It's my sister...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm exhausted. She's a professional victim/5 year old although she's in her 60s.

Is it possible for BPD to become more pronounced with age? Or pain?

She's like an abusive partner, switching tactics like changing underwear at least daily. She's "busy, tired, working, hurting (physically)" or "can't". I dialed back interacting with her this past year, but of course, the holidays... Sends me a card, sort of chats via texts then goes MIA (again), says nothing about Christmas. Also sent me a (December) birthday card. I called her to say thank you (mistaking her behavior for ...who knows what!).

I blocked her ph# briefly then decided to research. I'm glad to have found this group. I'm positive I'm not alone!

[KoaPup]

I'm exhausted. She's a professional victim/5 year old although she's in her 60s.

Is it possible for BPD to become more pronounced with age? Or pain?

She's like an abusive partner, switching tactics like changing underwear at least daily. She's "busy, tired, working, hurting (physically)" or "can't". I dialed back interacting with her this past year, but of course, the holidays... Sends me a card, sort of chats via texts then goes MIA (again), says nothing about Christmas. Also sent me a (December) birthday card. I called her to say thank you (mistaking her behavior for ...who knows what!).

I blocked her ph# briefly then decided to research. I'm glad to have found this group. I'm positive I'm not alone!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

Yep, you are definitely not alone.  I am glad you are reaching out for support.

I am not sure if BPD gets worse with age.  Some people say the opposite is true.  In my experience my moms behavior changed as she aged.  As she aged there were fewer loud rages but the behavior become colder and she showed more of a quiet rage if that makes any sense.  There are others here who have experienced the opposite.  BPD, with it's 9 diagnostic criteria has around 257 possible permutations that we can see so it is hard to say "all pwBPD" (people with BPD) or speak in generalities.

I hope you settle in and read and jump into other threads.  We understand here and we all support each other so I hope you feel free to share more.

Again

[KoaPup]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for the quick and warm welcome. I'm sure I'll be settling in here and chiming in more. I'm feeling relief already--as I read in another post "just the names change, while the behaviors are consistant" or something similar to that.

warmly,

KoaPup

[HardTruth]

My sister is 52, and she's still the same.  I think people can change either when they decide they want to, or because influences in their life push them to it.  Neither has happened for my sister.  She's fine as long as everything is going her way, but as soon as a stressor appears, all bets are off.  I'm her favorite scapegoat, and she's trained her second husband to treat me that way as well.  They bolster each other up, and thus never have to look at themselves or their actions.  As long as I'm the scapegoat, he's safe.

I think once the habit of thinking and acting in a BPD way is established, it becomes hard-wired to a certain extent.  Their actions and thoughts are justified...there isn't a part of them that evaluates that because there isn't a strong enough reason to. 

I think it can look like its getting worse as they get older because most of of us become more set in our ways and more rigid in our thinking.  If we're unhappy or in pain...which definitely can occur with aging, then we are apt to be more triggered.

None of these things have anything to do with you.She may be treating you worse, or acting more unpredictably, but that doesn't mean you have done anything to instigate that.  We can't always help how others treat us. 

I used to believe I had control over this/ I should have control.  If I was just calmer, smarter, more evolved, etc, I could make things better.  I think all those efforts are great, but sometimes they are just going to be the way that they are and that's that.

[KoaPup]

Thanks for replying, HardTruth.

I wondered if her ex added to her behavior repertoire. I just don't recall it being so ...petty. extensive. random. grudge-y.

Ah, so maybe I'm her scapegoat. I'm amazed that she's held the same job (in a hospital) for over 20 years. How have her coworkers escaped her wrath all this time? How has she not been written up, repeatedly, over time? She's not one to bite her tongue, except when she goes silent and into Ignore mode.

Thanks again. It helps to hear we're not alone. (not responsible, not crazy either)

[HardTruth]

Yes!  That is one of the maddening things about my sister.  And about my ex-boyfriend who had ND.  It was confusing to me...don't other people see the meanness, inconsistency, craziness?  Maybe not...because the behavior comes out more in certain circumstances than in others, and with certain people rather than others.

With my sister, for example, she doesn't treat her friends or colleagues this way.  Unconsciously or consciously I think she knows that if she did, they would just walk away.  They don't have the same "hook" in as family members or romantic partners do.  She has strong survival skills, and is smart, so doesn't act this way at work.

I think if you look at the BPD literature, there's definitely a common theme where the BPD's behavior "outside the home" can be strikingly different that "inside the home".  This is one thing that just boggles my mind.  I understand it intellectually after learning about BPD patterns, but there is still a part of me (the devil on my left shoulder?) that questions, Is it me?  Maybe I'm wrong? 

And, some of her coworkers may have experienced it.  But they just dealt with it by avoiding her, or trying to appease her, or did other co-dependent strategies.  And they may never have seen the whole picture because they weren't engaged with her on a personal level as a family member might be. 

[TelHill]

I have an older sibling with whom I've never had a close relationship. I have a dBPD mom who's had obvious symptoms since I can remember. My focus has always been on her erratic and abusive behavior. Have been helping my elderly, frail parents for the last few years &  see him regularly as he lives close by. 

Was following the smart suggestions on this site to stay sane with my mom's issues. I was still very tired & agitated though.  I couldn't figure it out until my brother's recent behavior became quite abusive, like my mom. It was obvious to me something was quite off. I thought about other recent  episodes of bad behavior that were not characteristic of his earlier self. I can't diagnose, but suspect he might have some mild Cluster B personality disorder.

I have set boundaries of not telling him about my life and being BIFF. I've let go of expectations of sharing inheritances/family homes or a relationship w/him. I'd rather stay sane than fight. I began this  a few days before Xmas.  It's helped calm my agitation and lift my energy. I feel closer to my old stronger self lately.

He went through a divorce 10 years ago and is getting older/having some major health scares.  These issues may bring out Cluster B disordered behavior per Dr. Google.  Not sure if that's the explanation here.

Good luck. I hope you find a way to deal with your situation. 

[Mommydoc]

Koa Pup, it’s my sister too.   So glad you joined.  This board has been so helpful to me and know it will be for you. My sister is 54 and it has definitely gotten worse with age in her case.  As my parents aged and we have had to deal together with it, our relationship has gotten much more strained.  Like you, I kept trying harder and took responsibility for my part, and didn’t set appropriate boundaries. For me, it had to get ridiculously bad for me to see the pattern... now that I understand the dynamics, looking back, there are so many examples and I honestly feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. 

My sibling is also high functioning and for decades, I though I was the only one she treated this way.  In fact, she is very charismatic and successful ( seemingly) in her field.  My guess is that many  people do see your siblings behavior,  but if your sister is like my sister, she covers it well in superficial relationships.  And if she is good at what she does, people may look the other way.   Unfortunately, I am increasingly witnessing it with her brother in law and nephew.  I have also been witnessing it with people we do business for the estate and at my mothers Assisted Living.

All of this helped me realize like you said "just the names change, while the behaviors are consistent“.   

This board has helped me not feel alone, and been a safe space to seek advice and support.  My therapist is always amazed when things come up in between sessions how much progress I am able to make by seeking input here.  I hope you are able to find the same value and look forward to hearing how it is going!