not getting any better

[jeanoc]

I haven't been on here but I need to once again.  Our BPD has done horrible things to my husband and me over the years. She has been defiant since she was 14 but at 17 she accused us of child abuse.  We didn't start raising her until she was 13 because her mother would never allow her to see us. Since the child abuse claim she went and lived with her grandma from her mom's side. It was a very rocky road with her relationships there also.  Many things happened here and there and it was all very toxic for the family.  We have 3 younger children who have been affected by this.  For the past 10 months I have been in contact with her and give her moral support.  Through all of this, we have helped her with money and sent her to school and pay for her living expenses. A Lot of money in a month is going towards her. She is never happy and is always in a crisis.  normal things for you and I are huge things for her. She has went to the emergency room twice for things you don't go for, because she overreacts.  She won't listen to anyone when she is in a crisis and usually goes off the deep end.  I finally got her talked into going to the Dr. about anxiety and depression. The doctor prescribed her medicine and then she read all the symptoms the medication can give you and she decided she had all of them so she went off the medication.  very frustrating! I told her she needs to talk to someone then and we would be willing to pay for it.   I found out yesterday she has been skipping school and it is going to cost extra if she is going to graduate.  She told me this after she went to go see her boyfriend who lives over two hours away (Skipping School)  and hit a highway marker because she was texting. (she said she fell asleep but I know this probably isn't true because I stress not texting and driving because she is addicted to her phone) She bombards me with all of this that she wrecked the hood of her car that she talked me in to cosigning for her, been skipping classes.  But this  isn't her fault... it is because she is so lonely and most of her college friends live with their parents and don't have a job. (I made her get a job because she wanted more and more money) We give her an embarrassing amount already. So she went off on me about having a job stresses her out, having pay bills stresses her out, (even though we give her the money to pay the bills)and that she is lonely and that is why she having a hard time because she has no support and that is why she skips school and makes mistakes. Mind we talk or text almost every day... WE give her money to live off of and she says she has no support. When she was with us all she wanted to do was be on her own but now she feels like she needs to live with family? I can't and won't do it.  My marriage and family life is so strained from her. She drains all of us.  mentally and financially.  When things don't go her way she blames everyone else and makes the situation about poor her.  DOES THIS EVER GET BETTER? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

hello Jeanoc. First of all take a deep breath. Center yourself. yes things can get better. You can continue to learn the communication skills that help relationships with BPD people. But most importantly you can learn to maintain your own serenity in the midst of the storm. Are you taking care of yourself ?

[smallbirds]

It can get better.
If you can, I would contact a DBT center and see if they have a therapist that you can see as a parent. Even if she won't go, you can learn a lot about having more effective interactions with her.

[FaithHopeLove]

great idea, smallbirds

[jeanoc]

Thanks I was seeing a counselor about it and she taught me to have boundaries with her when I was giong through a really tough time last year.  I don't go to her anymore and have been communicating more and more with  BPD and I think I get manipulated by her and I need to remember the boundaries.  I was more or less venting because it has really been building lately.   I will make an appointment to see the therapist again.
Thanks,

[Huat]

Hello Jeanoc…..welcome back!

Hey...no worries about the "venting."  That is one of the reasons we are here...having a safe place to be able to do that.  Letting off steam is part of the healing process.

As with all of us...this can be a long, difficult journey.  There are very few miraculous turn-abouts in our challenging others.  The turn-abouts pretty well have to happen in us...the ones dealing with them.

One of the tools I have used is to look back onto what I have written in my "vents."  I consider them written by someone else...then think about what I would advise that person to do.

Indeed, your situation is complex...you being the step-mother to this one child...you and your husband having other children together...a real juggling act to keep things "fair"...hard for you, as a couple, to be on the same page.

You write that you were seeing a counsellor.  Did your husband go too?  Not sure what you meant when you wrote you "have been communicating more and more with BPD."  Have you been attending a support group?

Once again...welcome back, Jeanoc.  Keep venting!

((HUGS)...from Huat

[jeanoc]

Thanks for replying Haut.  I went to counseling on my own.  My husband will not go.  BPD Called me in June and we text off and on. Basically she contacted me because she didn't know what to do with herself.  All of her friends were going to college and she was living with her older sister, the one she grew up with.  So my husband and I agreed to pay for the college and living expenses. I opened the door and gradually it is getting worse and worse.  She isn't texting me now since I didn't drop everything for her latest crisis. nothing I say will make it better.  I say the same thing over and over to her and try to keep her on the right track. I try to let her know I am here for her for support but she is never happy.  She has it so good, yet she can't see that.  She thinks she wants one thing but when she has it she still isn't happy then wants a new thing in her life.

[FaithHopeLove]

I I think one of fundamental disconnects that we are dealing with is what determines our perception.   We start with externals that guide guide our internals. But our BPD children are dealing with internals and projecting them outward. For example we see that we have it good  so we are grateful and happy. But  our BPD children start with the internal.  They feel unhappy and  conclude that therefore their circumstances or the people in their lives must be to blame.