How to move on from Mother with BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

It has been some time since I have posted on this board. As of recently, it will be almost 2 years since I have had a relationship with my mother with uBPD. A little bit before that, I was able to reconnect with much family who my mother cut out such as my Grandparents, Uncles/Aunts, Cousins - and most are now a part of my life again. We have many catch ups and family events now, something I would not have believed possible over 3 years ago.
The last minor contact I had with my mother was when my grandfather passed in February 2019, when it was decided between the family that my mother should be notified of her father's passing despite 20yrs of no contact. My fiancee made the call and let her know (as I was too nervous and uncomfortable doing it myself), and my mother did not want to know any details of the funeral and did not attend, it was a quick 30 second call. Around this time i felt kind of raw that because of her decisions I lost so much time with my family (16 Years), especially with my grandparents. I got less that two years back with my Grandfather, and my Grandmother is still here but battling dementia.
For the past year, I've been writing and rewriting letters to my mother, not to send them by as a way to clear my head of feeling when they come on. I feel so much betrayal that she was not a proper parent, that she cut out all of my family, then to later cut my sister and I out. She thinks she has been betrayed by us, and that we did so much wrong by her. In her last message to me in 2018, she said she would delete any messages from me unless i call her, see things her way and apologise. At this stage, the thought of calling her to tell her how betrayed and hurt by her actions scares me. Scares me that she won't listen, that she still has a grip on my brain that she can make me feel guilty, scared of her just ignoring me and hanging up before i can say anything.

How can I let go of anger and resentment towards her? How can i stop feeling guilty for everything wrong in the relationship? I have been trying to move on with life, but I find it so hard to move on - how can I free myself from all these thoughts of things being left unsaid between us and just find ways to move forward with my own life.

[Daniel H]

Hi All,

It has been some time since I have posted on this board. As of recently, it will be almost 2 years since I have had a relationship with my mother with uBPD. A little bit before that, I was able to reconnect with much family who my mother cut out such as my Grandparents, Uncles/Aunts, Cousins - and most are now a part of my life again. We have many catch ups and family events now, something I would not have believed possible over 3 years ago.
The last minor contact I had with my mother was when my grandfather passed in February 2019, when it was decided between the family that my mother should be notified of her father's passing despite 20yrs of no contact. My fiancee made the call and let her know (as I was too nervous and uncomfortable doing it myself), and my mother did not want to know any details of the funeral and did not attend, it was a quick 30 second call. Around this time i felt kind of raw that because of her decisions I lost so much time with my family (16 Years), especially with my grandparents. I got less that two years back with my Grandfather, and my Grandmother is still here but battling dementia.
For the past year, I've been writing and rewriting letters to my mother, not to send them by as a way to clear my head of feeling when they come on. I feel so much betrayal that she was not a proper parent, that she cut out all of my family, then to later cut my sister and I out. She thinks she has been betrayed by us, and that we did so much wrong by her. In her last message to me in 2018, she said she would delete any messages from me unless i call her, see things her way and apologise. At this stage, the thought of calling her to tell her how betrayed and hurt by her actions scares me. Scares me that she won't listen, that she still has a grip on my brain that she can make me feel guilty, scared of her just ignoring me and hanging up before i can say anything.

How can I let go of anger and resentment towards her? How can i stop feeling guilty for everything wrong in the relationship? I have been trying to move on with life, but I find it so hard to move on - how can I free myself from all these thoughts of things being left unsaid between us and just find ways to move forward with my own life.

[zachira]

You are asking a question that many members ask on this site who have a mother with BPD: How to move on? You have already done a lot of moving on which takes tremendous courage, as you continue to surround yourself with people who treat you well. You are saying that you would like to stop feeling the anger, resentment, and guilt, which are all normal feelings when you have been raised by a mother with BPD. Anger is a healthy emotion when it mobilizes us to take needed actions like run as fast as we can from a dangerous situation. Anger is a cover up emotion when we stay stuck unable to feel the emotions underneath it like sadness. To process stuck anger, we need to deeply feel the underlying emotions, like cry deeply if there is sadness. Can you tell us more about the anger you are feeling? How much of what you are feeling, do you think is part of still being connected to your mother's emotional system? Our mothers with BPD are unable to deal with their uncomfortable feelings and dump them on those closest to them. We welcome you back and are here to help.

[Daniel H]

Thank you @zachira for your response. I think some of the anger comes from the fact that i had spent the last two years reconnecting with family and piecing the story together of what happened, Even reconnected with my father who left when I was 6 years old and I hadn't seen in almost 22 years to get his side, and with everything I know she did to us it hurts. I thought knowing everything would help, but in some ways it made me even more upset. I still find it hard to remember that she has BPD.
I feel if I am connected to my mother's emotional system in any way, is that I have this level of guilt towards the entire thing of not having a relationship, not trying to make things right with her (in her eyes), guilt over everything. Living under her roof, if she felt you did not do something right or she felt you upset her or you did something that wasn't with her in mind, you would have to go above and beyond and grovel to her to get her to forgive or at-least move on. So I feel there is a part of me that feels in regards to how she feels of me now "what if she is right?"
I know I will always carry some pain of not having her in my life and about what happened and what I feel she did to us growing up, but I hope i can have it to one side for most of the time, atleast allow me to move on and enjoy life to the full. I wish knowing reconnecting with my family, building new relationships and life with my fiancee was enough to let it go, but it is still there.

[safeplace]

Something I learned in ACOA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) was to find my measure of grief.  This helped me a lot to walk through and process the feelings of pain and resentment. I still do this from time to time because of course it's like peeling an onion and we get to new deeper levels as we process through it. 

Basically you write about what you wish you had gotten in your childhood or from a loving mother.  Then you write about what you actually got.  The difference is the measure of your grief. This is just a suggestion that has helped me a lot.  Good luck..you are not alone and sounds like you are doing a really great job!

[zachira]

It is normal to feel angry when you find out the truth about your family's interactions and how you were mislead. You are feeling the anger now and able to learn about your family because you are ready to do so. It can be quite painful decoding all that has happened and once you learn one thing that is painful, you then learn something else that also hurts. You will reach a point where you pretty much have the whole story and have accepted it the best you can yet sad at times because you are not loved and respected by certain family members in the ways every human being deserves.
It can help to remind yourself that the feelings like guilt, anger, and resentment are probably not your exclusive feelings, that these feelings are likely the result of certain family dumping their unwanted feelings on you. Can you ask yourself if this is your feeling or that of your family members or perhaps a bit of both? When you were a child you were unable to protect yourself from these feelings,and now you are an adult able to own your feelings and let the ones go that weren't yours to begin with.
You say you find it hard to remember your mother has BPD. Your mother having BPD does not give her the right to mistreat you or blame her unhappiness on you. You are taking the high road by becoming the best person you can be and are setting healthy boundaries with your mother, which right now includes having no contact with her.
Know that it is a life long sorrow having a mother with BPD that is abusive. Take time to grieve when you feel the sorrow and you will soon feel better.