Trial separation - what to tell my DD14 about NC

[Meridius]

What should I tell my DD14 about NC between my BPDw and I?  How well do you think my BPDw is handling separation.

So this is both our second marriage and my DD lives with her biological mum.  I'm fortunate DD14 gets along with me and we meet almost every weekend and hang out.  I've been circumspect about what's happening other than the trial separation is happening and I've moved out.  I didn't tell DD about the NC so she's reached out to BPDw and this is what happened.

I’ve been away for four weeks now and BPDw and I have a NC agreement that we would not contact each other except in emergencies.  For the most part, it's been good.  Tonight, BPDw texted me and called

She was upset that my DD14 had sent her two text messages.  I asked her to send me them and it turns out BPDw was upset by the content and who it came from.  She was also wondering what I had told my DD14 that led to her sending this.  She was also upset we had a no contact rule, but my daughter was sending her texts. I hadn’t told my daughters explicitly not to contact BPDw, but my youngest, who gets along with her very well, decided to reach out.

They were “inspirational images” labelled PMA and two fun, if somewhat cheeky quotes.
“Be a Fruit Loop in a world of Cheerios” and “The problem is not the problem.  The problem is your attitude to the problem” - Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean

So I said PMA stands for Positive Mental Attitude and then called BPDw.  Of all the things I could have told my DD14, I told her very little and this weekend boiled it down to “She’s beating herself up a lot”, especially during counselling sessions.  Classic symptoms of loss of sense of self and extreme shame.  I think my DD14 has been thinking about that.

PMA is a slogan my DD14 came up with.  She and I have riffed on about it this weekend and we also shared inspirational quotes we have on our phones.  eg. I had "The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn”, “The difference between Try and Triumph is a little ‘Umph’"

BPDw was upset.  And also was telling me that my daughter was trying to "heal her" and said that’s not her role.  Then she was angry with me that I didn’t exactly see it the way.  I was trying to finish smiling because I thought what my DD14 sent was pretty cute, totally true, and totally consistent with her positive personality.

BPDw saw it differently.  She’s trying to cope with me having left and going on and on that we’re definitely not getting back together (even though I’ve told her it’s a trial separation), and she gets along with my DD14.   So getting texts from her when we’re not together makes it really hard for her to cope.  She’s reminded that she lost access to her first daughter at this age in her first marriage.  She’s saying “They’re just kids, they shouldn’t be doing this.  You and <ex-H name> said it."  I had to hold her up on that…I didn’t say that…and she’s bringing her ex into this….again.

Now I’m not sure what to say to my DD14.  She’s quite mature, but I haven’t told her all the ins and outs of my BPDw’s situation.   I definitely WON'T tell her any more.  Only an hour after we spoke, and I’m typing I thought…if DD14 had asked me beforehand if she could send it, I might have said…mmm…hold off.  I think I'll keep it straight and simple.  "BPDw and I are having NC during this Trial Separation.  So no texts or calls.  This applies to you and your sister as well."

Is this the best way? 

I'm still reeling how someone can take a loving gesture and be so upset about it.  She even said "It's a very loving and generous thing, but crap because we're not together", and so I said "I'll ask DD14 to not do it any more"

It reminds me the time she was in hospital emergency for an supposed overdose and under guard.  She was angry about it, and I brought her a takeaway pizza.  She asked me if I was angry at her.  I said "A little".  She told me to get out of the hospital.

Logically, I can see this could be the condition she has.   But geez, it's a lot of work. 

She had to call the acute care team from Community Mental Health to help calm herself down.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

context:

your wifes daughter, at the age of 14, has been through two separations of her parents.

a first is devastating, life changing, life altering. the first time, there are so many questions, mostly regarding how they are at fault.

a second is a deep, deep reinforcement of those questions, those feelings.

i think you are wise to ask your daughter to cut back on her responses.

your daughter has a deep sense of loyalty to you. shes inclined to take your side.

likewise, the same for her daughter.

so messages about try(umph) and the problem being her attitude, as good as the intentions are, are likely to be mighty invalidating, and to an ill equipped person full of questions, likely to equate to fault.

She’s saying “They’re just kids, they shouldn’t be doing this.  You and <ex-H name> said it."  I had to hold her up on that…I didn’t say that…and she’s bringing her ex into this….again.

you may be arguing minutia.

your wife has a real problem, and real experience with this. the point is less about "you vs her ex", and more about what her daughter is going through.

incidentally, shes communicating to you that she sees this as the end of the relationship. that may not be what youre trying to get across, it is how shes taking it.

1. is that the message you want to send? are you cool with it if thats how she sees it?
2. i would go overboard in communicating to DD14 that this is not her fault, not her role, not her attitude.

[Meridius]

Thanks OnceRemoved.

I had a phone chat with my DD14 about not sending text messages.  I told her it's not her fault and I didn't tell her about the NC rule.  She said she felt bad, but I just repeated it wasn't her fault.

[Rev]

I'm still reeling how someone can take a loving gesture and be so upset about it.  She even said "It's a very loving and generous thing, but crap because we're not together", and so I said "I'll ask DD14 to not do it any more"

So I think you've handled it brilliantly - because one of the most important things in all of this is for you to be …. well …. you.

Boundaries are tough and they come with reactions. Ours is to learn to, not predict the reactions - but to grow in our ability to triage them - discard the ones that are not useful - grow in ability and strength to deal with the ones that are critical.

And in all of it - this excerpt contains the grain of truth. It sounds as if your wife is coming to grips with the fact that you are separated. With that will come shame, dysregulation - etc.  Controlling the communication of children is a very personal and projective way of controlling.

Stay the course my friend.

Sounds like you did good!

Rev

[Meridius]

And in all of it - this excerpt contains the grain of truth. It sounds as if your wife is coming to grips with the fact that you are separated. With that will come shame, dysregulation - etc.  Controlling the communication of children is a very personal and projective way of controlling.

Thanks Rev,

Dealing with the kids reaction to the separation is a hard part of it.  Especially with DD14 because she actually got along with my wife.

I once asked my DD14 if she wanted to have a sleepover at my place and she said no. I asked how come.  She said her biological mum, my first wife, said it would be best to "let dad and your stepmom" sort things out themselves.  She said she took her mom's advice.

I didn't react to that at all.  I just thought, "Yeah...that's probably the right advice for her".