Crying and Regretting

[jaded7]

Hi BPD Family,

I've seen many here say just post and share your feelings, that it will help you recover and get better. So that's what I'm doing.

Some of you have read my story and responded, and for that I'm so appreciative. This is a warm and welcoming community.

I'm now 5 weeks from speaking to my ex, and before that it was 3 weeks. So 8 weeks having spoken to her just once.

I miss her and I"m at the verge of tears all the time. I'm dying to reach out to her, I want to hold her and make her feel ok. I want to hear her voice and give her a hug.

I've learned so much on here, and I now know that I've done exactly the wrong thing by JADEing when she would ramp up and start yelling at me. When she would criticize me. When she would call me names. When she would ghost me (well, maybe I did the right thing here, I don't know, I would just let it go until she reached out to me again).

Doing the wrong thing makes me feel like I screwed it up. Going no contact after the last episode (with the eye surgery) now feels like exactly the wrong thing to have done. I'm just so filled with remorse and and guilt for not being there for her on her eye surgery, even though many of you have pointed out that it was a set-up on her part, and of course she left me alone at Christmas.

But I'm so sad...I really love her and miss her.

This completely sucks having the feelings of guilt, sadness, regret. But the worst is thinking that I hurt her, which is something I would never want to do. I know that I"m a good person, I know that I'm sensitive and kind, I know that I would do anything for her and would want to.

Just sharing this...I know many of you have been here in this place. It feels so wrong to be going on with life without her, without her son, knowing that I'll never see her Mom and Dad again or spend time with them at their house.

[Turkish]

Being cut off from the other family certainly hurts, additional hurts on top of the relationship...