New here, married to BPD for 13 years

[spkrpro]

I’m new here, but have found so many stories that make me feel at home. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and she is BPD. I have not told her this btw. I was talking with my therapist a couple of weeks ago and by the stories that I was telling her she said I should research BPD. I landed here pretty quickly and also read the book “walking on eggshells”. My wife has done a lot of self help on her own over the years, but I have always felt like I am walking on eggshells. I never know when is the right time to have a conversation, often I feel like I got hit by a truck and did not see it coming(emotionally). She is very intelligent & high functioning, but everything is my fault. Even my kids can see the signs of when she is in a mood and will say “don’t talk to her right now”. I’ve lived with it so long it has became my normal, but has also wore me down to the point where I avoid all conflict to keep her calm. I told her that I have been sleeping on the couch for years and need my own room...we separated rooms. That’s the Facebook version. It was messy and emotional, but was also needed. It has been difficult to relax or sleep when someone is always feeling angry, sad, upset, etc or all at the same time when it’s time to sleep. So our new normal is separate rooms in our own home. I love her dearly, but she cannot see the pain she causes others. She lost her best friend last week and tonight her mom tried to commit suicide over some things that my wife told her. After she found out, she looked at my daughter and said: :that’s why you need to show people that you care” it sounded as if blame was being placed and not rightfully so. I am feeling at the end of my rope after so many years. I am isolated and have very few friends due to a volatile home life. Btw it is always my fault no matter what...I shut down and think about it then the next day get a little angry because I come to my senses and realize that its not true and I have feelings too. Round & round it goes more often than not:(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

you sound exhausted.

believe me when i tell you that things really can get better, and that there is hope.

it will take some work. all of the hardest things do. but ive seen some of the worst case scenarios turned around in my time here.

why dont we start by you telling us more about the last conflict, some of the back and forth. we can walk it through with you...start to help you to lead this relationship on a healthier trajectory.