Drained from dealing with BPD adult daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello, this is my first post.  My daughter is in her late 20s and married with two children under the age of 5.  She has been a handful since her late teens, and I am all but certain she has BPD.  She will not get therapy and blames everyone else for her problems. I think she has a love-hate relationship with me, and I have read that with BPDs, it’s “I hate you, please don’t leave me.” She is verbally abusive, enjoys embarrassing me in public, bullies me relentlessly and is unappreciative of everything my husband and I do for her/her family, which has been a lot.  I never yell back at her, that has never been my style, but it’s usually futile to try and reason with her.  If I walk away, she follows me.

She and her husband have a volatile marriage, complete with yelling, emotional and verbal abuse and a few physical altercations.  Whenever this happens, she runs to me in hysterics. I’m beside myself over what it’s doing to my grandchildren.  The older one gets upset when he hears his mommy getting cranked up.  She and her husband fight right in front of us.  Any effort to calm her when she gets going with him is useless and only seems to make her worse. 

She is never satisfied, nothing is ever enough with her.  I’m always lacking in some way in her eyes, and she isn’t above using her children as pawns (“If you don’t...you won’t see them...”).  I don’t think she’d actually do that since I know she loves them and knows that it would hurt them as well as us (we have a very close bond with them and see them often).  But this is still a huge stress factor in my life since we love them very much, know that they love us and would not understand, and I think they really need some stability from somewhere.

She is a SAHM, and her husband earns a good living.  They have a beautiful home and nice things.  We have taken care of the kids so they could go away for the weekend (even paying for it once as a gift), and prior to Covid, we babysat on a regular basis so they could go out to dinner, etc.  I watch them regularly now just to give her a break.  We love spending time with our grandchildren, but our daughter doesn’t seem to understand or care that we have our own lives, too.  She claims she needs more help, that her life is so difficult, and somehow it’s my fault for never doing enough. Her husband does help out with the kids but does not interact with them much otherwise...never seems to get down on the floor and play with them, etc.  My daughter says she hates him, that their marriage is miserable but that she “can’t” get divorced. They both drink too much, especially my daughter.  I believe they are probably both miserable, and once when we were dragged into one of their altercations (which required a trip to the ER), we spoke to them both about counseling and perhaps a little time apart.  They agreed and of course never went, and nothing has changed.  I have told my daughter that if they do decide to divorce, we will support her emotionally and help financially if necessary, but she claims her husband has said he will get everything, etc.  I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

We have a home very near their home, as well as a vacation home where we spend the summers, and my daughter and the kids love it here.  She wants to come down every week, and I would love for the kids to be here a lot more (especially now), but I can’t handle that much time with my daughter.  We offered to have them here for some weekends to give her a break and/or to give her and our son-in-law some alone time, but she feels they are too young to be here without her.  I respect that, although she admitted that she wants to be here, too...and when she is here, she behaves as though she’s on vacation.  My husband works full time from home, and we try to give her some alone time, but she has a sense of entitlement and again is never satisfied.  I expect little kids to be rowdy and messy, but I don’t expect that from adults - especially since their own home is very tidy.  I see it as a(nother) sign of disrespect towards us. 

Right now, she is badgering me with texts over wanting to come down “more often.”  They just left the other day after spending nearly a week and will be back in about 2 weeks for another week.  In the meantime, I have explained that we have some things to do - that is true, but the reality is that I can’t handle her as it is, let alone more frequently.  I feel drained, anxious and depressed from this recent visit. Her behavior has affected my mental health, and probably my physical health, and I am about to start online therapy.  But I’m very torn because of my grandchildren.  My husband and I love them dearly and are very worried about the volatile environment they’re growing up in.  My daughter can be a very loving, patient and involved mom...but she is so often raging at her husband right in front of them or about others she feels have slighted/mistreated her.  I heard her telling her son the other day that his daddy was “bad.”  She rages about something or someone almost every time I see her, demanding my undivided attention and ignoring her kids at such times.  We have been supportive of her and our son-in-law in every way we can, but they just take us for granted and my daughter harasses and bullies me into doing even more.  She doesn’t respect any boundaries I try to set, and I really don’t know what to do...I love her and want to help and support her, but she won’t see a therapist, and I’m at my wit’s end trying to balance her needs, my grandchildren’s well-being, and my own mental health.

Thank you for reading this...I think it was therapeutic just to type it out.  If anyone has any suggestions for me, I’d welcome them. 

[TiredMom910]

Hello, this is my first post.  My daughter is in her late 20s and married with two children under the age of 5.  She has been a handful since her late teens, and I am all but certain she has BPD.  She will not get therapy and blames everyone else for her problems. I think she has a love-hate relationship with me, and I have read that with BPDs, it’s “I hate you, please don’t leave me.” She is verbally abusive, enjoys embarrassing me in public, bullies me relentlessly and is unappreciative of everything my husband and I do for her/her family, which has been a lot.  I never yell back at her, that has never been my style, but it’s usually futile to try and reason with her.  If I walk away, she follows me.

She and her husband have a volatile marriage, complete with yelling, emotional and verbal abuse and a few physical altercations.  Whenever this happens, she runs to me in hysterics. I’m beside myself over what it’s doing to my grandchildren.  The older one gets upset when he hears his mommy getting cranked up.  She and her husband fight right in front of us.  Any effort to calm her when she gets going with him is useless and only seems to make her worse. 

She is never satisfied, nothing is ever enough with her.  I’m always lacking in some way in her eyes, and she isn’t above using her children as pawns (“If you don’t...you won’t see them...”).  I don’t think she’d actually do that since I know she loves them and knows that it would hurt them as well as us (we have a very close bond with them and see them often).  But this is still a huge stress factor in my life since we love them very much, know that they love us and would not understand, and I think they really need some stability from somewhere.

She is a SAHM, and her husband earns a good living.  They have a beautiful home and nice things.  We have taken care of the kids so they could go away for the weekend (even paying for it once as a gift), and prior to Covid, we babysat on a regular basis so they could go out to dinner, etc.  I watch them regularly now just to give her a break.  We love spending time with our grandchildren, but our daughter doesn’t seem to understand or care that we have our own lives, too.  She claims she needs more help, that her life is so difficult, and somehow it’s my fault for never doing enough. Her husband does help out with the kids but does not interact with them much otherwise...never seems to get down on the floor and play with them, etc.  My daughter says she hates him, that their marriage is miserable but that she “can’t” get divorced. They both drink too much, especially my daughter.  I believe they are probably both miserable, and once when we were dragged into one of their altercations (which required a trip to the ER), we spoke to them both about counseling and perhaps a little time apart.  They agreed and of course never went, and nothing has changed.  I have told my daughter that if they do decide to divorce, we will support her emotionally and help financially if necessary, but she claims her husband has said he will get everything, etc.  I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

We have a home very near their home, as well as a vacation home where we spend the summers, and my daughter and the kids love it here.  She wants to come down every week, and I would love for the kids to be here a lot more (especially now), but I can’t handle that much time with my daughter.  We offered to have them here for some weekends to give her a break and/or to give her and our son-in-law some alone time, but she feels they are too young to be here without her.  I respect that, although she admitted that she wants to be here, too...and when she is here, she behaves as though she’s on vacation.  My husband works full time from home, and we try to give her some alone time, but she has a sense of entitlement and again is never satisfied.  I expect little kids to be rowdy and messy, but I don’t expect that from adults - especially since their own home is very tidy.  I see it as a(nother) sign of disrespect towards us. 

Right now, she is badgering me with texts over wanting to come down “more often.”  They just left the other day after spending nearly a week and will be back in about 2 weeks for another week.  In the meantime, I have explained that we have some things to do - that is true, but the reality is that I can’t handle her as it is, let alone more frequently.  I feel drained, anxious and depressed from this recent visit. Her behavior has affected my mental health, and probably my physical health, and I am about to start online therapy.  But I’m very torn because of my grandchildren.  My husband and I love them dearly and are very worried about the volatile environment they’re growing up in.  My daughter can be a very loving, patient and involved mom...but she is so often raging at her husband right in front of them or about others she feels have slighted/mistreated her.  I heard her telling her son the other day that his daddy was “bad.”  She rages about something or someone almost every time I see her, demanding my undivided attention and ignoring her kids at such times.  We have been supportive of her and our son-in-law in every way we can, but they just take us for granted and my daughter harasses and bullies me into doing even more.  She doesn’t respect any boundaries I try to set, and I really don’t know what to do...I love her and want to help and support her, but she won’t see a therapist, and I’m at my wit’s end trying to balance her needs, my grandchildren’s well-being, and my own mental health.

Thank you for reading this...I think it was therapeutic just to type it out.  If anyone has any suggestions for me, I’d welcome them. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you TiredMom910

There actually is a book titled "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."   Years ago that is the first book I ever read on the subject of BPD and I cried pretty well all the way through it.  It described what was happening with our daughter...what was happening to me, her Mom.

I am always more drawn to grandmothers because I have lived through the fears of possibly being separated from them because of my daughter's anger towards me.  That fear kept me shackled.  Sadly, in our case, that is exactly what happened...a number of times.

I remember, too, being drawn into all the drama of her relationship breakups.  There were a couple of her partners who I actually liked...felt sorry for them because of her treatment of them.

Then there is the heartbreak of knowing what your grandchildren are subjected to with their parents arguing.  What must be going on in those little one's minds to hear that their daddy is "bad"?

Setting boundaries is so important...more so with these troubled ones who share our lives.  It is not too much to ask that your daughter treat your house the same way she does hers.  Those grandchildren will soon pick up on her role-modelling, seeing that there is no need to be neat at your house.  Best to change that attitude as soon as possible.

For sure changes have to be made and they have to start with you because your daughter is quite comfortable with the status quo...she is in control.   Will it be easy?  No! 

It is indeed encouraging to read that you are taking steps...are about to start therapy  ...and...you have jumped in here.  I so agree with you when you say it was therapeutic to write.  Putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart and my hurts has relieved so much pressure ...helped me to move forward.

Hopefully you have spent some time reading the posts of others and there are few who have recently joined who have similar problems as you with their children.  It is so, so good to know one is not alone.

Once again, welcome.  Hope you keep sharing what is happening on your journey...hope you reach out to others to help them along in theirs. 

Huat

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey TiredMom910 - Welcome:
I'm sorry about the abuse you are getting from your daughter.  She clearly needs some counseling and to learn healthy coping skills, instead of using alcohol.  I'm glad you are starting some online therapy.  Perhaps an initial goal is to gain support in enforcing boundaries.

She is verbally abusive, enjoys embarrassing me in public, bullies me relentlessly and is unappreciative of everything my husband and I do for her/her family, which has been a lot.  I never yell back at her, that has never been my style, but it’s usually futile to try and reason with her.  If I walk away, she follows me.

She doesn’t respect any boundaries I try to set, and I really don’t know what to do...I love her and want to help and support her, but she won’t see a therapist, and I’m at my wit’s end trying to balance her needs, my grandchildren’s well-being, and my own mental health.

You need to get serious with enforcing your boundaries, which you have control over and are the one who has to enforce them.

You can't have boundaries over what you personally don't control.  You can't make her quit bulliing you, being ungrateful, verbally abusing you, etc.  So, you quit rewarding her, with things she is ungrateful about.  Don't respond to abusive and/or excessive texts. Leave her home, when when the first abusive comment is stated.  Limit her visits to the Summer home & ignore the begging texts.  When you do let her come to the Summer home, let her know the rules before you let her visit, that you will enforce them & then just do it!

You have to stay strong.  Enforcing boundaries can be more stressful for you initially.  Sometimes, the bad behavior escalates, before it gets better.  By staying strong and enforcing boundaries, you could be giving her the greatest gift in the long run.  Looks like something has to force her into treatment/counseling.  Unless she can admit she has a problem & wants to change, her children will soon be the ones going to counseling. If you visit your daughter, at her home, Leave her home at the moment she does something abusive.

Make a rule (and enforce it!) about the vacation home, i.e.:
No alcohol
No verbal abuse
Establish expectations about chores & being tidy

They both drink too much, especially my daughter.  I believe they are probably both miserable, and once when we were dragged into one of their altercations (which required a trip to the ER), we spoke to them both about counseling and perhaps a little time apart.  They agreed and of course never went, and nothing has changed

She rages about something or someone almost every time I see her, demanding my undivided attention and ignoring her kids at such times.

Perhaps you need to talk to your daughter again.  Consider telling her that you are concerned about her drinking and raging and that she needs to seek a medical evaluation & therapy.  

Try a SET statement (Support, Empathy, Truth): i.e.
"I want to support you in healthy ways.  I can understand that it can be difficult to manage stress and emotions in a healthy way.  That being said, I am enforcing some personal boundaries, until you get some therapy/help, quit drinking alcohol & modify abusive behaviors."

You might want to add some "I" statements.  The formula for "I" Statements is:
I feel _____
When _______
What I want is ______
 i.e.
I feel bullied & disrespected, when I'm called ______.  I need that to stop.

I feel used and unappreciated when you come to the Summer home & _____.  What I want to see is _________

[Pomsie]

I am finally retired and what I have been doing is spending 6 months of the year in summer over in beautiful England. Nothing in my BPD adult daughters life got better or worse when I was gone, and I made friends, went sailing and had the time of my life. I will keep doing this as long as I can. When I come back to California for a break, i try to not get back into any of her drama. Being stuck here with Covid had made things horrid. Cant wait to get away. Sometimes it is perfectly ok to run away.
Pomsie