Help I’m pretty sure I need to get him out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all. Sorry I’m not on much I have use mobile and this site isn’t super mobile friendly.

Here it goes. A two days ago I opened husbands phone to use the Roku app (dang kids walking around with the remote). It opens up to a text from him to a woman that I’ve had problems with for years (that’s a WHOLE other story) of him saying ‘he’s about to leave’ and ‘give him a reason not to’ and making fun of me for believing a lie he told me. So here’s where I messed up. I took his phone and read his text messages. They were all like that. Making fun of me or STRAIGHT UP lying about things i said or did to make him look like a victim. One of the most egregious was him talking to someone I thought was a mutual friend about how he’s ‘stuck’ here and ‘at least he gets to see the kids’ because I ‘kept them from him when we were separated’ (we were separated for 7 months a year and a half ago) and he ‘has a case to take the kids and run’. When we were separated he saw the kids 4 times. I made sure they were at his parents on his days off. He went to see them once. When I saw he wasn’t going to make the effort I texted him and let him know when we were at the pool or park or hiking so he could come. He did that about 3 times. Currently he drinks himself into a stupor when he gets up at three in the afternoon and hasn’t so much as made a meal for the kids in over a year. He was also still texting a woman he cheated on me with who he told me he stopped talking to. It was pretty gross, all about how he misses her etc. she didn’t really engage him, so good on her I guess. He was ENRAGED that I did this. And of course that night it was all about how I invaded his privacy, not how he treats me. There was some physical abuse, which he said ‘WASNT’ that bad because I guess he didn’t like beat me.  Of course while he was texting these ppl he was telling me to my face how beautiful I am and how much he loves me blah blah. So I went to my dads with the kids yesterday, hung out there then left and let the kids spend the night.

So then yesterday I calmly told him that this is unhealable. That I cannot trust him not to spread lies and stab me in the back. He said he’d like to say his piece in the ‘morning’ when he wakes up so he’s sober. So we go watch tv and he’s putting his head on me and telling me he loves me etc. I’m pretty sure when he gets up I need to tell him that it’s over. How do you bounce back? I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And now I know that all his friends knew he talks smack about me behind my back when I’m not around. So every time I’ve seen them they’ve been thinking this stuff about me. When I talked to him yesterday I apologized for all the things I’ve done. I’m NOT PERFECT and I’ve apologized before for bad choices I’ve made (taking a job out of state, not being as supportive as I could have when he didn’t pay the mortgage, etc). But I don’t talk about him behind his back and I’ve made it clear anyone that doesn’t respect him isn’t allowed at the house. He’s not up yet. I will of course hear him out. But I don’t know. How could this possibly be sustainable?

Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.

[Stella Blue]

Hello all. Sorry I’m not on much I have use mobile and this site isn’t super mobile friendly.

Here it goes. A two days ago I opened husbands phone to use the Roku app (dang kids walking around with the remote). It opens up to a text from him to a woman that I’ve had problems with for years (that’s a WHOLE other story) of him saying ‘he’s about to leave’ and ‘give him a reason not to’ and making fun of me for believing a lie he told me. So here’s where I messed up. I took his phone and read his text messages. They were all like that. Making fun of me or STRAIGHT UP lying about things i said or did to make him look like a victim. One of the most egregious was him talking to someone I thought was a mutual friend about how he’s ‘stuck’ here and ‘at least he gets to see the kids’ because I ‘kept them from him when we were separated’ (we were separated for 7 months a year and a half ago) and he ‘has a case to take the kids and run’. When we were separated he saw the kids 4 times. I made sure they were at his parents on his days off. He went to see them once. When I saw he wasn’t going to make the effort I texted him and let him know when we were at the pool or park or hiking so he could come. He did that about 3 times. Currently he drinks himself into a stupor when he gets up at three in the afternoon and hasn’t so much as made a meal for the kids in over a year. He was also still texting a woman he cheated on me with who he told me he stopped talking to. It was pretty gross, all about how he misses her etc. she didn’t really engage him, so good on her I guess. He was ENRAGED that I did this. And of course that night it was all about how I invaded his privacy, not how he treats me. There was some physical abuse, which he said ‘WASNT’ that bad because I guess he didn’t like beat me.  Of course while he was texting these ppl he was telling me to my face how beautiful I am and how much he loves me blah blah. So I went to my dads with the kids yesterday, hung out there then left and let the kids spend the night.

So then yesterday I calmly told him that this is unhealable. That I cannot trust him not to spread lies and stab me in the back. He said he’d like to say his piece in the ‘morning’ when he wakes up so he’s sober. So we go watch tv and he’s putting his head on me and telling me he loves me etc. I’m pretty sure when he gets up I need to tell him that it’s over. How do you bounce back? I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And now I know that all his friends knew he talks smack about me behind my back when I’m not around. So every time I’ve seen them they’ve been thinking this stuff about me. When I talked to him yesterday I apologized for all the things I’ve done. I’m NOT PERFECT and I’ve apologized before for bad choices I’ve made (taking a job out of state, not being as supportive as I could have when he didn’t pay the mortgage, etc). But I don’t talk about him behind his back and I’ve made it clear anyone that doesn’t respect him isn’t allowed at the house. He’s not up yet. I will of course hear him out. But I don’t know. How could this possibly be sustainable?

Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.

[Cat Familiar]

Now that you're aware of his doublespeak, are you formulating a plan?

When you ask "How do you bounce back?" are you referring to rebuilding the relationship or starting a life separate from him?

[Stella Blue]

I think what I’m saying is that it’s impossible to rebuild. He cannot be trusted. I don’t see how it’s possible.

[Cat Familiar]

OK, then what's your plan, knowing this?