New to Site

[Pura Vida]

Hi, I am new to the site. I have an adult daughter aged 34 diagnosed with BPD several years ago. She has done partial hospitalization programs and outpatient dBT therapy. I have  both of Randi K.books which I recently pulled out and reread. We have both done some therapy and worked on educating ourselves when she was diagnosed. I am in a second marriage of 15 years which is very supportive.

I’m looking for help in setting limits and boundaries. What is the right help and what isn’t. My daughter has difficulty working consistently and is not able to support herself. She makes bad choices and can’t manage her finances. She lies a lot. Relationships don’t last.

After the recent “crisis” my husband said I’ve known you for 20 years and what we are doing is not working. I think I’ve always hoped that she would eventually be able to manage her life. She doesn’t. It’s one disaster after another. So hard to see. When the lies are found out, our relationship breaks down.  The financial cost to us has been immense.

She’s no longer in therapy unfortunately but has a long term psychiatrist. 5 months ago she had weight loss surgery. She went back to work but has now been out on medical leave with no pay for close to 3 months. She says her doctor keeps adjusting her medications because her absorption has changed and he won’t sign her back in.

Right now we feel we need help in setting limits for financial help and management. What’s right to do and not do. It’s hard to believe her, to know what is truly going on or is she manipulating us. I’m resentful that I’m caught in this web of financial support but i don’t want her living home. Sanity over cost. But I feel we need clearer limits to what we will do and not do. Like basic food and shelter but you have to work if you want a car and a cell phone. But is it right to inflict pain on someone if they are truly having trouble.

It appears from past history that she is going to have trouble working consistently. She tried for disability a few years ago but was denied on appeal. She did not follow through. She does not want to try again. I want her to.

So I’m hoping for some feedback how others have handled financial support limits for adult children who can’t manage.Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome
Yes, I hear your frustration and fear with this issue.  Here is a link that may help https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322647.0

In addition, you can look up top under "tools" and click onto "setting boundaries" for your consideration.

It is hard, we don't want to see our kids fall through the cracks.  However, the reality is when they are adults, we can't force them .  However, we do have power over what we accept and don't accept in our lives. You are also not obligated to financially support your adult for the rest of her life . You have a life too and it is just as important as hers.
You can click on any of our names to get our previous posts/ backstory.  
Keep writing back as you have need to. We are here for you.

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Pure Vida:

I agree with Swimmy55, you are not obligated to support your adult daughter throughout her life. No matter what she says, it's not true.  Regarding setting boundaries, besides Swimmy55's important ones, I recommend
"When Your Daughter Has BPD" by Daniel S. Sobel.

The only progress my daughter ever made, was when I insisted that she earn her own loving, when she wasn't in college. Now she wants me to quit my job so I can take care of my grandson full-time for free. Even if I did so, which I won't) it wouldn't make her happy.  I can never do enough to make her happy. And, it also isn't my job to make her happy.

Good luck.