First step - trying to make sense of it all

[BergZiege]

Hello,

I have been married to my wife for 17 years and for most of that time I always felt that something was "off".  Whether she was over reacting to perceived offenses from friends, family, or myself, or ruminating on past offenses and not letting them go (much less forgive).
In the last year I learned that she has been having an affair, and this proved to be the iceberg moment.  There is a lot of detail there which is painful to even think about, much less type.  After being committed to a psychiatric hospital she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  We have two children and I have decided to remain in the relationship, and through individual and group therapy, try to rebuild and maintain the family.
I am really struggling with wrapping my brain around BPD, understanding the triggers, and most importantly what I can do to help her, but avoid being drowned.  At this moment I am exhausted, overwhelmed and feeling pretty defeated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello BergZiege and welcome!

While I'm sorry for what brings you here, I'm glad you've found us. This is a supportive community with a lot of experience and tools to share -- and if you just need someone to listen, we can do that, too.

What you write is so familiar to me. My H and I have only been married for three years and no kids together. But I, too, have seen H overreact to things, threaten to cut off friends and family, take serious offense to seemingly minor, inadvertent things. It is exhausting.

BPD can be overwhelming. I know. I've been there. It was a little over a year ago that I began to learn about BPD and it was both a relief and a frightening thing.

The good news is, there is hope. Things can get better. It takes time, work and patience, but it can happen. Also, while this is all overwhelming, we're here to help you navigate and sort through all the information. Sometimes it helps to break it down into bite-sized pieces.

Also, have you heard of or read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? It's commonly referenced around here. It was very helpful to me and actually led me to find this group.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. Details help us know better how to help you. How old are your children? At this time, what would you say is the biggest threat to/problem in your marriage as it relates to BPD? Is there a particular behavior of hers that stands out?

[BergZiege]

@ozzie101
Thank you for the reply and questions, it sounds as though we are in parallel universes from your own introduction.  Here are the answers and more detail to your questions.

* Also, have you heard of or read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?
Yes, I just purchased a copy this week on my Kindle and at chapter-3.  So far it has served as a confirmation that this isn't normal, which is encouraging and discouraging at the same time.  My expectation (hope?) is that later chapters will provide more context around What to do, and How to do.

*  How are your children?
Boy 9yr
Girl 13yr

 *  At this time, what would you say is the biggest threat to/problem in your marriage as it relates to BPD?
At the gross level - Achieving a reasonable point if stability and reducing my own anxiety and exhaustion.  Next, Protecting the kids.  My logic for putting myself before the kids is that I have to be stable in order to protect them.  A year ago, I was a mess and found a good therapist to get me out of a very dark place. 
At one point there were consistent threats of suicide, and self-harm (e.g. cutting, stabbing, and head hitting).  After the 3-wk stay in the psychiatric hospital, I insisted that we separate and she stayed in an apartment.  Despite having work, travel and maintaining the home environment, I was better off managing that alone because I didn't have to content with the chaos.  While maintaining the separation has been challenging, things have settled down.  That doesn't imply that the chaos has stopped, but rather instead of going to 11 (on a scale 1-10), she goes to an 8, 9 or 10. 
That said, there has been a noticeable amount of collateral damage, particularly regarding our 13yr old daughter.  I try to remain balanced and unbiased, but my daughter clearly knows what has happened, makes comments, and shows contempt for my wife.  At some point, I imagine therapy or at least a formal explanation of my wife's condition would be good for one or both kids. 

*  Is there a particular behavior of hers that stands out?
Oye-vey...  I'll enumerate some, but not all.
*  Lies about people and events
*  Ruminates about past events and/or offenses (always negative)
*  She has instant recall of any bad or questionable thing I've done or said, and consistently creates false perceptions about these.
*  When we have a conflict or fight, the topic goes everywhere.  I can't keep up, I get overwhelmed and just give up.  Note - I'm not trying to win, just come to some sort of win/win or consensus.
*  Total lack of accountability or ownership when something goes wrong
*  Constantly sizing people (women) up and comparing.
*  She used to compare me to other men, but I and the therapists have convinced her that this isn't normal and that it's not okay.
*  Friends and family (her side) are "great" and then a week later, they are "terrible people".  Then they're great again.
*  She will have sprints (1-2days) of being productive, social, outgoing, then crash or have a blowout.
...
I'll stop there.

[Ozzie101]

There's a lot to unpack here. I can't help much about the effect on your children since I don't have any myself. Others here should be able to jump in with advice there -- and you may find similar stories if you read other people's threads.

So, I'm going to pick a couple of points to start:

*  When we have a conflict or fight, the topic goes everywhere.  I can't keep up, I get overwhelmed and just give up.  Note - I'm not trying to win, just come to some sort of win/win or consensus.

Talk about familiar. I'm in that boat often myself. And I'm still working on how to deal with that. The best thing to do, as I've been advised, is to stop those conflicts before they start. Excuse yourself. Because these long, circular arguments end up going nowhere. You may want to come to a win/win or consensus, but when you're dealing with someone with BPD who's dysregulating, you're unlikely to get that.

Have you tried exiting these discussions before the train really leaves the station? For instance, saying something like, "Honey, I can tell this is really important to you. It's important to me, too. I need to take x amount of time to think about it so we can really talk about it. I'm going to go for a walk/go to the store/get some coffee and will be back." How do you think that might work? (Again, this is something I'm still working on. Different approaches work for different people.)

*  Ruminates about past events and/or offenses (always negative)

How do you respond when she brings these up?