Finally aware of my father's BPD traits

[nadm]

My dad recently spend 5 months working with my partner and i, and living with us Monday to Friday. With my partner having a background in psychology he pointed behaviors out to me that weren't normal (rage over what seemed to be nothing, different versions of stories being told, manipulation, self sabotage, aggressive communication etc.). My partner suspects he has BPD and after reading a couple of books and hours of research, I agree.

 Yesterday my dad assumed that my partner said he didn't want him involved in something to do with work and because of that my dad packed his things and left. He stated that he doesn't like my partner due to past things that happened (the reality is that my dad has a different version of what happened in his mind vs the reality. He thinks he was lied to and ripped off). He has pulled my mom into the same stories.

I don't know what to do. Ive realized that my relationship with him is unhealthy due to his bpd behaviours when I was a child and I feel overly responsible for him. How do I get him to take responsibility and try to work through things with my partner rather than blame it all on him and get angry? And how do I do this without making him feel abandoned? My partner and I are expecting a  baby next month and I don't need this stress, but at the same time I need us all to get a long. I also don't want this to ruin my relationship with my mom.

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Turkish]

What, specifically, precipitated his leaving?

A new baby is certainly a life-changing event. What role has your mother played (or not),such that you feel responsible for your father? What are the unhealthy behaviors that you view from your childhood?

Most of us here have been cast in the role of Caretakers.

[beatricex]

Hi nadm,
welcome.  It is eye-opening when one is first learning about their BPD'd parent, isn't it?

You said "I need everyone to get along."  Why?  You are getting married to your partner, not your Dad.  Something my husband and I are working on is focusing on our marriage, and not letting the BPDs interfere!  Building a stronger relationship with your partner is what you need to be doing right now, you are having a baby afterall.

Also, not your job to "care" for your Dad.  You can empathize, and you can maintain good boundaries so that your relationship with your Mom continues, but thinking everyone is going to get along just doesn't happen with borderlines.

((nadm)
B