Broke the bond to my uBPD GF today - she moved out and I cheered sadly

[quiller]

Heartbroken.  6 years together.
feeling "dailed-out" right this second but marginalized and certainly devalued over time.
Told 3 months ago by today's exGF "your feelings don't matter, only mine do."  Then a week or two later i'm told that "I came back because you wanted me to move in with you" (we had not lived together but the kids are grown (me 54 she 50) but the two sentences together are literally no inclination of US/WE at all from her perspective, more devaluation I now know.

WE Started fast- but I came from a LTR 24 years with a biploar woman and met this woman online about 3-4 years after my D.

i loved the Sexy. Sexual to the extreme.
I loved the Idolized of me and the willingness to explore new together and hold hands together for 3+ years, and she shared/told it too all her acquaintances "the best" "so kind" opens doors, good with her kids, blah blah blah.  I did not understand/see she had no friends, only acquaintances or people who wanted her for her kink.

BUT i saw short term jobs which she could only keep for short period before being let go or quiting. 18 in six years. I asked and wanted to understand why she keep having difficulties... Every job was her being a victim... but at first I did not know that or see that. it got hard to support this trend over time, and that validated her devaluation of me.

I am an honest loving man something which gets told to me all the time by my close friends... .She lied to me one night, 3 years in, and I got very very mad... .then she blew up at me for being pissed I was lied to... .blatantly and in front of other people... .I did not understand why she flipped the conversation to it being MY FAULT. I do now. She had to protect herself at all cost (god knows from what).

Then more job loses; I help her get 3 years back child support and a good chunck of cash - I work on her cars to fix em when I can, and her vintage trailer, when I can, and with her son and his move into being 20's as I best can... .and her parents love me but her father says one day when he/she have had a fight and I am visiting "all of the guys exGF dates are nice, but they all leave and it is never exGF fault"  Me, in the dark to understand still that her behavior has been in place long before I got in the picture. he fathers words so true today. Boy, our love is great, communication gennerally solid, sex off the block, cuddling  to the 9's so I continue... .thinking I can do better/more/different and she will respond in kind.

Then... .more job losses including her being let go after two weeks from a 50K a year gig for rough housing with staff (she slapped someone and its on video)... ummmmmmmm, okay... .flags are up. She is vivacious but I kindly start asking for "chill time when out" she never really does that - always seeking to be the woman who is loudest, who is saying "been there done that" and has her relationship pasts to hold out to others and say "I know these men, he's a cheater/abuser/etc... .(you fill in the verb) and then her refusing to deal with our mutual friends since "they don't listen to me and I dont want the drama"

We clash... but one night she rages (my first time seeing this) and blames me for wanting to leave the scene for what seems to be her turning volatile (I did not understand the immediate need to disengage (wow the guilt I have on this too) someone with BPD) so instead I am using logic and BAMAMMMAMMAM... .she breaks my windshield and is throwing her cloths out of my car window - she broke the window with her boot heal from the inside. Never seen this in my life... .get home, sex like dogs... .and in the AM I am told it is all my fault, nothing I recall from that prior 6 hours is right, my memory is completely wrong on all events and BAM... .I now realize I am gaslighted, and she, this loving woman, she is the victim and did nothing.

time ticks by... go to her reunion from HS... .the guys she all knows are hounding me about her (she looks 15 years younger with the body of a 28 yo fitness model... ) All night I am surrounded by guys and talking nothing but respect. everyone leaves to hit a local place in the South Bay and some blonde - who must not know I am looking/hearing her is talking with the guys/wifes and says "don't invite exGf, I told them were would go to ABCD" and rolling her eyes. I was miffed... get in my car, p/u another couple drive to ABCD (which is empty) and when I get out of car I tell my exGF what i heard and saw. What happens?

I am told I am a lair.
update- 2 years later my GF brings this up and says that the blond is a bit&^. I let it go not understanding its relevance. things continue to deteriorate, but about two years ago on a raining evening i said the following:

"it take both of us to make a relationship work and the most positive things we both wanted were to laugh (and we did a TON - and I cannot understate that) followed by having the kids see us happy (2 of the 4 clearly have, the other 2 are non-committle still but that is just timing imho) and us having passion" I continued, "I would like you to look at your actions and the reactions those around you have, and your parents reactions and see if a slight modification in our working together and how your react (black/white, never accepting responsibiliy, even in part, curse tone, abandoning friend since the dont listen, etc... .) how maybe we can work on something that would help, together... .certainly I am fighting for her and for us in my head.

You all know that went well. Black/White thinking, victimization, how could I... .she basicaly says " its you not understanding me" And now I see we never really recovered from that night. She refused/s to consider her role in our relationship.

SO... tonight, right now (its 650PM PST)
I am broken hearted her and my kids will not see a LTR with fights, reconciliation and love.
I am broken hearted her and my kids will not see kissing, and holding hands and passion. I am broken hearted that our kids will not see the travel, and badtime coupled with the good times  of growing old with SOMEONE for a long period of time and instead feel that Divorce and being treated bad are items which cannot be changed by either party.

I feel broken hearted since when she moved in I said I will work on tone, and I will need her help, love and support and that we will both make mistake (it stopped after 1-2 months) and all she says is your mean, since she refused to look at herself and I have no doubt I mirrored her actions back to her in anger, defence and contempt since I did not matter as noted above.

I feel broken hearted because my best friend did not feel that all those life changing and clearly happening life events above were worth working with me and looking at herself at age 50 and asking herself if that is valuable & positive.

I am speechless.
today, the word has spread to the hood.
i got a text.
"I am so sorry tell me what I can do I am your friend, and I will be by your side if you want me there. You are a catch. It is her loss" (woman who knows exGF for 1.5 years)

me - utterly, sadly, remorsefully, brokenhearted (BUT NOT DEVASTATED - I cannot be someones punching bag when they refuse to hold my hand and jump together to see about fixing something together so we can be old and laugh at this stuff)

signed HEARTBROKEN and how long will my pain last. just soo unnecessary to go though when she will repeat all again... .with same outcome as all prior men.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

Hi quiller,



So do I understand correctly that your relationship has ended? Is this really the end or do you think it will recycle? What is the pattern between you two?

It is definitely quite difficult, to say the least, to fall for partners with an illness whose hallmark is unstable relationships. I share your sadness and confusion at the inability to make things work as I would have liked.

I think you will see that there is a lot here to read and learn about for every stage of a relationship - things that can help provide clarity and hopefully a sense of peace as you cope with the changes.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[quiller]

HI Pearlsw.
 you asked "So do I understand correctly that your relationship has ended? Is this really the end or do you think it will recycle? What is the pattern between you two?  '

I am not sure. we have had 1 prior breakup which was NC for about 5/6 months and then a few months contact and then she moved in back in jan slowly... I was actively working on tone... .she was actively helping but it stopped on both sides (or maybe I was thinking I have improved, and I believe I had)  As for prior breakups, the first 3 years None. but small and increased in frequency until last July 2017, back together in Nov 17 very very hesitantly but with a common prior goal of getting the kids off to collage and moving in together.

not sure that all makes sense.

IF we do recycle down the road (of which I am not confident) I am feeling that unless she is able to commit with me to jointly working on us, there is no need for moving forward. BUT this is all said after looking at the utter wealth of information on your tools dicussion page which, honestly broke my heart down to tears for not seeking and trying more ways... .I had only just started to read Radical Acceptance too... .but ... well she is gone today, I helped her pack and was very very rude to her for part of the time... .anger no doubt.

[pearlsw]

Hi quiller,

I think a lot of us regret not finding this site and its resources sooner. I've come to see it takes an incredibly high level of effort to sustain these kinds of relationships. At times I've really thrown myself into it, at others I've pulled back and not been able to give so much, the price gets very high.

But, I really think the tools here are helpful, for these or any kind of relationship, so they are worth studying. At the least, one can make a lot of self improvement here. You may find, as part of your learning process, that studying the tools, and talking about them with others here will help you and all of us a lot.

What are your thoughts on Radical Acceptance?

sincerely, pearl.

[quiller]

This is the OriPoster - and today - she left again.
My opinion on Radical Acceptance is it needs such clarity and strenght to implement in the moment and years of practice and that I was not able to do it for us or myself.

That said - here is Aug 2020 and she is gone again - fired from another job after 1 year and myself and our friends were so happy that she had that opportunity for so long and NONE OF US over spoke to her about it. Found out in a rage and crashing anxiety attack 3 weeks ago she is fired/or fights with staff and for the whole year it has been "hell" working there. she sprials and sadly i have less supportativness at this time give her devaluation. she moves out one day - back in the next day - and then packs boxes and 1 week later I am helping her move her PLEASE READ out again.

BUT - every single friend which she called and asked to see if she can move in/help her - all of them have called, text or told me they said NO. she is hitting rock bottom. I have not dwelled on her getting treatment, but up until this blow out - she has been and we have been really great imho.

BUT she left the state to go to her families. She as gone NC (which is fine with me) and at this point every single friend is saying "dump that bitch" or "better off without her"   PLUS - i reached out to every an older group of friends who have invited me back to their parites/group at the beach since the ud ExGF is gone.

Not cyring much this time - but feeling like I lost my partner.
100% unwilling to move forward with her every again - unlike the prior epsisodes - so that she now has to be commited to getting treatment, w/o me in her life until her psych agrees we can meet. Odds of this Happening are close to zero, since, it is, still, every other person on this planet fault and mostly mine.

LOLOL - over it now.