touch for a day would send him into panic mode.

Before he actually broke up with me he became less available and our communication was “dry”, meanwhile he was spending more time with a new friend that he admitted to have a bit of a crush on, talking to her about our relationship. Apparently her opinion of me shifted towards the negative (he told me she used to like me), I assume due to something he said.
My guess is that he was starting to idealize her which is what enabled him to end things with me.
Admittedly, she would have been the perfect replacement.
However, after I last saw him the contact has probably dwindled for whatever reason, since he’s been talking to me more and becoming increasingly warmer and more open, using my old pet name and asking for advice.

Is it safe to assume that things with the almost-replacement didn’t work out/are on hold for whatever reason and that’s why he’s more drawn towards me? Am I right for being suspicious about this?
Or what’s your take on the situation?

I’d appreciate any input

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

His feelings about the other woman will likely fluctuate.  You can drive yourself nuts trying to know the unknowable.  Instead, try to focus just on what you can directly observe -- his communications with you, and how the communications between the two of you fit with where you want things to be.

You said that you're trying to maintain light contact with him.  Are you successful in maintaining the contact the way you want it, or has it been tough?  What's your objective?  Do you want space to process things?  Do you want to try to re-engage slowly?

RC

[halfbunny]

Thank you so much for the reply & great questions, Radcliff!

It's really difficult for me to define an objective. I miss the connection and life we used to share but the recent events have woken me up to the fact that I probably saw things in him that weren't there at all. I also got reminded of his ability to switch feelings on and off according to the circumstances- something I find quite frightening.
On the other hand I'm not sure I wouldn't try again with him even though I'm quite certain the outcome would be similar if he didn't commit to therapy.

As much as my heart would like me to open up to him more, my mind knows that my trust in him has diminished quite a bit. I think that for now I need to prioritize my own healing and simply go with the flow until my objective becomes clearer.

[Radcliff]

As much as my heart would like me to open up to him more, my mind knows that my trust in him has diminished quite a bit. I think that for now I need to prioritize my own healing and simply go with the flow until my objective becomes clearer.

This sounds like an excellent plan.  You are doing an excellent job of balancing compassion, realism, and an awareness of your own needs.  Some of us lose touch with those last two parts.

What are you doing for your own healing?

RC

[halfbunny]

Hi RC!
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I have an update on the situation for you (and everyone willing to read through my rambling haha)

As for healing- I've implemented new routines into my daily life, such as going to the gym, journaling and checking in with myself which is  something I never used to do during the relationship. My focus was completely on him and deciphering his behaviour, while rarely addressing my own needs.
A book that really worked wonders for me is Susan Anderson's "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love". The sudden breakup confronted me with deep-seated abandonment trauma from my childhood and by working with the tools Anderson presents in her book, I was able to self-soothe and realise that I really don't need that relationship to survive.  It sure felt like that sometimes.

However, yesterday I triggered myself intensely by checking his crush's social media and my brain constructed this whole narrative of how he has now completely replaced me with someone so much like me and sharing things that were so very defining to our relationship.
I asked my ex if we could talk on the phone- something he had refused to do near the end (saying it sent him into panic mode) and right after. He was very receptive and nice, his voice sounded like it used to when we were together- soft and warm, so much that I forgot what had happened for a second.
He said that he kept his difficult emotions stored away in a mental box at the very back of his mind because he would break down the moment he faced them.
I really didn't expect that level of self- awareness from him- the last time around he had been completely cold and standoffish (think Detached Protector Mode).
I told him that I hoped we could still see each other at some point next year and he reiterated that he really wanted to visit me (something he told me the last time we saw each other, right before he dismissed me romantically yet again).
Considering the circumstances it's a bit of an absurd claim- he's more than 15hrs away from me, yet would travel this distance for someone he has no feelings for. When I reacted with a moment of confused silence, he sounded so much like an insecure child, asking if I didn't want him to come. I assured him that that surely wasn't the problem and I validated his wish to visit but told him that while it may make sense for him, it's a bit more complicated than he thinks.
Just to illustrate the circumstances- I'm fresh out of uni and living back at home for a while. My entire family knows what he's done and how it's impacted me. While they sympathise with his struggles, they probably wouldn't be very impressed if he showed up here, slept in the same bed and went about life like nothing even happened between us, minus the affection he used to give me . For him it all makes perfect sense though.

I'm continuously shaken by the way he can go from being an outwardly confident, emotionally closed off adult to acting like this little child desperate for my approval (meanwhile dismissing me in the role of partner). It's very hard to establish boundaries when I know that they make little sense to him and would only make him feel rejected. At the same time I'd love nothing more than to see him again but I know I'd just be hoping for him to finally dust off his emotional boxes and recover the love he had for me..

[Radcliff]

Yes, we can always get ourselves in trouble by looking at things we shouldn't 

Thanks for sharing that book with us.  Reading can be a great way to learn and process what has happened.

If he came back to you tomorrow and said he realized he was completely wrong, and you were the one for him, how would you feel about him as a potential partner?

RC

[halfbunny]

Very good question again and I've been wondering the same.. I'm highly conflicted about it- on one hand I'd love to just jump right back in, but on the other hand I'm so suspicious of his motives now.
If past behaviour really is the best predictor of future behaviour, then I'd just get myself into big trouble all over again. Otherwise I am now way more aware of his patterns and my own unhelpful reactions so I keep thinking that perhaps we could make it work if we both put in the effort.
However, I will not chase him because I am my no.1 priority right now and as much as I love him, I need to love myself more and make life choices that allow me to explore my options as opposed to remaining hung up on this one person. You could say- the door is closed but if he knocked, I'd still open with a smile.

(Interesting (?) fact: today his crush blocked me on Instagram for seemingly no reason- I've never interacted with her, so I wonder what's going on behind the scenes. Guess I'd rather not know )

[Radcliff]

You are doing an exceptionally good job of thinking things through here.  We definitely can gain some ground by learning our partner's patterns and improving our responses.  Whether that improvement is enough is a very personal question. 

If you were seeing your ex again, what behaviors or situations might be deal breakers for you in the long run?  What are your must-haves in a relationship?

RC