I'm Really Stuck, You Guys.

[paperinkart]

Hey everyone!

So things have been a bit unsteady between me and my SO for the last 3 weeks- ever since he went back out of town for work. He's had a couple of short stints of BPD, usually only lasting a day or 2.

I have actually been reacting WAY differently than I normally would- much more empathetic, loving, and way less panicked and freaking out (calling a bunch of times, sending angry texts, etc.). Anyway, I can honestly see SUCH a difference in how he responds to me when I am calm and rational and patient. He's been much more talkative (usually he'll stonewall or ignore me for days...sometimes for weeks when it gets really bad) and he's felt better and been back to normal much quicker than before. He is always apologetic and always thanking me for being so amazing and patient and loving him, even when it's hard.

Anyway, the last few days have been really hard for us. He's had some major stress at work and with his child, and has entered into a very depressive BPD state. He hasn't taken any of my calls for 3 days and barely replied to texts. I was just as patient this time and let him know that I cared for him, and I'm happy to give him space but would love to hear from him when he's ready.

He finally called last night and said he was feeling much better. He thanked me again. He let me know a lot of this was happening because he feels like he's lost all of his confidence and generally feels "lost" in life. I told him I understood.

So anyway, fast forward to this morning. I slipped up and got mad about something he said. I thought he was feeling better after our conversation last night and I thought he could handle a little...I don't know, tough love? I was just upset after he said something a bit insensitive and I asked him to have more consideration for my feelings in the future.

He just sent me a whole bunch of messages that go like this:

"Maybe we shouldn't talk. I'm embarrassed. And you don't deserve what I say to you. You don't deserve the anxiety that I cause. And the endless thoughts of uncertainty. You must let me go. I'm too much for you and for too long. You've shed enough tears because of me".

So of course I tried to call a few times, no answer. I wrote back the following:

"I'm not sure why you're still ignoring my calls but I don't think you're feeling better yet. Maybe you can't see it but I think you're pushing me away because you're scared. It's part of the pattern. And it's okay to feel scared.

Like I've said the last couple of days, if you need some alone time, I don't mind giving it to you. If you need space, I don't mind giving you space.

But I really don't think you want me to "let you go for good". I know I don't want that right now. It's just been a tough couple of weeks. You can think about it though, and when you're ready, I would love if you could call me back."

I know he's already feeling awful about himself and therefor feels worthless and tries to sabotage the good things around him (this is not the first time I've heard sentences like this). I'm scared I made it worse. I really thought we could avoid a breakup this time (we were JUST getting things back to being really good at Christmas) but now I'm scared it's headed in that direction again. And the annoying thing is, I know he doesn't actually want me to go. Without sounding too narcissistic, I am probably the most patient and supportive and loving person he has in his life. And yeah, I have a lot of anxiety about our relationship but WAY less the more I learn about BPD. But him saying things like that really doesn't help my anxiety because then my brain goes "see? it's too much trouble". My heart is stubborn though and firmly believes that this version of him isn't the real him.

I wasn't ready to give up yet but I'm scared he's going to pull the plug once more. Ughhh...

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jwood]

Hi Paperinkart. Sorry this is happening for you. I think you've established some boundaries and are saying the right things. It appears he may be testing again on whether you'll go. My T said yesterday BPD's are really trying to confirm they are worthless and carry a lot of shame and guilt. Hang in there and do something to soothe yourself.

I don't recall, are you seeing a T for yourself?

 

[paperinkart]

Oh I’ve never heard of being “tested”, but that really would make a lot of sense. He tries to push and push and push, and in the past when I’ve snapped and gotten mad and left, I suppose it’s proved him right.

Thank you for that insight! I really hope this improves soon. But it is helpful to know that it might just be another test. It’s such a fine balance- part of me is so mad and frustrated that we go through this and the other part just makes my heartache for him.

I’m not currently seeing a therapist but I know I could use one (for more than just this). I can’t afford therapy at the moment as I’m newly self-employed. It will be a top priority once the paycheques start rolling in 

[Jwood]

I empathize with you. I feel sad for my bf but also mad like you. Tired, frustrated, confused. They're all valid ☺

Others may have other ideas on resources available to you.

Hang in there 

[paperinkart]

He just reached out and asked if we could talk tonight. I haven’t heard from him all day until now.

I’m really really nervous but at the same time, happy that he wants to talk. Even if he tells me what I don’t want to hear (breakup), at least I’ll have my answer and won’t be left hanging anymore. But man, the anxiety is REAL.

[Jwood]

Have you considered talking about attending couples counselling? - when it makes financial sense to do so of course. And, what about talking in person vs over the phone? I find it goes far better for us keeping the heavier stuff for face to face.

Just some thoughts. Remember to breathe ☺

Hope it goes well.

[paperinkart]

thanks for your reply!

I would love to do both of those things but he works out of town and won’t be back until spring. Until then, I’m stuck with phone/text conversations. We’ll see how it goes!