Devalued yet again... what can I do?

[Gaasden]

Our relationship has improved a lot since I first posted here, and she's gotten much better at controlling her BPD. Her episodes don't last as long as they used to, but she's still impossible to talk to during devaluation, which I could use some advice on.

A couple of days ago, she didn't pass the qualifying test for her dream job, which obviously sent her into a downward emotional spiral. I stupidly decided not to ask her if she wanted to talk about it and gave her space. This of course led to her devaluing me for all of yesterday, but I ended up having a proper conversation with her and apologizing.

We had a great morning cuddling in bed, laughing, and having fun. It's been a few days since we've had sex, so she wanted to give me a handjob before having to leave for work. I wasn't able to maintain my erection, so she asked me what was wrong. I explained that I didn't know, but that it could be because I'd been masturbating for the last couple of days. She jumped out of bed angrily and yelled something like: "BECAUSE I CAN'T SATISFY YOU?" before slamming the bedroom door shut. I went after her trying to explain myself, but she started yelling at me and telling me to go away, which I did.

I'm writing this while she's at work seeking any advice on what I can do. Not only for this specific situation but for every time she devalues me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

This isn't about what you've done its about how she feels about herself. She feels that she is a failure because she failed the test and then couldn't satisfy you. She probably feels like you dont fancy her as you've masturbated.

She struggles with feeling unlovable and inadequate. All you can do is reassure her that she is loveable and even though she failed the test it doesnt mean shes a failure. Its a tough one because your dealing with how she sees herself not how you see her.

[Mutt]

Hi Gaasdan,

stupidly decided not to ask her if she wanted to talk about it and gave her space. This of course led to her devaluing me for all of yesterday, but I ended up having a proper conversation with her and apologizing.

Or you might of avoided because you knew that it’s going to be a difficult situation because of how she reacts. I think that’s normal to avoid someone if you know that they’re going to give you a hard time - that’s not fun at all.

I’d suggest just show some sympathy to her - I’m sorry that it didn’t go well for you. - I hope that you get it the next time.

I explained that I didn't know, but that it could be because I'd been masturbating for the last couple of days.

I wouldn’t explain it because it’s difficult to put a positive spin on it I stead of having her lead you down a treacherous path - think of something light and make joke “It looks like I’ve been stressed out lately and its affecting me in more ways that one” and if she asks you about what’s stressing you out just say “Its just stress baby it’s nothing in general” Why make a thing about it  it happens sometimes - just be light about it.