What else can I do?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, glad to have found this site.

My 1.5 year long relationship has consistently and reliably been an emotional rollercoaster. I have hidden the relationship drama out of pure embarrassment because of the ridiculous and outrageous reoccurring  circumstances. I felt trapped inside of my own house and literally couldn't leave or get her to leave even if I wanted to. I tried to break up with her countless times, but she'd show up at my house at 4am, throwing tennis balls at my window until I came out. She would threaten suicide, text her sister/mom and then ignore their phone calls so they would have to come over and check on her. I even told her family that I needed their help getting her out of my house but she refused to leave. I didn't even feel safe in my own house.

I finally demanded counseling as a last resort, desperate for help... Almost begging someone to help me get out. We had one couples session where she rambled for 30 minutes straight about everything that I do wrong, and how I never take accountability for my part in arguments. At that point, I was so beaten down, overwhelmed and just plain hopeless that I shut down and essentially let her put on a show. The counselor recognized this but at that point could only rely what was told to him and I came out looking like a cold, hardened person, unable to share my feelings.

I am so grateful to have sought out individual therapy where I became aware of her potential BPD. My therapist instantly made everything make sense. For once I felt comforted that I wasn't crazy, it wasn't all of my fault, and that I wasn't so socially inept that I couldn't identify WHY she was mad or what I did that made her so angry. I literally had no idea most of the time, and my confusion (and facial expressions of being confused) enraged her even more. I was afraid to say anything, in fear of not saying it correctly or that my tone would be misinterpreted.

I'm still in the middle of trying to end the relationship. I got her to stay with her mom but she refuses to come get her things out. I think she uses it as manipulation and I still fear not being able to get out. I know you're not supposed to tell someone that you think they may have BPD, but what else can I do? I expressed concern about the behaviors and purposefully worded it in ways that reflected the big, basic symptoms in hopes of her self discovering it- but now she thinks she has PMDD, depression and anxiety. Even started on anti-depressant paired with anxiety management and birth control. But it's so much beyond that.

I don't want to expose her privacy but I truly need help. Is it ok to ask her sister for confidentiality and let her know that I think she has BPD? I need more help from others, otherwise I truly think she could harm herself or continually emotionally abuse me and never get the proper treatment that she needs.

Not sure what I need to hear. Maybe just best advice given the situation or support.

Thanks all.

[4amcrazy]

Hello, glad to have found this site.

My 1.5 year long relationship has consistently and reliably been an emotional rollercoaster. I have hidden the relationship drama out of pure embarrassment because of the ridiculous and outrageous reoccurring  circumstances. I felt trapped inside of my own house and literally couldn't leave or get her to leave even if I wanted to. I tried to break up with her countless times, but she'd show up at my house at 4am, throwing tennis balls at my window until I came out. She would threaten suicide, text her sister/mom and then ignore their phone calls so they would have to come over and check on her. I even told her family that I needed their help getting her out of my house but she refused to leave. I didn't even feel safe in my own house.

I finally demanded counseling as a last resort, desperate for help... Almost begging someone to help me get out. We had one couples session where she rambled for 30 minutes straight about everything that I do wrong, and how I never take accountability for my part in arguments. At that point, I was so beaten down, overwhelmed and just plain hopeless that I shut down and essentially let her put on a show. The counselor recognized this but at that point could only rely what was told to him and I came out looking like a cold, hardened person, unable to share my feelings.

I am so grateful to have sought out individual therapy where I became aware of her potential BPD. My therapist instantly made everything make sense. For once I felt comforted that I wasn't crazy, it wasn't all of my fault, and that I wasn't so socially inept that I couldn't identify WHY she was mad or what I did that made her so angry. I literally had no idea most of the time, and my confusion (and facial expressions of being confused) enraged her even more. I was afraid to say anything, in fear of not saying it correctly or that my tone would be misinterpreted.

I'm still in the middle of trying to end the relationship. I got her to stay with her mom but she refuses to come get her things out. I think she uses it as manipulation and I still fear not being able to get out. I know you're not supposed to tell someone that you think they may have BPD, but what else can I do? I expressed concern about the behaviors and purposefully worded it in ways that reflected the big, basic symptoms in hopes of her self discovering it- but now she thinks she has PMDD, depression and anxiety. Even started on anti-depressant paired with anxiety management and birth control. But it's so much beyond that.

I don't want to expose her privacy but I truly need help. Is it ok to ask her sister for confidentiality and let her know that I think she has BPD? I need more help from others, otherwise I truly think she could harm herself or continually emotionally abuse me and never get the proper treatment that she needs.

Not sure what I need to hear. Maybe just best advice given the situation or support.

Thanks all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome,

sorry you are going through this.

You have come to the right place.

It sounds like things are in a crisis mode.
Good that you are getting individual counseling...there is a lot to learn here, look around this website, when you can.

I do know that when things are going badly in my life, I do need to take my own space, bring comfort, peace, relaxation to my world.  Bring self care, it's hard during a pandemic.  Just anything where I can get a reprieve from the constant turmoil.

at some point in my journey, I am able to see I didn't cause the illness, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.  The more I can get this perspective, the more I gain calmness and strength.
Share more about what works, and what else is going on.

You are in the right place. 

Sincerely

juju