Introducing myself

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello! I am looking forward to being a part of this group with a hope that I can get some help and ideas about how to better communicate with my 18 year old daughter and be of support to her where I can.
We adopted my daughter when she was 5 years old and she has many struggles because of her traumatic early years with a neglectful and abusive, drug-addicted birth mother. She was diagnosed with PTSD, and attachment disorders as a little girl, and we FINALLY got the diagnosis of BPD (with some narcissistic issues) a couple of years ago when she was 16. I'm sure you can imagine what life has been like for us the last 14 years. No one can really understand what it's like unless they live it. We are a basically strong and stable family, and I have a great marriage. My husband is my rock and we have gotten through this together. We do have other children, who love their sister, but it is a struggle for everyone to deal with the extreme emotional issues my daughter had and is having.
My BPD daughter graduated from high school last year and since then things have completely fallen apart for her. She left home not long after graduation and got herself involved in a lot of awful things. She got fired from two jobs and ended up unemployed, stuck in a living situation that was terrible, and basically just laid on a couch and did nothing but drink alcohol and sleep for weeks. I feel bad saying this, but the period of time when she wasn't living with us was the most peaceful and healing four months I have experienced in 14 years. It made me realize that I never wanted to go back to the hell we were dealing with before she left.
But she finally came to herself and asked us if she could come home, because she realized that she needed to change her life. I have never heard her talk like that before. After some discussion with my husband and with her, we made some agreements about what would be required for her to be able to live here and we moved her home. We knew that things wouldn't be rosy, but we love her and were willing to help her if she was going to try. The first two weeks were okay, and she did get another job, but we are two months in and things aren't great. I can feel us slipping into our previous problems from before her move-out, and I don't want to go back to that. She complains constantly about everything, and we literally cannot have a pleasant conversation with her about anything because she only wants to talk about how awful her job is and how miserable she is. Encouragement and offers of support don't help, she doesn't want our advice, and she tries to shut down any cheerful conversation we have as a group, or she doesn't participate at all and acts upset. You can imagine how hard this is when we can't go anywhere to escape because of the current situation we are all in. She is in therapy and has a psychiatrist, but she doesn't apply anything she learns or talks about there, and if she goes on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, she ends up over-dosing on them when she's upset.
So here's my question: Any suggestions about how I can have some sort of positive interactions with her when she is always like this? I use texting and snapchat with her A LOT because she is more accepting of that than face-to-face talk sometimes. I want to express my support and love to her and do things that can strengthen our relationship, but I am at a loss as to how right now. 

[ChrisFox]

Hello! I am looking forward to being a part of this group with a hope that I can get some help and ideas about how to better communicate with my 18 year old daughter and be of support to her where I can.
We adopted my daughter when she was 5 years old and she has many struggles because of her traumatic early years with a neglectful and abusive, drug-addicted birth mother. She was diagnosed with PTSD, and attachment disorders as a little girl, and we FINALLY got the diagnosis of BPD (with some narcissistic issues) a couple of years ago when she was 16. I'm sure you can imagine what life has been like for us the last 14 years. No one can really understand what it's like unless they live it. We are a basically strong and stable family, and I have a great marriage. My husband is my rock and we have gotten through this together. We do have other children, who love their sister, but it is a struggle for everyone to deal with the extreme emotional issues my daughter had and is having.
My BPD daughter graduated from high school last year and since then things have completely fallen apart for her. She left home not long after graduation and got herself involved in a lot of awful things. She got fired from two jobs and ended up unemployed, stuck in a living situation that was terrible, and basically just laid on a couch and did nothing but drink alcohol and sleep for weeks. I feel bad saying this, but the period of time when she wasn't living with us was the most peaceful and healing four months I have experienced in 14 years. It made me realize that I never wanted to go back to the hell we were dealing with before she left.
But she finally came to herself and asked us if she could come home, because she realized that she needed to change her life. I have never heard her talk like that before. After some discussion with my husband and with her, we made some agreements about what would be required for her to be able to live here and we moved her home. We knew that things wouldn't be rosy, but we love her and were willing to help her if she was going to try. The first two weeks were okay, and she did get another job, but we are two months in and things aren't great. I can feel us slipping into our previous problems from before her move-out, and I don't want to go back to that. She complains constantly about everything, and we literally cannot have a pleasant conversation with her about anything because she only wants to talk about how awful her job is and how miserable she is. Encouragement and offers of support don't help, she doesn't want our advice, and she tries to shut down any cheerful conversation we have as a group, or she doesn't participate at all and acts upset. You can imagine how hard this is when we can't go anywhere to escape because of the current situation we are all in. She is in therapy and has a psychiatrist, but she doesn't apply anything she learns or talks about there, and if she goes on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, she ends up over-dosing on them when she's upset.
So here's my question: Any suggestions about how I can have some sort of positive interactions with her when she is always like this? I use texting and snapchat with her A LOT because she is more accepting of that than face-to-face talk sometimes. I want to express my support and love to her and do things that can strengthen our relationship, but I am at a loss as to how right now. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ChrisFox]

I just wanted to add that we have several books that have helped us a lot, but would love some anecdotal help as well.

[Huat]

Welcoming you ChrisFox

I will preface this by pointing out that you are joining this wonderful, helpful, supportive community at a time when there is little traffic.  Of course the reason being because of people having to deal with this world-wide pandemic.  So I ask that you not get discouraged if responses to your posts are absent or none at this point in time.

I do encourage you to play around with this website...get yourself familiar with how it works.  One thing that is interesting is being able to click on someone's alias and read up on their history...what is their story.  If you would do that with my alias, you would find that my story is no where near yours.  With that said, that doesn't stop me from reaching out to people whose circumstances are different...letting them know they are being heard...letting them know that they are not alone.

You are by far not the first adoptive parent who has found the need to participate in/on this forum.  For instance, recently there have been posts from "BenFranklin"...an adoptee himself...who went on to adopt his children (and grandchildren!).  You can check out the topic "Going to get my daughter tomorrow."

While each of our stories are unique, there is soon to be found similarities in those of others.

You do write that your daughter is in therapy and is seeing a psychiatrist but sadly she is not being too cooperative.  So sorry to read that.  Have you and your husband ever gone to counselling for yourselves...spoke to someone who is familiar with BPD behaviours?

These are such difficult times for all of us who are in the "normal range" but must be so much harder with those who suffer from mental illness...very little in their reserves to manage this onslaught.  That, of course, makes it all the harder on those, like you, who have them sharing your space...a restricted space.

I encourage you to keep posting even though responses are few/none.  The replies are out there but those who would reply are putting out fires.   At this point they might only have the energy to read but not enough to write.  I have always found it helpful to just put my fingers on the keyboard and pour out my heart and my hurts.   Being able to vent...let off some steam...releases some pressures.

Once again welcoming you, ChrisFox.  May you and yours continue to be immune with better and better days just over the horizon.

Huat