How do I take care of my own mental health?

[Dadrunner]

My daughter, S., whom we adopted as an infant, has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  The more I read about it, the more it tallies with aspects of her behaviour, and difficulties in our relationship with her.   Up until very recently, she thought I (her Dad) was "on her side" and ok, while my wife was not - she accuses her mother of being cold, unloving, constantly critical, which is quite unfair.   We fostered her before adoption;  short-term, which became long-term - in those days, there was no preparation or support offered, we just had this child delivered to us, and had to co-operate to carry out her first nappy-change.

She did not walk for quite some time - she had a fat little body, and thin underdeveloped legs.  We now realise that this was probably the result of being left sitting in her cot for days on end, with no contact, stimulation or exercise, and not even the beginning of bonding with her mother.  When her mother visited, her only way of relating to her baby seemed to comb out her hair, which obviously hurt her, and which she hated - "afro" hair being dry-combed must have been uncomfortable.   Now we can understand that her difficult relationship with her adoptive mother is probably related to the lack of bonding with her birth mother.   

S. is now 46, and living 250 miles from us, and often we feel that her only interest in us is as providers of money.   She is on benefit owing to her fairly recent diagnosis, which we augment with a modest allowance out of our pensions (we are now both 75).  She knows there is treatment in the form of counselling available, but we do not know how much of this she has actually received.  She asked us for money to pay her therapist, but the impression is growing more and more strongly that (in this and other matters) the money we send is not being used for the purposes it was asked for.   However, when we have suggested that we pay directly on her behalf, she reacts with anger and accuses us of undermining and demeaning her.

I now fear for our own mental health.   We are losing sleep, waking in the early hours and being trapped in circular worry-thoughts.   We get some support by text, from a friend of S. who is an adoptive mother herself, and had all the preparation and support we lacked, and who is well aware of S.'s condition.  However, she has her own family to care for, and we are unwilling to weigh her down with our problems, though we stay in touch, and she is always supportive.  If I actually talked to someone, there is so much more I could say and tell them about.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

It is so good that you are recognizing the importance of your own mental health and the impact of having a BPD family member on it.  I strongly suggest that you get a therapist for yourselves who has expertise with BPD, if you haven't already.  And know that you are doing the best you can in any given moment.  It is not easy.  Your daughter's behavior may feel like they are personal but they are about her disease, not about you.

[NorthernMom]

We just started this journey with my almost 18 year old daughter but I do find myself 'fast forwarding' and feeling your turmoil.  Though my daughter is biological, she is currently non-communicative, lives away from us at school and has only had sporatic-transactional interaction with me related to money when she did contact us.  Over the summer, same thing.  Would only really interact with her Dad and I when she wanted something and if we put limits, conditions, expectations in place...she enraged.  My mental health was struggling then and has struggled since she 'ran-away' to university and the revelation of all that presented as BPD is now coming to light.

I can offer some of my perspective...that I am still struggling with, again because it's early days and very very hard not to fall into enabling habits nor to worry ALOT:

- In the end, it's not going to do anyone any good if I am damaged by this.  I have friends and family who know of this situation, but I don't need to be one of the people on their list to worry about ontop of our daughter's complexities.

- My daughter isn't going to benefit from me doing the same things and behaving the same way: when you know better, you do better.  And its never to late to do better for yourself.

- I/We need to redefine our family and our rel'ship with our daughter.  There must be boundaries and an acceptance that those boundaries will create hostile reactions, ultimatums etc. and I must stand strong for her own benefit even if she doesn't see it.

- I need to grieve the loss of the relationship and family I thought I had and move into a place of reality and deal with it directly.  If I don't I will continue to hang on to a life with my daughter and family that is a fairy tale and cause me/us hurt over and over again.

My 2cents:  look after your own best interest and enjoy a quality of life you have earned.  Set the example for your adult daughter and don't look back.  Get counseling or take other steps to help re-direct your emotional energy into yourselves and those who support you.  Accept help from others..you aren't a burden.  And all interactions with your daughter need to be on your terms, with you in the driver's seat.  If she doesn't let you pay for things directly to the receiving party, then she doesn't get the money.  It's your support...your terms.