Torn between love and abuse

[Aim]

My ubpd adult d is having open heart surgery to replace a valve. My T says dont go or respond, but I'm  torn. She has discarded me, sends nasty texts, alienated grandchildren and has lied about horrific things. She sent this text, and I am looking for thoughts...
"I am only messaging you for one purpose. If you want to come at 5:15 in the morning on March 6 to Building A, second floor surgery dept before I go back to get prepped to say bye, incase there’s complications and I don’t make it, you can. And only because of the fact that I’m biologically your daughter and if my daughters were to die, I’d hurt inside not being able to say bye one last time. I don’t want to see you for more than 1 min though. And I do NOT want to see you after my surgery, so respect that and stay away. I want nothing to do with you, I’m only doing this out of respect incase something happens so you’d have closure."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sillyusername]

Gosh that’s really not nice for you is it.. if you don’t go and she survives then she can cast you as uncaring but if you go she’s likely to get into a state or say something nasty.. my gut tells me she actually wants you to go but also is really scared.

What is your gut saying? Just remember any relationship is not judged on how it ends so if you don’t want to go don’t go. If you go and she gets angry then the op could be cancelled or that would be your last contact..

I really don’t know what to do - could you send an email back saying I hope all goes well and that I can tell you’re angry with me and I’m not coming as I don’t want you to be unsettled pre op but that I do wish you well and will always care for you as my daughter..

[Aim]

Yes and thank you for the response. I definitely feel darned if I do and darned if I don't. Every time I show love in a response, which she is adamant I don't love her and never have, I get up to 6 pages of hate texts.  This is the nicest one I have received.

You made me think about more than I had. Your suggestion  feels like a better "detached with love" type. I did think about responding with something to that effect, but your wording makes me think more about the quality of my acceptance.

My gut has been to show loving words back, do loving things if I am able, but everytime it's a follow up of bashing. Another part of my gut is that I have made peace with what our relationship will be like no matter how much I love her. 

My T asked if I expect a different  response when she does this. I said, I am hopeful. He said, "dont respond." It feels like I cant be who I am, which is loving and comforting and I feel fake and manipulative to a disordered person by showing extra love.

I think this may be an opportunity to use skills. In the back of my mind, other family members will be commenting, already are talking about it. I am not.

I was thinking of responding with, It sounds like you may be really upset seeing me and I wouldn't want anything to harm you, your life is valuable to me. I respect your feelings. Should you want to see me, know that I will come.

[mggt]

Jeez. This sounds so terrible and a tough decision for you. Do what your heart and gut tells you. No matter the outcome of how she responds you did the right thing for you sending a big hugggg

[Aim]

Thank you. I'm still torn but surgery is today. I dont like putting myself into a place of being abused. I would say potentially but it is what it is. I  am really leaning towards not going. Even though I planned to. T said go or dont go, either is fine. I can pray for her from anywhere. Wondering  if avoiding may be more healthy.

[FaithHopeLove]

This sounds perfect to.me. You are expressing love while maintaining your own healthy boundaries. Well done.

[Aim]

Thank you. Any suggestions  on how to respond  to people who will ask me if I went? I  thought of being ready with. "I did what's best for me." 

[FaithHopeLove]

I think a simple yes or no will suffice. Those who need to know more already will.

[Aim]

I think I was so used to defending myself for things I had or hadn't done, that it became a habit. I feel ok with that simple answer. It makes me think I've made some progress. That peace is a new feeling. It can feel like nothing is real or stays predictable in any way a lot of the time.

[zachira]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a hurtful mean message from your daugher with BPD. Does your daughter act better when there are people around she wants to look good in front of? If that is the case, maybe you could bring someone with you, that she would not treat you badly in front of.
It sounds like your daughter is very challenged by close relationships. I know with children who are adopted who were previously abused, time in is used with them sometimes instead of time out. Time in works that you stay as close to the child as is safe for both them and you. Maybe you could stay at a distance while watching your daughter leave for surgery, yet have one of the staff point out to your daughter that you are there.

[Aim]

She already went in should be out in 1-2 hours. Yes, she acted completely different around others. It was confusing seeing those behaviors for our immediate family.
She was mean at home and a customer service rep to others. Her voice even changed. I dont have any contact with her to do that time in and time out. It may have worked though. But if she doesnt want me around, that's a boundary I need to respect. She will reach out occasionally with a text usually  about a struggle financially in her life or after I have sent a card for a birthday. Sometimes she says thank you. As soon as I respond with you're welcome, she lashes out obscene comments, accusations always new, even though there was no previous contact. The only in person contact was a week before Christmas, I took a box of food and a gift for just her, to her house. She invited me in, asked if I wanted to hold my grandson. I said yes and did and we talked. She told the grandkids, grandma brought us treats. She did talk about her financial issues. I said I know it's tough around the Holiday's. Later, that day after I left,  she opened the gift, sent me a thank you text. The next morning, I responded with, you're welcome, then I received 6 pages of the most hateful comments. She said I
single handedly ruined her family. She said she should have slammed the door in my face. I felt like not going to the hospital today  respected her boundaries of not wanting anything to do with me and mine of not wanting to be abused in anyway.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders