Lost at home...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One sided communication with little chance of ever expressing my feelings.    I get so angry just thinking about how I am treated by my wife.  If I do mention how I feel the conversation is turned around and I am basically called a piece of garbage.  My feelings do not count.
I can go three or four days and things are good and then just out of nowhere I am being berated and chased out the door being called the most hideous names or being accused of something I never did.  When I return to the house I then get the silent treatment.  Two days now getting the silent treatment with humming…  Childish behavior if you will…
 

[start_again]

One sided communication with little chance of ever expressing my feelings.    I get so angry just thinking about how I am treated by my wife.  If I do mention how I feel the conversation is turned around and I am basically called a piece of garbage.  My feelings do not count.
I can go three or four days and things are good and then just out of nowhere I am being berated and chased out the door being called the most hideous names or being accused of something I never did.  When I return to the house I then get the silent treatment.  Two days now getting the silent treatment with humming…  Childish behavior if you will…
 

[Diddle]

This sounds so familiar. We have a few good days, then the slightest thing sets UBPDH off. One day its forgetting to buy bleach, today its not wanting to invite people round this weekend. I am the worst wife ever, then the meanness starts. I don't get the ignoring, I get shouted out, told everything I do wrong in our marriage, then its like a switch is flicked and its forgotten, and I'm expected to forget it too.
It is exhausting, and I feel your pain and frustration. I am trying to find some happy in my life that doesn't involve him, so I don't feel so isolated, what do you find helps you?

[start_again]

Oh I get the yelling too.  The worst is the accusations that I have no idea where  they are coming from or what she is even talking about.  The worst is when I try to clarify - I am told to stop defending myself.

What helps me is to get out of the house and go to my unrelated support groups, to remind myself this is not my problem and to try to not feel sorry for myself.

It sure as heck is exhausting; I am in a constant no win situation.  I get calls at work and get screamed at, screamed at in the grocery store, in public.  It is like she is having an argument with herself – I don’t respond and walk away.

She threatens me that she is going to call the police – not sure what she is going to say to them. 

My job is not to react to the insanity and to not allow her to live rent free in my head.  I do at times ask her to stop and put my hand up with the stop sign as I say please stop.  This works sometimes.

What is most frustrating is when she puts words in my mouth and says that I said something that I never said.  The last thing I want to do is to say something to make matters worse. Do you experience this?

She tells me she likes to have time in the morning drinking her coffee and having conversation with me.  Three sips of the coffee and she is off to the races saying horrible stuff about me.  Who wants to go through that in the morning – I don’t.  However if I don’t sit with her in the morning there is heck to pay the rest of the day for me.  She likes to pull the strings, who has time for this?

[formflier]

Hey start again

Looks like there are some difficult patterns going on in your relationship.

Are you interested in looking at other patterns that might have different outcomes for you?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

tell me more

[formflier]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Please spend some time reading this article in particular and then browse other articles.

I'm interested in your thoughts  on "what it takes"?

Many things are "counter-intuitive"...so be prepared for "do what?" moments.  Probably a good idea to make notes of the times you read things and are surprised or have a "no way" response.

Best,

FF

[start_again]

Powerful read, I will get back to you in a day or so with my thoughts.

I like your suggestion to take notes.

One thing I do have have is an outside support system outside of the relationship - 

[Agapanthus7]

Wow, strong identification with your experience, start_again. With my wife, the silent treatment or being banished to the couch usually lasts a day or two. Ironically, the positive days set me on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's a whirlpool we get sucked into in almost every conversation, where any topic ("things are great") leads to "one thing is not great" which leads to blame and pathologizing. It's the same conversation over and over again, just in different disguises.

It's so hard not to clarify, not to respond to the accusation, even though I know it does no good.

This week, it's tears and demands. "If you cared about me," "If you cared about anyone at all," I would just do whatever it is she asks without questioning it. It's exhausting.

[JaneWrites]

I can identify with all of this. formflier, that article is kind of a catch-22.  What's essential is "a trusted and supportive family member." I'm not sure how we get there from here. uBPDh doesn't trust me and has berated me about how I'm not supportive. There's no one else to take this role.

[start_again]

My thoughts on what it takes….
Strength stability and balance a lot of work to maintain.  You have to have superhuman powers to maintain…
Realistic expectations now I am sad to know I am dealing with someone who does not have adult emotional skills.  I can be grounded in having realistic expectations.  There we go with the big word Acceptance.  Yup, once I accept that the relationship is for what it is and not for what I want - the pressure valve is released.  Focusing on a hopeful state is like a dog trying to catch its tail, can’t do it.
Keep my head above water and not be a part of the problem.  How do I set boundaries, how not to tolerate abusive treatment and threats?   I feel like I have to be a firefighter or maybe one of those hotshots fighting a wildfire – containment if you will…  Suggestions?
I did pick up some information in the article and will read more articles that are posted.  Keeping my emotional state grounded, friends do help me. 
My SO and I made plans to go camping next week Monday in the Adirondacks.  I made reservations and two days ago my SO told me she does not want to go.   I let her know she is welcome to go and that I am not cancelling the reservation.  I like camping and it is fun for me and will go and have fun either way. 
 Thank you FF for the help. 

[start_again]

Agapanthus7 thank you for your post.  I totally identify with waiting for the shoe to drop and the same one sided conversation; I am a piece of crap, in different disguises.  At the most opportunist time when the best effect can be had the shoe is dropped. 
Isn’t that funny we try to do whatever it takes and it is never good enough?  I think I am realizing my approach is wrong, I am exhausted also from it.  The article FF suggested to read is helpful…
The denial of the behavior is mind boggling.  Posts like yours are really helpful.  I can fall in the trap of thinking that my wife is not saying the things she says.  I don’t sleep in the same room with my wife, I got tired of her saying that I am a wife beater and that she is going to call the police on me.  I am not a wife beater and I will not tolerate the accusations so I moved to another room with no intentions of moving back.

[formflier]

   I let her know she is welcome to go and that I am not cancelling the reservation. 

Yes!

Please make sure you go!  I would love to hear details of your trip!

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Start again, I can relate with everything you wrote. Your approach Is very similar to mine. I’m learning that there’s little I can do to stop the disregulation from happening and little I can do to deescalate once it’s started. Like you walking away and/or staying quiet has been the most effective. If it wasn’t for friends and family I would feel so alone. BPDFamily has helped me to see that I’m not crazy and I am still amazed at how often I read about people living through the exact situations as I have.
Even if you don’t have luck with the tools, keep reading and practicing. It helps to know that you are trying, especially when getting blamed for all of the problems.
We’re going camping tomorrow too, so I hope everything goes well and I hope that you had a good time too.

[start_again]

I did have a good time camping and was able to work on a few things.  A big change for me was once I accepted that the only person that can change is me and my attitudes things got better for me. 
Until I could accept my wife as the way she is I could not live a well-balanced   life.  I need not concentrate on my perception of what is wrong with her rather I should  concentrate on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
The “ah ha” moment for me was after reading SWOE and getting an understanding of what has been going on my marriage.  I would say acceptance is a work in process for me.  I must keep my handy dandy magnifying glass of a mind on my acceptance and off my expectations.  My well-being is directly proportional to my level of acceptance of her and that I do not have the power to change my wife.
So when my wife gets upset with me I now have a choice to be either to resentment or empathy.  In the past I would default immediately to a resentful attitude which leads to anger and hostility on my part.  Now I am working on empathy with sincerity not an easy task for me however I am learning thanks to this site and others.  Now I can respond with words like “I can understand why that makes you feel that way” or just sit and listen without responding.
Camping will be fun enjoy…

[legalboxers]

mine was like that, she would fight with me days on end, and be nice to me. like her feelings were on a switch. until one day, the switch was turned off, subliminal broken plates, dishes, destruction, and an empty hole.