How do I go NC with bpdM and keep in touch with family

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bpdM has been in a very bad state lately and she lashed out at me for no reason. She said she doesn't want to talk to me for a long time, which is fine with me. I'm thinking about going NC but I want to be able to see the rest of my family. My mom had a big fight with my dad and brother and she's currently staying with my sister. My sister and I are very close, but she gets heavily involved in family drama and I try to stay out of it. I used to be the fixer and learned through therapy that I had to stop and take care of myself. I usually have a great relationship with my mom but the fights really trigger me. I'm not 100% sure if I should just set limits of go NC. It would be hard to see the rest of my family because my parents are still together and my younger brother can't afford to move out. My sister also usually takes my bpdM's side even though my bpdM lies. If I went NC I would miss out on family celebrations (i.e. xmas and birthday parties). I would also miss my bpdM when things were good. I want to continue to have a good relationship with the rest of my family. Are there other things I could do to avoid drama without going full NC? I'm researching setting limits but it's very hard for me and I'm nervous about dealing with my bpdM's horrible temper. How do I do this without losing the rest of my family?

[wmm]

My bpdM has been in a very bad state lately and she lashed out at me for no reason. She said she doesn't want to talk to me for a long time, which is fine with me. I'm thinking about going NC but I want to be able to see the rest of my family. My mom had a big fight with my dad and brother and she's currently staying with my sister. My sister and I are very close, but she gets heavily involved in family drama and I try to stay out of it. I used to be the fixer and learned through therapy that I had to stop and take care of myself. I usually have a great relationship with my mom but the fights really trigger me. I'm not 100% sure if I should just set limits of go NC. It would be hard to see the rest of my family because my parents are still together and my younger brother can't afford to move out. My sister also usually takes my bpdM's side even though my bpdM lies. If I went NC I would miss out on family celebrations (i.e. xmas and birthday parties). I would also miss my bpdM when things were good. I want to continue to have a good relationship with the rest of my family. Are there other things I could do to avoid drama without going full NC? I'm researching setting limits but it's very hard for me and I'm nervous about dealing with my bpdM's horrible temper. How do I do this without losing the rest of my family?

[Longterm]

Hi wmm.

It is very difficult isn't it. I have similar things going on right now with my kids and their mother. They want to see nan and other family members but are terrified of seeing their mom. I suggested to them to maybe invite nan out for lunch or other activities so they could spend time with her without the drama and anxiety.

Could you spend time with your sister at your home or maybe go out for the afternoon/evening together? Could this work with other family members you wish to see? It may be an idea to not discuss your mom with people who are opposed to your views also, it will just lead to friction and drama and you could very easily isolate yourself.

Again, I know it's not easy but try to find a way forward that has the least amount of problems.

LT.

[zachira]

You are wondering how to go NC with bpdmom and keep in touch with the family. My heart hurts as I have been dealing with a similar situation with my bpdmom (deceased last July), my two siblings with BPD, and other dysfuctional family members for many years. It can be really hard to know what steps to take to not have your life so upset by how how your mother mistreats you on the spur of the moment while wanting to stay in contact with other family members who live with your mom. The first step you might want to take is to not talk with your family members about your mom, either listen to what she is saying/doing or disclose how you are feeling about her. A main characteristic of people with BPD is they enlist others to get to you, so not hearing about her or her knowing much about what you are feeling and doing will likely give her less power to upset you.
Does your mom act better when there are people around that she wants to impress? One strategy I have used with my mother and siblings is as much as possible to have around people they want to look good in front of and to try to be alone with them as little as possible.
How much contact do you want with your other family members? It can really help to limit how much time you spend with them. I know the holidays have always been difficult for me, and I eventually had to stop going to all holiday celebrations because of all the drama and abuse inflicted upon me.
This is all very painful and sad. I am glad therapy has helped. We are here to support you, and are kindred spirits in some ways as all who post here have a family member with BPD.