Just hard

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just needing... something. I don't know. I deal with a BPD partner, along with other issues in a comorbidity type mix. I am strong. I am stronger than I ever thought I needed to be. But sometimes, it gets to me. I have no one to talk to about this, no one that understands - sometimes I feel like I'm going to break. I KNOW I'm not always wrong, or the liar, or everything else - it just gets exhausting having to rebutt and defend myself from all this, even just in my own head. I think I'm just pouring it out right now. I don't even know what I need, I know I need a break. Because it CAN'T BE ALWAYS ME that is the cause of X, Y, Z. It's so hard to be strong. It's so hard to know you CAN'T make a mistake. It's so hard to not trust when you want to so badly.

And please don't get me wrong, I've researched and read how I should react, how I should handle this, how I should be. And I try very hard to be this person, and it has improved things a bit. And I've not blamed him or fought myself from blaming him for a lot of things. I'm not here to complain. I just want to feel that I'm not alone, and that I can really do this and go on when I'm so exhausted from trying. I wonder really, if I am doing all the things right that I should be doing. It's sometimes, you get tired, you know?

[sadduh]

Just needing... something. I don't know. I deal with a BPD partner, along with other issues in a comorbidity type mix. I am strong. I am stronger than I ever thought I needed to be. But sometimes, it gets to me. I have no one to talk to about this, no one that understands - sometimes I feel like I'm going to break. I KNOW I'm not always wrong, or the liar, or everything else - it just gets exhausting having to rebutt and defend myself from all this, even just in my own head. I think I'm just pouring it out right now. I don't even know what I need, I know I need a break. Because it CAN'T BE ALWAYS ME that is the cause of X, Y, Z. It's so hard to be strong. It's so hard to know you CAN'T make a mistake. It's so hard to not trust when you want to so badly.

And please don't get me wrong, I've researched and read how I should react, how I should handle this, how I should be. And I try very hard to be this person, and it has improved things a bit. And I've not blamed him or fought myself from blaming him for a lot of things. I'm not here to complain. I just want to feel that I'm not alone, and that I can really do this and go on when I'm so exhausted from trying. I wonder really, if I am doing all the things right that I should be doing. It's sometimes, you get tired, you know?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sadduh]

I think. I am an enabler.

www.duhspot.net/enable.png

[juju2]

Morning

it's okay.

I understand.

it will be okay too.

For me this journey has been the most difficult of my life.
Lost both parents by age 15, homeless at 16, divorced and raising two kids in 40's,
off all my tribulations, this has been the absolute hardest.

What it has done is moved me closer to my Higher Power, increased my faith, increased my resolve around what is important to me and my life.

There are silver linings.

share more about what is happening.

juju

[sadduh]

Oh yeah, and a little bit of a codependent... Jesus. Never thought I was. I never ticked off boxes under codependent, but in reading here, I do one or two codependent enabling things. And. reading. I think I am validating others the wrong way. Didn't think there was a WRONG way. The way it says to do it here, seems to me, pointing out the embarrassing/faulty part of the situation. I was always the "No, you are a good person..." type validator.

Feeling like a poopy now.

[HappyKJ]

Hi Sadduh, you are not alone. I have been going through this for over eight years. We just had a huge fight last night, sending me once again into a spiral. Now he's not talking to me. I'm torn between wanting to resolve it and move on and wanting him to acknowledge some sort of responsibility for our fights and not just blame everything 100% on me, because these fights keep happening over and over again. I try to use the tools too, but there's so many situations they don't fit into neatly. Just when I think I have everything figured out it's back to square one. I'm not perfect either and sometimes I handle situations poorly, crying and getting defensive. I wish I could do a better job at learning to separate my emotions from his -- I often feel like there's a thin membrane separating our emotions and his anger, anxiety, and depression seep into me. I looked at your list and I would definitely say I'm an enabler. My friend circle has diminished considerably, and I also have no one to talk to either. I meditate, go for walks, etc., which helps, but I'm thinking I need to talk to a therapist.  

[sadduh]

(Hugs) Yeah. Totally. It's so hard not to absorb all his stuff like you said, anxiety, sadness. And I'm trying to recognize resentment that builds up and understand that I shouldn't feel that way - that it isn't his fault. It's the illness that distorts things. I would love therapy, except now my insurance sucks. We fight occasionally and when we do, it not a good scene. We end up trying to communicate afterwards, and its baby steps for me and him. I know about the "over and over" again. It's gotten to the point that when he is apologetic or says he's going to change or whatever, is it real? Is he just saying that, because the same fights pop up, over and over.

I have always been fairly strong and lone wolf type, since everything I've went through, I've had to go through by myself, so I really have to fight the tough love part of me that is judgmental that someone can't just understand or "see" how to do things better, or act better or whatever. That is a bad combination with the whole care taker thing I got going on. I think I need to do a lot of work on me, because the me that worked well in the world before doesn't work well in the BPD world.

[sadduh]

I have to realize to not "defend" when he "attacks". It's not personal, and a lot of what he's saying isn't real, isn't the truth. It's hard to be that "above it". It's exhausting not to just fight back when you feel you've been wronged or you KNOW what's going on isn't right.

[sadduh]

He's caring, funny, smart, arrogant, justice oriented, a very black and white thinker, all the things that are great in someone. He's also some horrendous things that come with trauma and mental illness. It's during the stressors that it really backslides sometimes. It's gotten better since he's learn to trust that I will be there and in his corner. It's like EVERYTHING that is negative is suddenly a crisis - the "poop happens" and "poop will be fixed" thing isn't the first reaction. Eventually, there is a realization of the reality - that somethings are just little problems, and most things aren't as serious as "CRISIS". He's gotten better in thinking on how to ground yourself and seeing the middle parts of situations and not the extremes.

I've always been even keeled and calm about everything, to a fault I think, so it has been the deciding factor in a lot of episodes that could have escalated into a full blown conniption/nutty. I've been able to be a calming factor. But that is freaking hard, when you yourself CAN'T breakdown, and be weak. It's exhausting keeping on guard to be the one that needs to not make a mistake. But now I'm learning that's the wrong way to be.

[HappyKJ]

Yes, you described it perfectly! My bf is a wonderful man -- caring, intelligent, funny, strong. But the rages and mood swings, combined with the blaming and extreme thinking, make things very difficult. I've learned that I must make myself happy and when it comes to alleviating my own depression, anxiety, etc., that I must turn to other sources. The next step is not getting reactive and defensive in the moment. I know intellectually that I should not take things personally, but it's difficult when things are flying at you.

[sadduh]

Yeah. I'm there. He's back at being all sweet and normal now. And I haven't bounced back like I normally do. The last couple of days, I've been sullen and sad... a low level angry. I remember him trying to "make up" and "communicating" by telling me the way I was communicating was wrong, the way I was trying to empathize was wrong - NOT JUST TO HIM but just the way I did it in general was wrong, and others think so too. This is just plain wrong. I've operated this way in the world and have good friends for a very long time and am a functioning adult, so this was just pure bull***. (I hate that we can't cuss) And its feeling like a minefield. I just don't talk now, I don't know what will trigger and blow up or what thing I'll say that will bring the righteous anger down on me and another round of how much I'm doing or saying wrong. So I'm just quiet and not real responsive, and THAT is causing him to be butthurt too. So I can't win.

My mind and body are feeling drained, I don't feel like interacting with him, or indeed anyone right now. Sad and sullen. Successful communication to him is when I admit I was wrong and at fault. It's almost like if I have an opinion that he finds wrong or gets butthurt about, then its an earth shaking crisis and suddenly I'm the enemy. Right now, I'm more tired than I've ever been. And I feel so drained, and  this is highly unusual. It's lasted about two days now. It's not like this has been the worst episode ever, not even close, but maybe I'm just tired because I know this is what I'm in for, and its not going to get much better than this? I never think this way. And I don't know, maybe I'll bounce back here in a day or two. Right now, it feels hopeless. (I kinda thank god I found this, so at least I can verbalize to those who might understand).

[sadduh]

I find myself, reading this over and over, for comfort.

https://medium.com/@XanJ/recounting-the-wounds-surviving-a-relationship-with-someone-who-has-borderline-personality-3e73e5285b15

Two things from this especially I have to re-read A LOT:

"We are all responsible for our own happiness.
Sure, someone might say or do something to ruin your mood for a day, a week, or maybe even a month. You are not at fault for someone else’s malicious behavior, but you are also the only person capable of managing your own feelings. If you allow other people’s problems to take an excessively negative toll on your life, you are doing yourself an injustice. Everyone gets upset when wronged, but don’t let it become an overarching theme in your story.

Don’t blame them.
I once read a great analogy: that a borderline is like a drowning person who grabs onto someone’s arm, and in their desperation, they pull their savior down with them. They don’t intend to cause pain. To demonize them for their behavior takes you out of the space of compassion and understanding and onto a dangerous road to resentment and anger. It’s not just bad for them, it’s bad for you too. Give them space for their truth without denying your own truth."

Trying so hard not to slide into anger and resentment. It's so hard to do when it looks to yourself that they are purposely trying to place blame and wrong on you, trying to say there's something wrong with you...

[HappyKJ]

Wow, I went through the "communication" conversation with him just this morning (and have many times in the past)! In fact, I posted about it in another thread as it is part of a longer story. But yes, he did that I CANNOT communicate and REFUSE to communicate. When I asked him to please give me specific examples of what he would like to see in terms of clear communication (since it's a rather broad topic), he gave a sarcastic remark like I was an idiot. The hardest part is that this is already an insecurity of mine and something I do need to work on, but his approach is not working and certainly isn't making me more receptive to communication, never mind that he isn't the easiest person to communicate with. His harsh, dictatorial style and incessant criticism just causes me to withdraw more. Yes, I know it's not right to withdraw, and yes, I know he's lonely, but maybe he wouldn't be so lonely if I tried to work with people more and not take a "my way or the highway" approach. He prides himself on cutting people out of his life, which is why he has hardly any friends now. He'll make statements like "I'm not likeable" but he doesn't seem to engage in any introspection as to how his behaviors, attitude, and inflexibility is contributing to his loneliness.

Thank you for linking that article. I've read it before but definitely needed to read it again. I am a strong believer in being my own source of happiness and not letting others bring me down, but sometimes I slip up. This morning he was playing the blame game again and I said, "Well, guess what, I've been depressed and anxious too!" Not a good move on my part. I just get so fed up with him thinking that he's suffering for and because of me while I'm floating around in my happy little bubble.

[sadduh]

One thing I've taken away from a lot of this is abusive behavior is unacceptable. I don't know if its possible when it happens, to walk away or retreat to "ground" that makes you feel more solid and safe. These days, when rages start, I pretty much try to walk away, since I don't yet have the right tools to interact with some of the more aggressive and intense situations with out going into a defensive rage myself. I wish I could help or offer support or a friendly hand to hold, shoulder to cry on. I know how it is when I guess the devaluation? starts. You can only manage your own well being. You can't say that "if only I do/did this" it would fix him. Only he can fix himself. Only he can change his reactions to situations, to you, to himself. You need to know that YOU didn't cause it, YOU can't fix it, YOU can't control it. You can only manage and care for yourself, strengthen yourself and KNOW yourself enough to KNOW that you are strong and there isn't a damn thing wrong with you that has caused all this. ( again, I'm new to the BPD world, and someone else might say I'm full of it and can give you better advice), but I'm sending virtual hugs, and empathy.

And yeah, I'm desperately trying to take my own advice.