My daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

   My adult daughter and grandson live with me.  After trying to figure out what's wrong for years,  research has finally led me to believe it is BPD.  She does not believe anything is wrong with her. Her moods change at the drop of a hat.  She blames everyone for all her life problems, especially me.  She says verbatim what articles and books give examples of for BPD.  My daughter yells at me all the time, calls me names, accuses me of the strangest things, feels everyone is out to get her, and occasionally pushes me down and once slapped me.  I am usually afraid and have been astonished as time has progressed.  She was such a sweet little girl! Many times I thought I must be horrible or insane.  I feel like I am the worst person on earth because she tells me I am.  I just try to sink quietly in the background.  I don't argue with her because it just makes her go on and on.  Sometimes she'll follow me around the house raging about the smallest matters.  I was a teacher, but now am on disability because Rheumatoid Arthritis took control of my body.  I cannot afford to support her and my grandson.  My daughter has never held a job for more than 3 months and will usually think she is being ill used at work or they are all against her.  I don't believe she is mentally stable enough to hold a job.  Also, my grandson thinks of me as basically his second parent.  I love him so much and he counts on me for so much, including a home and life's necessities.  Everyone has told me to kick her out, but she simply doesn't leave when I insist she go. I would hate to call the police and have my grandson be traumatized and remember his grandmother doing it.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom?  Please don't suggest my reading more books and articles.  I've read so many, including "Walking on Eggshells."

[klc904]

   My adult daughter and grandson live with me.  After trying to figure out what's wrong for years,  research has finally led me to believe it is BPD.  She does not believe anything is wrong with her. Her moods change at the drop of a hat.  She blames everyone for all her life problems, especially me.  She says verbatim what articles and books give examples of for BPD.  My daughter yells at me all the time, calls me names, accuses me of the strangest things, feels everyone is out to get her, and occasionally pushes me down and once slapped me.  I am usually afraid and have been astonished as time has progressed.  She was such a sweet little girl! Many times I thought I must be horrible or insane.  I feel like I am the worst person on earth because she tells me I am.  I just try to sink quietly in the background.  I don't argue with her because it just makes her go on and on.  Sometimes she'll follow me around the house raging about the smallest matters.  I was a teacher, but now am on disability because Rheumatoid Arthritis took control of my body.  I cannot afford to support her and my grandson.  My daughter has never held a job for more than 3 months and will usually think she is being ill used at work or they are all against her.  I don't believe she is mentally stable enough to hold a job.  Also, my grandson thinks of me as basically his second parent.  I love him so much and he counts on me for so much, including a home and life's necessities.  Everyone has told me to kick her out, but she simply doesn't leave when I insist she go. I would hate to call the police and have my grandson be traumatized and remember his grandmother doing it.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom?  Please don't suggest my reading more books and articles.  I've read so many, including "Walking on Eggshells."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and thank you klo904 for your post.  It appears you are at the point where you are fed up and you would for her to take the hint and leave on her own accord.  There is a good chance she would like to  be on her own as well, but her illness gets in the way, therefore she needs help. 

This is where the conundrum is- there is no forcing an adult to get help.  You can get help for yourself ,however, and that is the first step.  I don't know about your health insurance or finances, but many of us ( including myself) seek our own therapy for our own support in addition to this website.
There are no quick fixes to this, . Another thing to consider is you have mentioned your daughter occasionally
shoves you and  has slapped you once .  Not only are you suffering physically but your grandson is witnessing this to his detriment.  One thing for you to consider is even though you don't want your grandson to be traumatized by the possibility of calling the police, the unpleasant truth is that he is most likely traumatized by his mother's out -of -control behavior . 
 For something to change, something has to change and your ill daughter is not going to be capable/she won't be able to take hints/and unfortunately , she will not leave nicely on her own. .  It will have to start with you and that is the very hard part.  You do have control over your own actions and how you decide to move forward it up to you, of course.     You need to feel heard and validated and even encouraged to make the necessary changes that are  needed and that is how you can use this forum  . You are among friends here, and we understand your dilemma completely.Please write back to us as you are able.

[Swimmy55]

RE: therapy suggestion- some have online/ video chat options during this pandemic.  Again, just a suggestion

[livednlearned]

I thought the same thing when I lived with my son's father -- that having him removed would traumatize my son. Sometimes the things we learn from these difficult family members is counter intuitive. Instead of feeling protected your grandson may be learning to tolerate abuse.

Standing up to a bully, whether it's a family member or someone else, is a statement about putting your safety and value first. It may also be a turning point for your daughter although it may not look or feel like that in the beginning when she encounters a limit she doesn't like.

If she is behaving in ways that are not acceptable in society, she cannot behave that way in the family.

I discovered that many police departments have cops who have degrees in social work and can talk in advance about exactly what will happen. Even if you don't act on it, it's very empowering to gather information. The tough part is dealing with your feelings about setting a boundary. Often, we are so worn down and exhausted, not to mention feeling bad about ourselves, that setting a limit can come as a shock to the system. My BPD loved one, after years of verbal, emotional, psychological abuse, and what some refer to as environmental abuse (throwing objects, including our dog, punching walls, locking me outside, etc.) became so contrite when I set a limit he could not cross and it nearly gutted me. Sometimes the contrite behavior can feel more painful than the abuse if you've experienced it long enough.

The important thing, tho, is to recognize that you may not be protecting GS from trauma if he is witnessing his mom's rages and abuse daily.

[klc904]

Thank you so much for your replies!  It helps just knowing there are people out there that understand.  I had been going to a therapist.  She basically told me over and over to kick my daughter out.  However, my grandson and my daughter's lack of ability to cope with the real world scares me terribly.  She just finished yelling at me again because I am sick.  Now that the pandemic is here, I don't know where in the world she would go if I sent her packing.  She has no income and loses every job she works.  She comes up with the most bazaar things to accuse me of.  I just stay silent because anything I say seems to fuel the fire.  I feel like I am almost ready to let her go, but where to?  Thanks for any replies or advice you can give!

[livednlearned]

What are some ways you've tried to respond to what she accuses you of? Maybe we can chime in and share some of the things we've tried.

Sometimes the things that work are counter-intuitive. I feel my SD23 is one of the most fragile, vulnerable people I know, and yet she fights for everything. My instinct was to be kind to her because I thought the only other way was mean.

But there's a middle way of being assertive and that's what I had to learn to be.

Take time for yourself, if you can. This is a hard time to be trying to turn the boat around. Small things add up so even if you can do one kind thing for yourself each day, that's a start to building strength.   

[Jen2020]

I'm afraid I do not have any 'words of wisdom' for you, but just want to express empathy.  My daughter has terrorized our household for years, and also blames me for everything. I find myself laying awake at night every night with my heart thumping in my chest as I worry about what seem like the only 2 possible outcomes at this point: 1) she finally succeeds at killing or permanently disabling herself through her self-harm, or 2) the rest of my life she will drain my bank account & retirement fund through her threats and active self harm if I do not give her what she wants.  She is 18 and currently in Intensive Inpatient Program, and I'm hoping to get her into a good 30-day RTC program.

Just wanted to say I understand, and wish the best for you and your family.