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[mndnc832]

Hello,

Found this community after devouring the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. My therapist that I've been seeing for months recommended it to me after the majority of our sessions revolve around my ex-boyfriend with whom I have a child. I could not for the life of me figure out why it seemed as though a switch went off in his head during my pregnancy and he started acting completely different, why my wisest self told me to break up with him 2 years ago to protect my mental health. Now, 2 years later, my therapist read out a few characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder and fireworks went off in my head. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells in less than a week and highlighted damn near the whole book! LOL. I feel so validated and somewhat relieved that although my ex is undiagnosed, I now have the tools to prepare myself for what is to come. I have been sucked into his black hole over and over and over, emotionally and verbally abused, and ultimately have felt like just being with him would be better than suffering apart. Thank God for my therapist and undying support of my parent, sister and friends.

[kells76]

Welcome to the group, mndnc832. You'll find a lot of folks here who can relate to the "aha!" moment of insight about BPD. Sounds like many pieces fell into place for you.

It's tricky sharing a child with a person with BPD ("pwBPD"), or even someone not diagnosed ("uBPD"), but with many difficult traits. My dear husband ("DH") has two kids, and their mom, while not "officially" diagnosed to my knowledge, is a blamer, abdicates responsibility, puts the kids in the middle, etc etc. Very difficult person.

Really glad to hear you have a therapist and solid support system. Truly, when coparenting with a pwBPD, the more support the better. I've appreciated this site for that reason -- it might be 11pm on a weekend and a week before the next therapist visit, and I can come here and vent and get some ideas for moving forward.

When you have some time, let us know -- how old is your kid? And what are the main struggles or conflicts you have in coparenting?

Looking forward to hearing more;

kells76

[rebekkah]

mndnc832, thanks for sharing.
I have a 3 year old son and my fiancé (not his biological father) has BPD. Whilst our situations are a bit different there maybe some crossover in terms of kids and father/figures, and ways of managing?

I hope you find what you are looking for on this forum and that you son and you have a good holiday too

[mndnc832]

@kells76 - Thanks for the warm welcome! I definitely agree that this will surely be a helpful tool when I'm waiting for my therapy sessions which are every other week. Feels like an eternity sometimes!

My son 2 years old. The main struggles I have with my son's father are setting boundaries and actually having those boundaries respected - he usually respects them initially and then bulldozes right through them a couple of days later. I have an immense amount of empathy for him and have been protecting, hiding, and making excuses for his behaviors out of fear. I also didn't know what was going on with him until my therapist mentioned BPD a week ago.

He has mentioned that when he sees me, I trigger him each time we exchange our son. Really anything seems to trigger him, hence feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. He will be cool, calm, collected one moment - trying to make it appear everything is fine and then calling my phone berating me for "making our son another statistic" because I won't be with him and make our family whole. We have been no-contact for a week now and I always find so much peace and clarity in these times, but always fear for the next time we have to communicate.

[CoherentMoose]

My fiancé consciously moved to email only communications with her xBPDH based on advice from this forum.  His "playing field" was verbal communications and he was a master at emotional manipulations of her by arguing.  In order to stay off "his field" and not play his game, she refused any personal or phone communications by using email/text only. 

Is there a way you can limit voice communications and personal interactions with him to give you time to re-baseline and get stronger?  It doesn't have to be permanent.  Good luck.   CoMo

[mndnc832]

Going to email/text only is my next step. I'm trying to remove myself completely from interacting with him. Now that I realize his ways, he's very good at drawing me in with high-charged emotional arguments that always get flipped on me.

[CoherentMoose]

mndnc, it's great you are recognizing how he manipulates you.  Nice!  Be prepared for extension bursts where he tries to call you multiple times, or even states it's an emergency and he "must" talk to you.  With texting, it's pretty easy to tell him to email you the emergency details.  For my GF, it took the threat of a TRO to get him to quit trying to find where she had moved to.  Since then, it's been relatively smooth sailing with text and email communications.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

Here is the link to a topic on Extinction Bursts.

[livednlearned]

What are some of the boundaries you've set for yourself?

Maybe we can walk alongside you and offer ways to structure those boundaries.

What is the custody agreement in place for your son?

[mndnc832]

livednlearned,

As far as boundaries go, I'm terrible at setting them and being firm and consistent with them. I've just been flying by the seat of my pants, for lack of better reference. I'm so shaky with them because he never ever respects them and when I try to reinforce them, it leads to his angry outbursts of him basically saying I would be willing to work things out with anybody else but him. This is then followed by apologies and the idealization of me as the perfect mother to our son and how much he just wants our family to be together. This is putting it lightly. Rollercoaster! Basically, I need all the help I can get in setting and reinforcing boundaries.

At the moment, we do not have a custody agreement. He has not yet legitimated our son so it's just been him getting our son on weekends but never on a consistent basis. One of the threats he's been using the last couple of months has been that he will legitimate our son and that he will file for full custody which draws me into an emotional argument every time.

[mndnc832]

ForeverDad,

Thanks so much for sharing the info on Extinction Bursts. I've experienced this so many times over the last two years. I've disengaged several times only to get sucked back in after letting my guard down while also unaware of this possible BPD diagnosis. My most recent attempt at disengaging is a week-long now and there has not been any push back. I feel much more clarity and peace, but always fearful of the next encounter.

[ForeverDad]

And here's the entire menu of Tools and Skills.  Read the two topics on Boundaries.  Most arriving here have to learn how to make effective boundaries because the other person refuses to observe them.  So instead, boundaries are for You.  How so?  The articles will explain but here's my simplistic example... "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or won't do ___."

Essentially the other will do or not do whatever the mood or inclination is.  You can't impact that unless your boundary is to provide practical consequences.  Of course you'll get push back because the other will expect you to appease or give in, it may take time for the other to accept that you really are holding to the consequences theme.  The resistance, obstruction and sabotage may never go away but at least it ought to be "less bad" in the future.

[livednlearned]

I'm terrible at setting them and being firm and consistent with them.

Boundaries are things we have control over.

A lot of us confuse them with rules or ultimatums, which typically don't go over well with pwBPD.

Boundary: I will not tolerate verbal abuse. I will walk away/hang up/not respond.
Rule: Do not raise your voice.
Ultimatum: If you yell at me one more time I will never speak to you again.

If you give him rules or ultimatums and he consistently rolls over them, he learns where the openings are in the fence. It's best not to ask him to do something over which you have no control to enforce.

If you focus on boundaries that you can control, you begin to build a space that's safe. It's an additive practice where every boundary you successfully learn to enact contributes. Versus asking him to take this precious brick and put it over there (which he will refuse to do, repeatedly).

What is involved to have your son legitimated?

Is it something you want?