Seeking help for myself, Met by a narcissist

[Boscorelli2010]

So, things in the immediate family have been rough for a while. My mother lives with BPD, DIDs, anxiety, and depression, and has been doing so for the past 20 years. She has burned all of the bridges connecting her to members of the family because of her behaviour, and the only person she really has left is her partner, who has certainly helped to pour gas on those fires.

After an incident which I was not present for, my oldest sister has put a peace bond on my mother in order to protect herself and her two young children. My sister wants the abusive voicemails, text messages, and unexpected showings up at her house to stop - she just wants Mom to leave her alone.

I have put up boundaries with my mother, in that we only communicate through FB Messenger, so that if I don't want to read her nasty text messages to me, I don't have to, and they are controlled by only using one method of communication. A couple of months ago I told my mother that I was seeking help for myself and seeing a therapist, and in the meantime I would not be talking to her or other family members about family drama - it causes me physical symptoms of stress hearing her bad mouth the entire family over and over again in every phone call that we have, to which I get trapped for at least an hour... I even had an anxiety attack triggered by her doom and gloom. She asked me the other day if I knew what was going on with the family (peace bond) and rather than lie to her I told her yes, that my sister had called me and told me what she was doing. Mom flew off the handle at me saying I betrayed her by talking about her to my sister. I tried to explain to her that I put up the boundaries, so therefore I am in control of them, and I can take them down with whom I see fit. She said that I am making our relationship so hard, and she can't understand what she did to me that was so bad...

It wasn't one specific thing that she did to me that was so bad. It's the fact that I've been trying to put out her fires for 20+ years, and I'm so tired of drowning myself trying to do so. She has gone through therapy, and her psychiatrist now only manages her meds and doesn't work through her childhood trauma that is the root cause of her mental illness.

I don't know what to do anymore. Now seems like a good opportunity to go No Contact since she is already mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me until I apologize (for something that I didn't do, and she doesn't understand). My walls are up with her, we can't ever talk about happy things because it is all fake until she says "So, I just have a quick question for you..." It's never a quick question. Her brain is always turning. How long do I keep putting out her fires, how long do I keep letting her mental illness affect my mental health, when is the time to put a stop to it?

[Harri]

Her brain is always turning. How long do I keep putting out her fires, how long do I keep letting her mental illness affect my mental health, when is the time to put a stop to it?

I'll answer your last question first:  Now is the time to put a stop to it.  How you do that remains to be seen.  We can all talk about it with you and help you figure things out.  It is not as simple as cutting her out as you will still need to address all of the responses and behaviors you have learned when dealing with her over the years.  I mean things like fixing things for her, the almost automatic guilt that comes into play for a lot of us, etc. 

What do you want your relationship to look like with your mom, taking into consideration the limitations that are a given in terms of her disorders?  Appropriate expectation will be critical here.  A typical 'healthy' relationship is probably not possible but you can carve out a relationship that is healthy for you, maybe not equal and easy, but at least healthy for you.

how long do I keep letting her mental illness affect my mental health

You don't allow this, not any more.  You can learn new ways of thinking and responding that will change you and your ability to cope and develop skills so these incidents are not so devastating.

Can you tell us more about something you struggle with, including as many details as possible?

[pursuingJoy]

Boscorelli2010, glad you're back. I just want to jump in and let you know how sorry I am that you're dealing with this. I have 3 teenage girls and I cannot imagine putting this kind of weight on them. It's too much for anyone to carry.

I agree with Harri: the time is now, whatever that means for you. It might help to initially consider NC and LC as temporary seasons to recoup and find some solid ground. 

I hear your exhaustion and I'm worried about you. What are the steps you need to take to take care of yourself?

[Boscorelli2010]

What do you want your relationship to look like with your mom, taking into consideration the limitations that are a given in terms of her disorders?  Appropriate expectation will be critical here.  A typical 'healthy' relationship is probably not possible but you can carve out a relationship that is healthy for you, maybe not equal and easy, but at least healthy for you.

Can you tell us more about something you struggle with, including as many details as possible?

Thank you both for your responses. I apologize for taking so long to get back to you, things have been really complicated with the family lately, but I will respond individually to your questions.

So, I am a reader, a planner, a list-maker, an information gatherer. With the help of the books "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" I've come to realize that a normal relationship is never going to happen. It's a fantasy relationship that I want to have with my Mom, one that doesn't and can't ever exist. I have tried to shape the relationship to the best of my ability over the past 10 years, but last night it all came to a dramatic climax - I had an anxiety attack while talking to her on the phone. Here's some context: a few months ago, I set boundaries with Mom stating that I wouldn't talk to her about family issues, and I wouldn't talk to the rest of the family about them either. Over time, I brought those boundaries down with the family because it got a little bit easier to talk about it, but I kept the boundaries with Mom because, honestly, she stresses me out and causes anxiety. So last week she asked if I knew that my sister had put a peace bond on her, and I decided not to lie and told her yes. She flew off the handle, said I betrayed her, and that until I apologized to her then it was goodbye. So, obviously, I haven't talked to her since then. She left a nice voicemail yesterday and asked me to call her. Stupid me... I shouldn't have called. The conversation started out "fine" (by which I mean niceties such as "How are you", "Haven't talked to you in a while", "How's my grandson", etc.) but my legs started shaking at the beginning of the conversation. I said I was confused by her voicemail because she made it clear she didn't want to talk to me until I apologized, and she said "I thought you would have apologized to me by now. Don't you feel at all like you owe me one?" I honestly don't think I have any reason to say sorry; I set the boundaries for my own mental health protection, and I can take them down with whom I choose. Longer story short, I said I had to go because I couldn't breathe and I was shaking. She SCOFFED at me and hung up on me... Of all people I thought she would understand a little bit of what I was going through and try to coach me through it, which I have done for YEARS with her and her anxiety attacks...

The biggest thing I'm struggling with is cutting the ties to my mother, and knowing that she very well might die. Literally die. She is suicidal, and although I tell myself now that it wouldn't be my fault if that were to tragically happen, I'm already thinking about the waves of guilt that would come pounding in. I am the final thread holding onto her because all the other threads with the rest of the family have been cut. The pressure to maintain something of a relationship is immense, but I have a young son and I don't want an ounce of this toxic relationship with my mother to stay in this house any longer.

[Boscorelli2010]

Boscorelli2010, glad you're back. I just want to jump in and let you know how sorry I am that you're dealing with this. I have 3 teenage girls and I cannot imagine putting this kind of weight on them. It's too much for anyone to carry.

I agree with Harri: the time is now, whatever that means for you. It might help to initially consider NC and LC as temporary seasons to recoup and find some solid ground.  

I hear your exhaustion and I'm worried about you. What are the steps you need to take to take care of yourself?

Thank you for your kind words. I am a (new) Mom as well, and I'm in the same boat as you - I couldn't imagine my son feeling just for one second about me the way I feel about my mother. It would break my heart, and this is why I want to open up more about this pain and deal with it now before it manifests into something darker, like what happened with my mother.

Self care is always tricky in this situation. Things that typically help me are working (I'm a newborn photographer   ), working out, going to the movies, reading, watching a movie, etc etc. The real issue is that things are fine when they are quiet, but when the storm comes and $h!t hits the fan in my family, everyone gets splattered, and that's when I go into defensive mode.I really do need to start working on better strategies when times are quiet so I don't go into crisis mode when my mother does. I am currently going to therapy, and I've only had a few sessions, but I need to put some more tools in my toolbox in terms of coping. As I mentioned in my previous response to Harri, the weight of the guilt is immense - guilt of putting myself first, guilt of keeping Mom at a distance, guilt of cutting her out of my life when everyone else has done so... I keep looking around for the answer of the decision I need to make, but I can't find it. I know it lies within myself somewhere, but what's holding me back from making a decision is fear - fear that she will take her own life.

[Person2]

Hi Boscorelli2010,

I’m a newbie here. I too am struggling with my relationship with my uBPD mother.

After reading your posts, one thing that stood out for me is:

fear that she will take her own life.

It appears that in the meantime, due to her mental health issues, she is consuming yours.

It is similar to what you are instructed to do when your traveling on an airplane; they tell you that in the event of an emergency, you must first put on your oxygen mask, before assisting others.

I understand that feeling of being completely floored by guilt. It’s so powerful! It’s something we must all learn to sit with and learn how to become more comfortable with that feeling (which is really hard!). I read something recently, that I found helpful; sometimes what we’re feeling isn’t actually genuine guilt, but “a form of anxiety raised by the anticipated negative reaction of the other person.” I found this helpful to consider.

By seeing what happens if we don’t act - don’t do something to alleviate the feeling of guilt, it offers a way to move forward (quit being part of the continuing the cycle).

I really sympathize with what you’re going through and I wish you strength and some peace 

[zachira]

You are wondering whether to go NC with your mother with BPD even if it is temporary. You worry that your mother could die while doing NC as she is suicidal. My heart hurts when I read your post, as I too longed for a break from my mother with BPD and at times felt guilty wishing she would pass away which she did this past summer. Going NC is something that many members have decided to do, some making it a temporary decision, often going back and forth between LC and NC, and others getting to a point in which the NC became permanent. The key to successful LC and NC is to realize whatever you decide, that it does not have to be permanent. I have found learning as much as I can about how to set healthier boundaries with family members with BPD and long term therapy extremely helpful in not taking on the emotions of my family members with BPD. I encourage you mostly to do your best in setting healthy emotional boundaries with your mother, while realizing at times you will feel sad, perhaps angry, about the challenges of having a mother with BPD. We are here to support you in whatever you decide. Do keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.