New here, mom of a college-aged son with BPD

[Kanga]

Hello,
I am new to the group and just introducing myself. I chose the name Kanga because I feel like I live with Eor, Tigger and Owl (son, daughter and husband respectively). I am hopeful that this will be a place of two-way connection, comfort and insights. I would like to start by saying I send out my heartfelt thoughts to all of the people here because I know how hard this is.

Our son was diagnosed with BPD in early 2019 just after turning 18. It has been a bumpy ride since he was born and earlier diagnoses are ADHD (inattentive) with anxiety and depression. He is resistant to treatment.

We also have a daughter, age 16, who does not have any diagnosis or mental health problems. I am divorced from the father of our children, but happily remarried and both children have lived full-time with me and their stepdad since the kids were 10 and 12 (after 5-6 years of shared placement that was not beneficial for them). My ex-husband displays many of the same mental health symptoms as our son.

At this time, our relationship with our son is as healthy as we can hope for, considering. He trusts us and turns to us/confides in us much of the time. He can be blunt and extremely hurtful, but he can also be loving and appreciative. He is quick to apologize. We try to see his behavior as a manifestation of his illness and address it briefly and by exiting or saying "it's time to end this conversation" when he becomes verbally hostile or rude. When he next reaches out, he always does so with an apology, so we accept it and move on. This seems to work. He is, however, fully estranged from his biological father, whom he blames for his mental health challenges.

It has been a difficult year. We have allowed our son to go away to college and I am anxious over his wellbeing and ability to cope with loneliness with school and with "adulting."  He stopped going to class halfway through his first semester and now needs to repeat it. I am worried he will see through on his suicidal ideation. I despise the way he treats us when he is not at his best; I dislike the negative thoughts that triggers in me.

I will close before this gets too long. Thankful I found this group and looking forward to sharing with you all.
I

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Kanga and welcome  

You're in good company Kanga, thanks for making me smile   wendydarling here, I've one tinkerbell (my 31DD who lives at home) we are based in the UK.

It's been a bumpy road and you've had a difficult year and I can understand how desperately worried you are with your son away at college, how will he cope. There are parents here with adult children who've flown the nest to college and are dealing with issues you raise, you're not alone. I want to share with you from what I hear and my personal experience there are positives, your son is motivated to get to college, there is trust despite some of his behaviours which he does apologise for when he's cooled off~ taken himself away and self regulated, he has insight.

What is the history of your son's suicide ideation Kanga?

  and   across the pond.

WDx

[Resiliant]

Hi Kanga,
Along with Wendydarling I to would like to welcome you to the group!  I read your post this morning, but unfortunately didn't have time for a thoughtful answer but I have been thinking about you today.
Your son and your family reminds me of mine, 13 years ago.  The way that you describe your son is so similar to my son, and my daughter like yours has no history or indication of mental health problems.  My kids also have a father with BPD traits.
I agree with Wendydarling that there is good news here.  It sounds like you have done a great job so far and the fact that he is off to college is a very positive thing.  Also, the fact that you describe your husband as "Owl" and use the word "we" when you describe handling things makes me think that you have good support from a wise husband.  My husband is awesome, but I couldn't refer to him as "Owl"   
Your concerns about suicide ideation and loneliness in college are very valid concerns.  As Wendydarling said, many people (especially us with BPD children) have worries when our adult children leave the nest.  We are suddenly no longer in control.
This is going to be long but this is what I would like to say to you (mom to mom):
We need to take the worry and anxiousness, and turn it into something else.  I don't have a word for it, the best I can think of is "concern with confidence".
It just reminds me of this: my husband and I like to do certain sports that others consider "extreme".  When we  meet people wishing to learn we always teach them that it's about learning to respect the danger, not to be fearful of the danger.  Being fearful of the danger does not let you progress, and could cause problems.  We need to be mindful and respectful of the danger and the only way to not be fearful is to learn all of the skills and use all of the tools available.
So, back to your son.  Your concerns are valid, they are real.  Now what?
Now you learn everything that you can, and find all of the tools that you can.  Go on multiple suicide prevention websites and learn what to say and what not to say when someone is talking about suicide.  Practice with your husband.   Learn everything that is here on this website and in books about communication. 
Stay in touch without looming over him and have confidence in him. 
Honestly Kanga, from what you wrote it sounds like you have already been doing that and now you are going through a transition.  Transitions are hard, and new skills and tools have to be developed. 
It is often said in the BPD world that "everyone is doing the best they can, and everyone needs to do better".   I commend you for how well you have done so far.  You will get through this!
Oops - I wrote this last night and forgot to hit send...!