Help Sister and possibly mother with BPD

[Cat Mama]

Hi there, I've recently been seeing a therapist to help me handle a crisis with my sister - we had a huge row over something trivial 2 years ago, have barely spoken since and she has now moved to the other side of the world. We have always had a rocky relationship but never such a long standing fall out. My therapist said last week that she suspects my sister has BPD. My mum has also been having therapy for the same reason and her therapist has said the same. My sister (34) gets highly emotional, sometimes without any obvious reason and has said some extremely hurtful things. I want her to get help and have suggested therapy but she feels everyone else is to blame. She thinks that I'm trying to bring her down and doesn't see how much I love her and am concerned for her.

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome Cat Mama!    Thanks for sharing what's going on. So glad you're seeing a therapist!

How do you feel their behavior impacted you?  It sounds like you want to repair the relationship with your sister. How often do you talk?

[Cat Mama]

We don't talk. She moved from the UK to Australia after falling out with everyone on our side of the family. I went over there recently and we met up on 3 occasions - the first two meetings were OK but on the third she picked a fight with me and I walked away to stop things escalating. At that time I didn't realise about BPD but now that my therapist has suggested it, everything has fallen into place. I have always felt like I'm treading on eggshells and when she flares up I'm never sure why. I try emailing her and she sends really hurtful stuff - I am some kind of monster in her mind. I just want her to see that I love and care but she accuses me of manipulation. She is the same with my parents, aunt and cousins. I  suggested therapy as a way of helping her work through her emotions (this was before I considered BPD) but she got mad and said "I am fine, you need to leave me alone: I am not your project to 'fix'!" Now I know a little more about BPD, I wonder if I can ever get on to better ground with her when we're on opposite sides of the world? I haven't replied at length to her last email - just said I'm sorry she feels that way. It's so hard because the temptation is to argue and try to convince her that I'm not out to get her, but having read the info on here about validation, I now realise my usual reactions have probably exacerbated the problems between us, if that makes sense?

[pursuingJoy]

First of all I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It is heartbreaking, isn't it?

I haven't replied at length to her last email - just said I'm sorry she feels that way. It's so hard because the temptation is to argue and try to convince her that I'm not out to get her, but having read the info on here about validation, I now realise my usual reactions have probably exacerbated the problems between us, if that makes sense?

It does make sense! Wow I think you're already doing a great job of learning about BPD and practically applying what you learn. It feels counter intuitive, and yeah, sometimes the urge to defend yourself is a tough one to suppress. You're doing really well.

Have you communicated with her since your last post?

[Methuen]

Hi CatMama

She thinks that I'm trying to bring her down and doesn't see how much I love her and am concerned for her.

Right.  There could be a lot of reasons for this.  It's unlikely she would ever be able to articulate those reasons to you.  If she's BPD, it's possible that she doesn't see how much you love and are concerned for her because at her core, she may feel unlovable perhaps?  That isn't something that's visible to anyone.  It certainly isn't with my mom.  

Telling her you love her won't be helpful if she's anything like my mom.  My whole life I tried to reassure my mom with both words and actions.  It never worked, because the root problem of my mom's feeling of being unlovable was still there.  That's part of the disorder I think.  For a BPD, that feeling doesn't go away because we tell them we love them. In fact the more we tell them we love them, the worse we make it, because they either don't believe us, or think we are lying, which can actually invalidate them.  It's kind of backwards to "normal" healthy relationships where we tell someone we love them, and that disclosure strengthens the relationship.  It was hard for me to process and understand all this when I was first learning about BPD.    

I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a wild guess that maybe your sister doesn't take compliments well?  Or doesn't hear, or process, or accept compliments when you give them?  Does that sound like it could fit?  If it does, it could be just like the "love" example above.

I have learned to say something nice to my mom, for example, "those are really good cookies".  But then I stop, and don't go on and on about the cookies to "convince" her they're good.  When the BPD doesn't believe the complement, or their disease makes them feel and believe "I just lucked out making good cookies this time", over-complimenting or JADEing actually becomes invalidating.

On another note, what else (other than the family conflict you alluded to) prompted your sister to move to Australia?  Was it a job?  A relationship?   It would be a pretty big decision to move across the world, and it also comes with $ cost, so I'm guessing she has some "means" and purpose to do so.

[Cat Mama]

Hi pursuingJoy and Methuen,

I hope you are both well? I just wanted to thank you both for your replies to my first post and apologise for the delayed response.  I haven't been on for a while as I guess I temporarily buried my head in the sand with regards to my sister, what with everything that's going on with Covid-19, it just felt like too much to deal with.

Since last posting, I read Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming BPD, which I found useful in helping me understand the condition more, but I suppose what it didn't help with was ideas for how I can improve things between us now that she has moved so far away. 

Methuen, you asked why the move? My sister's husband is Australian - she met him there. When she lived there the first time, after a while she became very unhappy and would call my mum crying a lot, saying that his relatives excluded her, etc. They then moved to the UK, but since falling out with most of the family here, they have moved back to Australia to be nearer to said relatives.  This is all in the space of about 8 years (when she originally went to Australia following a break up of a previous relationship) and she has also had two children in this time.  It's all very reactionary behaviour which I'm learning is typical of BPD, however I question my brother in-law's role in this - I don't even know if he thinks she has a personality disorder. My hunch is he buys into her story of an emotionally abusive childhood (which she has only begun talking about to me quite recently - a very different story to my own version of how we grew up as sisters, 3 years apart).  When she started saying terrible things about our childhood, I really started questioning my recollections and even wondered if my mum also had issues (hence the title of this post), that's how convincing her description was, but after reading the book, I got the idea that many BPD sufferers often have distorted memories of their pasts because the emotional lens they see things through is so negatively skewed.  Our parents did separate when we were in our early teens and I know this affected us both, but she talks about being made to feel ashamed and guilty in earlier childhood which is something I didn't experience.  I am close to my mum and I can see how badly she has been affected by this - she is really scared of my sister but also grieving the loss of her daughter and her grandchildren from her life.  She questions whether she has been a good mother or if somehow she caused this.

So interesting what you say about your mother, Methuen, and how telling her you love her can actually feel invalidating to her.  I think this could definitely be the case with my sister too.  She has so often accused me of being fake and trying to manipulate her when I say things that I mean to be reassuring.  Thinking about her reaction to compliments, I would say she doesn't really respond to them, almost like she doesn't hear them. 

PursuingJoy, since last posting, I have sent a few short messages - I kept them very upbeat and to the point - birthday and Easter greetings, and asking how they are doing in lockdown.  Sometimes she replies quite normally, even said she hoped we were ok too, or sometimes it's just, "Thanks" but other times she ignores me completely.  In the last one, I asked a couple of small talk questions but I haven't received a reply to that so I've left it.  That was almost 2 weeks ago.  I feel to some extent she doesn't want me in her life but if she really didn't, surely she would remove me as a friend on social media?  It's really strange - like she doesn't want to completely let me go, yet she cares so little for my feelings that she doesn't mind stonewalling me.  I know it's not about me, and I'm getting better at not taking things personally but it's hard, isn't it?  Also, it's very hard seeing how she interacts in a very kind and loving way with other people on social media in contrast to how she is with my parents and me.  I'm considering writing her an acceptance-acknowledgement declaration as suggested in Valerie Porr's book, but I guess I am a bit scared of a negative response.

Although I'm trying not to, I do blame myself a little because when we had the major argument over 2 years ago that caused us not to speak until last December, if I'd known then what I now know about BPD, I wouldn't have been so focused on being right.  At the time, I just felt that once again she was being unreasonable and unfair.  It was the last straw after so many arguments over the years that always seemed to me to come out of the blue, leaving me utterly bewildered.  I was determined not to once again make amends for a fight that she had instigated.  In hindsight, maybe I could have defused the situation by validating her rather than trying to defend myself and trying to make her see things my way.  Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?

I think the hardest thing is the realisation that we will probably never have that kind of relationship where you feel mutual trust and understanding, or indeed perhaps any kind of relationship at all.  We were close in the past; I think because ours was the only sibling relationship I knew, I considered it normal, but as I've got older I've kind of slowly realised through talking to others that it wasn't.  I'm also desperately sad that I will not have a relationship with her children any time soon and I'm concerned that as they get older they will likely come to suffer as a consequence of her BPD.  It is very much out of my control.  Methuen, I'm interested to hear more about your experience with your mother.  Was her BPD diagnosed? Do you think it is possible for a person with BPD to be a good parent?  How has it affected you? 

[zachira]

Cat Mama,
My heart goes out to you knowing you are dealing with your sister and mother who most likely have BPD. I have many family members with BPD, including my sister and brother, mother (deceased), and members of my extended family. You are taking important steps in getting help by reaching out to this site and attending therapy. I went to many years of therapy because of how I was affected by my family, as have many members on this site, and found it very helpful. My experience is it just takes time to figure out what kind of relationship we want to have with our impaired family members, and how to proceed in ways that will make life easier for us and for them. The first step for me was recognizing that my family members with BPD do not see me as a different person from them and dump their uncomfortable feelings on me. I recommend learning as much as you can about boundaries and participating here by posting, reading posts of other members, and taking advantage of the many educational materials on this site. Let us know how we can be the most helpful. We are here to listen and support you. Things will get better for you, and it takes time and lots of patience.

[Methuen]

Although I'm trying not to, I do blame myself a little

Don't.  Don't look back.  It's not helpful.  She has BPD - not her fault.  You didn't know she had BPD - not your fault.  Better to just move forward from where you are with what you know now, and not look back.

I think the hardest thing is the realisation that we will probably never have that kind of relationship where you feel mutual trust and understanding, or indeed perhaps any kind of relationship at all.

Yes this is hard to come to terms with.  I went through that reckoning last fall (realizing I could never have the Hallmark relationship with uBPD mom).  I went through a grieving process.  It doesn't last forever.  When acceptance follows the grief, it feels better.

I'm interested to hear more about your experience with your mother.  Was her BPD diagnosed? Do you think it is possible for a person with BPD to be a good parent?  How has it affected you?

No mom is undiagnosed.  Fifteen years ago when my dad's dementia was progressing, he asked me to take him to the doctor.  Mom couldn't cope with the changes as his dementia progressed, and what it all meant for her, so she was treating him badly (emotional abuse).  He asked me to come into his Dr appt with him.  After he told the dr his story, the doctor mused that it sounded like his wife had BPD.  At 3 different times in my life, I saw 3 different counsellors, and they all mused it sounded like my mom could have BPD.  BPD fits my mom perfectly.  My mom has refused counselling her whole life (I think the first time it may have been suggested to her was in her nurses training) It doesn't really matter if it is or isn't, because the information and strategies I have learned about BPD are all helping me.  What helps me also helps her because I can interact with her in more informed ways.  It all feels pretty superficial though.  It's not a deep relationship.  I'm always on edge, and I have a lot of fear, because she can change at the flip of a switch.  Thankfully, she went on antidepressents last fall (because 2 of her best friends were on them so that made it ok), and the difference has been surprising.  It helps me maintain contact with her, rather than feeling I have to go NC to protect myself.

As to how it has affected me, that is a longer conversation, and right now H and I are off to go do some preliminary kayak shopping.  If I forget to come back to this, please prompt me.   I have lots of thoughts.

[Cat Mama]

Thanks, Zachira.  I think it will be super helpful to know I can connect with others, like yourself, who have experience and knowledge of BPD, as most people I know will only have a superficial or misinformed understanding (not that I have discussed it with many people).  It's interesting what you say here about the dumping of feelings on you as I have often felt like some of the things my sister says of me when she is in a state of dysregulation are qualities that she possesses.  It's like she's speaking to the mirror and not actually seeing me if that makes sense, and I've often been left questioning my own perception of myself as I don't feel I am as she says I am.  I have had to seek reassurance from other people that I'm close to as I start to doubt myself.  Is this something that you can relate to?

[Cat Mama]

Hi Methuen,

Thanks for your reply. Hope the kayak shopping went well!

So interesting what you say about your mom and how a number of professionals mentioned the possibility of BPD.  That's how I came to believe my sister is BPD. I agree that the diagnosis is not as important as finding the resources and strategies to understand and manage the effect that their behaviours have on us and have the best possible relationship.

Also what you say about the grieving process - I think that's where I'm at now, but coming round to acceptance.  I'd love to hear more about how you think it's affected you.

[Methuen]

I'd love to hear more about how you think it's affected you.

This is hard to talk about.
I've had nightmares my entire life, and lots of sleep problems.
I catastrophize - something I'm working on addressing. I've spent a lot of energy in my life  planning how to avoid worst case scenarios.
I like to think of myself as a realist, but I have a friend who jokes I'm a pessimest.
I can be edgy in my words and tone when I'm under stress.  This is also something I'm working on. It mostly affects my H and daughter (who disclosed this to me recently whilst she is at home during Covid).  Obviously not something I was happy to hear, but I accepted it fully, so have started working on that.
I have huge trust issues.  For good reasons.  I think it clouds my view of the world.
Trauma is intergenerational, so my mom's BPD has had an affect on our kids too (who are now adults).
I fight myself against having a negative view of things. I try to have a positive sunny view of things, but my mom's influence and her negative view of EVERYTHING has coloured me.  Unfortunately, I didn't awaken to all this until the last year when I hit full on crisis mode with my mom.  I'm 58 now.  So I'm a big project for myself (talking about self-improvement here). 

On the positive side, my uBPD mom was a believer in education.  Big story there, but I'll spare the details.  It was her vision of education that gave me opportunity for post-secondary.  Looking back, I was probably a prop to make her look good, but I still got an education and a career out of it, so she helped me there.
I'm overly empathetic.  To a fault.  I feel everything for everyone.  I can only watch certain kinds of movies because of it.  My kids think it's funny.  I laugh along with them, but it's not actually funny.  It's a big problem.  I can also "read" people way too accurately, and see through the bad stuff years before anyone else does.  Empathy is good to a point, but I seem to go way beyond that point, and have no clue how to stop it.

Those are a few of my thoughts about how mom's BPD has affected me.  I've finally got the courage to order Christine Lawson's book "Surviving the Borderline Mother".  It hasn't arrived yet, but I'm guessing I'll become aware of more things after reading that book.

I'm interested to also hear how you think the BPD in your family has affected you?

[zachira]

"I have had to seek reassurance from other people that I'm close to as I start to doubt myself.  Is this something that you can relate to?"

Yes, I can relate to that. What has helped me the most is to make friends with people who treat me with kindness and respect. When other people value me for who I am, how badly my dysfunctional family members treat me does not impact me so much.

[Cat Mama]

Hi Methuen,

Hope you are well  I've not been on this site at all since the death of a close friend a few weeks ago. My sister's BPD has taken a back seat.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on how your mom's uBPD has affected you.  I can really relate to a few things you say.  Do you think your tendency to catastrophize is a way of trying to feel in control?  Like, if you can be prepared for the worst eventuality then you will always be in control and be able to handle whatever is thrown at you.  Maybe that is a routemap we develop because the behaviour of a loved one with BPD can be so unpredictable and leave us feeling very much out of control.  I suppose being aware of that tendency shows we are on the pathway to clearing that habit that no longer serves us.

Similarly with trust, if our loved one has not been reliable (through no fault of their own) then of course we're going to be wary of trusting others.  I find that hard too and then I feel guilty for thinking someone has bad intentions when they probably don't!  I think that's one thing I'm getting better with but I find it takes a while for me to trust someone, and I don't think I trust anyone 100%.  What has helped you to trust others more readily?

The negative thinking is also a big thing for me: I remember my mum being quite negative sometimes when I was a child, not really towards me, but towards other people and situations.  I don't think my mum has BPD but I think she was shaped by events in her own past and, like you say, ancestral trauma plays a part.  With my sister, everything negative is someone else's fault.  There is a massive amount of blame and no responsibility.  I think I've tried to counterbalance that by always trying to take responsibility for things and searching myself to see if I am somehow to blame for events that often have nothing to do with me!

Empathy is another thing you mentioned that I relate to.  I think I am naturally quite tuned into others' feelings too, but I also think that over time I've learnt to resist allowing myself to feel their pain as a bit of a protection mechanism, if that makes sense?  I find it very hard to take sides or have a definite opinion on some issues as my tendency is to see a situation from many different angles.  It can be exhausting sometimes, can't it? I definitely think the ability to empathize is a positive though, as nothing in life is ever clear cut and if we take everything at face value we often miss the deeper truths.  But when our empathy overwhelms us then I guess it's no longer useful.
 Meditation and yoga help me to cut through some of that mental chatter to get to a place of balance, peace and clarity.  Do you do anything like this to help you?

Has your Christine Lawson book arrived yet? And if so, has it been helpful?

[Cat Mama]

Hi Zachira,

I agree with what you say about being friends with people who treat you with kindness and respect.  I think it has only been through discussion with my friends, my husband and of course therapist, that I've realised that the behaviour of my sister towards me and my parents is not typical and points to BPD.  I think other family members have been too close to the situation to be able to see it.  The situation you grow up in is normal to you until you see another way isn't it?

[zachira]

Yes, it is indeed difficult to see our family members with BPD as being abnormal and that our family is dysfunctional. Many people never differentiate from the family of origin and have heartbreaking lifelong problems in relationships of all kinds. To be able to face the pain of growing up in a dysfunctional family and become a person in your own right surrounded with kind caring people you choose to have in your inner circle is an accomplishment that we often don't give ourselves enough credit for.

[Methuen]

Do you think your tendency to catastrophize is a way of trying to feel in control?  Like, if you can be prepared for the worst eventuality then you will always be in control and be able to handle whatever is thrown at you.

Absolutely.  I learned to survive this way.  There was always a crisis.  I had to be prepared for them.  The crises catching me unawares were so distressful, that I learned to anticipate them.  Unfortunately, this maladaptive behavior was reinforced by many anticipated castastrophes actually coming to pass.  When I catch myself catatrophizing now, I recognize it, and distract myself with healthier thoughts.

What has helped you to trust others more readily?

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  When someone's behavior shows a pattern of characteristics I find troubling (rather than single events), I slowly withdraw from that person, or if it's a workplace, I avoid them.  I prefer to spend my time around positive people who do no harm.  I recognize the negative people quite easily.  That's not necessarily a bad thing,   As to what has helped me to trust others more readily, I trust people that I have built a long-term relationship with.  There is reliability.  There is mutual respect.  There is equality.  There is give and take. The relationship is mutually beneficial for each of us.   There is kindness.  There is pleasure at spending time with the person.  These are the people I choose to be friends with.  They have faults, just like I do, but we look past each other's faults because there are so many other good things within the relationship.  The flaws are so minor that they don't even enter into the picture.  I am fortunate to have positive relationships like this, which helps to keep me grounded.

With my sister, everything negative is someone else's fault.  There is a massive amount of blame and no responsibility.

Yes this is my mom.  My mom also loves to gossip about other people, and make negative assumptions about them that she has no business saying out loud.  I called her on it the last time she did it, and told her I wasn't OK with hearing negative comments about someone else without them being there.  Boundaries right?  

Meditation and yoga help me to cut through some of that mental chatter to get to a place of balance, peace and clarity.  Do you do anything like this to help you?

Yes, I do meditation and yoga too.  But I have really embraced physical activity - which is new for me.  I love the outdoors, so I go spend time in the trees and mountains, or on a lake (just bought kayaks).  Before Covid, I used to go to the gym 3-5 days a week (mostly doing cardio and work my physio gave me to do).  But I really found the physical activity helped my mental health A LOT.  Earlier in my life I was too busy to look after myself (or didn't prioritize my own well-being), and was not physically active at all.  So this is a big change for me.

Yes Christine Lawson's book finally arrived.  I'm still in the first quarter of it.  It's definitely a helpful read for me.  Some of the BPD books I've read are easy to read, others are a bit of a slog (lots to process), some I have to make myself read, but this one I'm having a harder time putting down - for now at least.