Bracing for what could be a terrible week, or more

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m writing today mainly as an outlet and a way to express some feelings. This is undoubtedly going to be a hard week, even if my wife didn’t show BPD traits. On Wednesday a year will have passed since the terrible accident that took our precious little boy. Today I started feeling the weight of it. I’ve had a lump in my throat all day. My wife is sure to be feeling it too, but she doesn’t like to express it, except in anger.  Things are still very tense between us, but we are trying to be civil for the sake of our 7yos  ( thank god he wasn’t in the car last year).
I am bracing myself as I expect everything to be heightened way more than usual. I won’t be surprised if every little thing will carry the potential for massive explosions. I will try my hardest to not react, but I know that my emotions will be running high too.

I just wanted to express this since I can’t talk about this with her.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry for the loss of your precious son. These anniversaries will always bring sorrow, but hopefully too some wonderful memories of your little boy. 
 
Cat

[formflier]

 


So sorry as well.   What can you do to be especially kind to yourself?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

.

So sorry as well.   What can you do to be especially kind to yourself?

Best,

FF

I have been a fan of the LA Dodgers since I was 8. So I will be watching the World Series and hoping I have a little Angel in the outfield

[RestlessWanderer]

Thank you both. I will be doing my best to be kind to my wife this week (not that I’m ever not kind, but I know she will need it too). I will try to not let my grieving this week cloud my ability to see that she is hurting as much or more than I am, and how that will influence BPD behaviors.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m wondering if your wife might feel such guilt, and because of how internally painful such emotions are for a pwBPD, this might intensify her tendency to spew negative emotions on you.

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m wondering if your wife might feel such guilt, and because of how internally painful such emotions are for a pwBPD, this might intensify her tendency to spew negative emotions on you.

She has acknowledged feeling guilt, a lot of guilt. One of the many complex emotions factoring into her unstable and volatile state.

[Cat Familiar]

Pardon me if I intrude, but I just had a thought that I wanted to share with you and see if it might resonate.

I imagined that you have been so kind and supportive of her, rather than placing any blame on her. Because of that kindness, she might have felt even more guilty.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that you did anything inappropriate, but from my experience with pwBPD, it seems that many of them expect to be blamed or feel like they're bad, just in general. Something like your wife's experience, would be soul crushing for an emotionally balanced person.

Then to be treated with such kindness by a partner who is also suffering and grieving--that could really add up to a tremendous amount of guilt.

So what do pwBPD do when feeling overwhelmed by their internal suffering--they often try to make others feel bad in an effort to avoid experiencing their own emotions.

I sense this might be at the root of a lot of the discord you experience coming from her.

[RestlessWanderer]

CF, I think that you’re on to something. She has made admissions along those lines, especially if she is seeing me openly grieving. There have been times when she has seen me like that and has said that she feels worse in those moments because she feels responsible. I reassured her that I didn’t blame her, but I did tell her that I think that I would feel the same way: responsible for the accident regardless of the facts and regardless of what anyone could say to me.

[RestlessWanderer]

The hardest thing for me right now is having to grieve alone. We can’t talk at all. The most basic of interactions are met with frustration and instantly go off the rails. I know that she is suffering an impossible amount and she seems to have expectations of me that I’m not aware of what they are. By not meeting them she is feeling more and more animosity towards me. This makes communication even more difficult. On top of that she is expressing that she thinks that I am doing it on purpose out of spite.
This just sucks and I feel so frustrated and alone.

[formflier]

What are you supposedly doing on purpose?

[AskingWhy]

This just sucks and I feel so frustrated and alone.

One of the hardest things when one has a BPD partner is the loneliness.  This is why BPD family is here.

All of the us nons understand the pain, anger and frustration of trying to make sense of a partner who has a separate definition of reality.  Please, please try to understand none of this is your doing. 

 

[RestlessWanderer]

What are you supposedly doing on purpose?

It’s usually something that I forgot to do, or was confused about. I have no desire to make things worse, and definitely don’t do things to be vindictive. She say it often, so I’ve payed less and less attention to what brought it on since I know it’s not true.

[formflier]

We'll need to try different responses to find ones that help this "did it on purpose" thing.

"Oh good heavens no..." followed by a pivot to deal with the broad concern seems to work for me.

What responses have you tried?

Best,


FF

[RestlessWanderer]

I am usually either defensive or silent. Silence has been the most frequent response over the last couple years. In the moment I’m usually not quick enough on my feet to say anything that isn’t hurting my cause so I choose to be silent (which really isn’t too helpful other than not adding more fuel to the fire).

[RestlessWanderer]

I expected today to be especially hard and with high potential for dysregulation. Today was the date of the accident a year ago.
As expected, she blew up at me over nothing. I’m not sure if I responded the beat way or not.
This morning she asked me to stop by our local gas station and pay for some gas for her as she’d be going later (small town). We were out of cash so she wanted me to stop by and prepay. We had also talked about me going to our little coffee shop for some breakfast burritos. She suggested I ask my mom for $20 to cover the breakfast. But we decided not to get breakfast after all.
So, a little bit later, I was heading to town and figured it would be a perfectly fine idea to ask my mom for the $20 and leave it for my wife for gas when she left, rather than run the risk that the plan to prepay at the gas station might not work.
Apparently that was a bad idea. My wife blew up because she didn’t want to ask my mom for anything (except breakfast I guess). She said she would just scrounge up some change instead. So, I left without arguing. I didn’t stop and prepay either.
When she was leaving she gave me a call to see if I had stopped at the gas station. When I said no, she lost it again, calling me some fun names that I can’t write here. Again I kept quiet and she hung up on me. Later she sent me some texts that said a lot of the same things. I didn’t respond to those either.
Was this a reasonable non-response or could there have been something worth saying here?

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry. And here’s some 

It appears there’s no way to please her, so don’t worry about trying.

And you’ve been trying so hard.

Just do what feels right to you. Know that you won’t likely get the feedback from her that any normal appreciative woman would give, but this is your current situation.

You are trying your best. And someone out there sees it. And I hope that helps.

Cat

[RestlessWanderer]

Thank you Cat. That means a lot. I’ve been living like this for years, which baffled me for so long not understanding why she would react so strongly and negatively. I’ve always held onto that, even if I do ask others if I’m wrong about my actions. Trust but verify.

[formflier]

I like the trust bu verify sentiment.

Another thing you should consider is from time to time "backing up" to the 30,000 foot view.

Your wife loves pulling your strings (ask your mom, don't ask mom, leave gas money, forget about it, pick your nose...hide the booger, but not over there...who would ever hide a booger over there?  you should only hide boogers over here)

Control...think about it.  Avoiding consequences.

If she wants to take a trip and needs money...plan for it...don't try and control your spouse. 

(assuming there is no real emergency)

So...does the 30k view change the response you wish you had had?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

FF, control is definitely her MO. From 30k ft it looks the same. In the moment I recognize her grasping for control. I chose to offer a reasonable solution. But it wasn’t what she said, thus she lost control. Then when I did do what she said (leave her to scrounge up change) she upset because she realized I might actually do what she said (that’s why she called to check before she even went to get gas). Then the insults to probably see if she could get me groveling to try and make peace. No response from me again threatened her control, hence the 4-5 more messages.

[formflier]

So...I think you have her part basically correct.

I'm curious about your part. 

What do you see about your part in this?  (again..stay 30k feet)

"Hi...I'm restless wander wife..and adult.  I would like to hand over some of my adult responsibilities restless wander and I would also like to control EXACTLY how he carries out caring for my responsibilities and have no restrictions whatsoever on how I express my displeasure at his failure to do exactly what I have asked him to do"

I think we are in agreement that from 30k feet..that is what she is saying..right?

What are you "saying"?

"Hi..I'm restless wanderer...my wife is telling me to handle her adult responsibilities for her and also telling me how to handle those.  To assert my independence I've told her I would be more than happy to handle her adult responsibilities for her, yet I refuse to handle them exactly as she demands I do them."

Close?

Can you write your version of the 30k view?

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

RW looking at RW from 30k:

Hi, I’m restless wanderer. I help people, probably to a fault, especially to diffuse conflict. You want my help? I can do that. I’m going to do it the way I think is easiest for many reasons that I’m not going to tell you. Since it easier, I think you’ll be ok with it. You’re not ok with it? You’re going to take care of it yourself in a much more difficult way? Ok, bye.
Hello? Yes this is RW. No I didn’t help you, you said you didn’t want my help anymore. Hello? Hello?