Cell Phone Monitoring for 15yr Old

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

About 15 months ago I had seen enough of our now S15s concerning use of his cell phone.  I had found porn, photos, bad jokes being posted on Instagram, access through any movies through Netflix, SnapChat, and texting dialogues that were concerning for a parent portraying a child that had the wrong idea about how to respect others in particular young girls.  Some of what had gotten out were things from movies such as Breaking Bad that S15 was repeating in his classes.

So at the time I had access to his phone and I disabled internet.  I also changed the access code on his phone so he couldn't make his own changes.  Well, mother finds out about this, she starts off a dialogue about how "you did something on his phone that I don't know about...blah,blah," she owns the phone.  I ask what the problem is and that I would give her the code.  At this point, when I wanted to have a dialogue the line went dead.  Then she went and had the phone reset and would not give me the code. 

Not a word about S15s behavior and what was on the phone was mentioned by mother.     

So ever since then I haven't been able to monitor his phone.  I could for a short while through our wifi router but he got wise to that and operates on cellular while at my house.  He's on his phone incessantly.  There are some weekends he doesn't leave the house and is either on his phone or the PlayStation.  Does not seek out friends at all.

What has happened with increasing regularity is mother contacting both S15 and S12 on their phones while with me.  She typically summons's S15 to her house to do things like change a light bulb.  She makes unnecessary contact with S12 through his phone too.  Particularly if he comes to my house right after school instead of hers.  She'll contact him while with me and dump all of his missing homework on him that should have been done while he was with her.

So this eats at me.  It eats at me that i can't monitor S15s phone and that mother has free reign to get in touch with him without communicating with me. 

The only thing I do is take his phone at bed time.  I am thinking about keeping the phone one day and just demanding he give me the code or mother give it to me.  Otherwise I'm keeping the phone.   I know how this would go.

I have considered going back to court but don't feel court could deal with this properly and could backfire on me.

Does anyone else deal with this?  I feel somewhat irresponsible.     

[scraps66]

About 15 months ago I had seen enough of our now S15s concerning use of his cell phone.  I had found porn, photos, bad jokes being posted on Instagram, access through any movies through Netflix, SnapChat, and texting dialogues that were concerning for a parent portraying a child that had the wrong idea about how to respect others in particular young girls.  Some of what had gotten out were things from movies such as Breaking Bad that S15 was repeating in his classes.

So at the time I had access to his phone and I disabled internet.  I also changed the access code on his phone so he couldn't make his own changes.  Well, mother finds out about this, she starts off a dialogue about how "you did something on his phone that I don't know about...blah,blah," she owns the phone.  I ask what the problem is and that I would give her the code.  At this point, when I wanted to have a dialogue the line went dead.  Then she went and had the phone reset and would not give me the code. 

Not a word about S15s behavior and what was on the phone was mentioned by mother.     

So ever since then I haven't been able to monitor his phone.  I could for a short while through our wifi router but he got wise to that and operates on cellular while at my house.  He's on his phone incessantly.  There are some weekends he doesn't leave the house and is either on his phone or the PlayStation.  Does not seek out friends at all.

What has happened with increasing regularity is mother contacting both S15 and S12 on their phones while with me.  She typically summons's S15 to her house to do things like change a light bulb.  She makes unnecessary contact with S12 through his phone too.  Particularly if he comes to my house right after school instead of hers.  She'll contact him while with me and dump all of his missing homework on him that should have been done while he was with her.

So this eats at me.  It eats at me that i can't monitor S15s phone and that mother has free reign to get in touch with him without communicating with me. 

The only thing I do is take his phone at bed time.  I am thinking about keeping the phone one day and just demanding he give me the code or mother give it to me.  Otherwise I'm keeping the phone.   I know how this would go.

I have considered going back to court but don't feel court could deal with this properly and could backfire on me.

Does anyone else deal with this?  I feel somewhat irresponsible.     

[worriedStepmom]

A friend of mine found porn on her 11-year-old son's phone.  Her ex, like yours, basically shrugged and said "I pay for the phone".  My friend confiscated the phone.  It is not allowed at her house, period.  She also brought this up in a custody hearing - my kid is looking at porn and dad won't help stop this.  Her ex has supervised visitation now - there was a LOT of stuff going on, not just the phone issues.

We had a problem with SD12's mom constantly texting her at our house, and trying to get SD to pass messages to us (plus emotional abuse in texts).  We blocked mom on SD's phone, which we owned.  Mom threatened to get SD another phone that mom controlled; we said "sure, but it isn't allowed at our house."

It's harder with a 15-year-old, both to pry them away from their primary communication tool, and to find the right balance between having all communication go through you, and letting your son manage keeping track of all of his things.

[formflier]

This is a common teenage issue.

We have monitoring software (app) on our kids phones and when they are out they know the rule is their phone must be with them and on (and have there battery packs with them so there are no excuses).

When they come in the house, phones are plugged in a charger in the common area and they must ask to check their phones or grab them.  After their chores and homework are done sometimes we'll give them 15 minutes or so on their phone.
 
Phones are for the benefit of the parent, not the child.  They may from time to time get satisfaction from all those crazy apps, but that's a bonus for them...not a right.

Now...to your situation.  If it was me confiscate the phone and do whatever is needed to get court oversight of this.  I would guess with formal demand letter that the child be monitored jointly.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.  Don't back down.

Oh...one thing I saw.  About not seeking friends.  My guess is he is seeking them online.  So, while not ideal, I'm doubtful he is a recluse.  (perhaps I'm wrong).

Why not time (incentivize) his internet time to things you want him to do.

Get a timer.  Whatever time you spend reading from an approved book reading list, we will grant in internet time.  (of course have conversations to make sure the books are actually getting read)

Isn't parenting a teen fun...?

Best,

FF