Needing a Mindfullness Miracle

[Tulipps]

I am so tired of letting my mood be determined by the current dysregulated state of my 33 yo BPD daughter. Someone told me years ago “You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child”.  Allowing that to float around in my brain has been a guilt and obligation-creating curse.
Diagnoses have varied and overlapped over the years (Binge eating, Anxiety, Depression, Substance abuse) until a recent psychologist confirmation what as long suspected - BPD. I feel empathy – always have, and have never stopped loving my daughter, but the toll taken on me in 12 years seems irreversible. Individual counselling, group sessions and this forum are providing excellent resources and I’m working hard to build my communication skills. Today, that might mean not communicating, as I woke up to a borage of the usual text messages “You have never been there for me”, “I’m in a bad situation”, “YOU CAUSED THIS!”, you’ve completely abandoned me”, “I need help here”, “YOU DON’T GIVE A SH-T”, “not a good time to be away from your phone – unbelievable!”  and on and on. When I respond by acknowledging her fears and validating the valid, she responds with “F-YOU”, “WHO ARE YOU – I JUST WANT MY MOM!”.
She’s been in an on-again off-again relationship for over a year and today it’s looking like “off again”. It’s hard to know because messages are all over the place and I’m trying hard to maintain a sanity boundary. Many of you can probably relate… the same book opens but it’s on a different page, and you never know what page she’ll be on. One day she and BF are getting engaged and moving in together and the next day she’s sobbing, saying he’s being mean to her. When things are bad it’s my fault because I created her lack of confidence, anxiety (usually about money), she can’t sleep and everything is worse when she’s tired and stressed. 
What does 2021 have in store for her? I don’t know. I can’t and won’t continue to support her, but she won’t engage in a conversation about finances. There is never a good time. “You're just waiting to dump me and do a happy dance" "how dare you bring this up when I’m almost independent” or “don’t you care that we’re in a pandemic?”. She has no job, limited experience, unstable behaviour, no money and credit card debt climbing. Her health issues abound, which I believe is typical of BPD. The paradox is that this same woman is incredible intelligent, talented, beautiful, capable, kind, and compassionate. I’ve made choices over the years based on her underlying potential – “propping her up” so to speak, supporting her, paying debts, moving her across the country and back, paid for counselling (including residential treatment twice), medical insurance, post-secondary tuition, and basically responded as a loving mom to her pleas for a “clean slate” and “fresh start” over and over again.
I take full responsibility for my actions, while well-intentioned, have not helped either of us. It’s impossible to be mother/friend/coach/banker/lifeguard.
If she cannot take responsibility, regulate her emotions and control her impulsive, reckless and sometimes dangerous self-soothing behaviours, her fears and anxieties about being alone, bankrupt and homeless may become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Looking after me means setting limits. Radical acceptance of our reality and grieving the loss of what I don’t, and likely will never have – a warm, loving relationship with a self-sufficient, happy, productive daughter who is surrounded by friends, a spouse and her own children. My heart aches for both of us.
Intellectually, I know her choices are not my fault, but I also know I will be blamed for whatever situation she has been in, is currently in, and will be in the future. The minute I fail to clean another slate and provide another opportunity for her, I will reinforce her belief that I hate her and have been just waiting to cut her off. 
Today I will try to be mindful and not let worry, fear and shame creep into my thoughts. I will breathe and learn to tolerate distress. I will show myself compassion. I will choose my own mood.
I will remind myself that my daughter, who I love dearly, is suffering. I will show her respect and compassion by not rescuing her and allowing her to problem solve herself.
Right now I feel like garbage.  I'm 63, retired, and don't deserve this.
This is a long post that only scratches the surface.
Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Tulipps,

I feel for you when you say: 

Today, that might mean not communicating, as I woke up to a borage of the usual text messages “You have never been there for me”, “I’m in a bad situation”, “YOU CAUSED THIS!”, you’ve completely abandoned me”, “I need help here”, “YOU DON’T GIVE A SH-T”, “not a good time to be away from your phone – unbelievable!”  and on and on. When I respond by acknowledging her fears and validating the valid, she responds with “F-YOU”, “WHO ARE YOU – I JUST WANT MY MOM!”.

It sounds SO familiar.   That could have been my son texting.  Right now, just today's texts after I used the DEARMAN approach to ask for just 1-3 texts at a time so I can respond (I thought I did pretty good - I tried really hard!)  there have been 30-45 texts.  That is light compared to other days so I guess he is trying.  In the past I am used to between 50 - 100 texts at once. 

I read everything you wrote.  Word for word and I can relate.  It's sad because our "children" are no longer children.   Your words are my words.  Your way of dealing with this is my way of doing the same.

Right now all I have is support.  I have no advice to offer.  I wish I could give you a real bear hug and tell you how much I think of you.  Keep up the good work.   God Bless

 

R

[Tulipps]

Thank you very much, R.
Every time I read a new post on this board I'm amazed at the similarities. It's both comforting and alarming. I appreciate the support and will definitely take the ((hug).
T

[Resiliant]

Good morning Tulipps,

I just read your post again, and realized that there are some differences here.

One is that I am not supporting my son financially.  Yes, I have loaned him money once in a while and have helped him out here and there but he has not been financially dependent upon me since he was old enough to work.   Yes, I had the same fears of homelessness and he was actually homeless for a time when he was young.  He stayed in a shelter and couch-surfed as well.   I didn't know about BPD at the time and took the hard approach of natural consequences.    I was of the mindset that it's okay if you don't like the rules of the house, you don't have to live here either.  It's okay if you don't want to work and you choose to be poor, you will learn that it's not that much fun.   Those were difficult times but I always believed he would pull himself out of it and he did.

I always tried to be the best emotional support that I could be.   Tried getting him to therapists and doctors and was sometimes successful and more often not.

The interesting thing here is that once I learned more about what he was suffering with I have often wondered if I was too hard on him.   I have wondered if I hadn't been so hard on him maybe he would be in a better place now.  Yet, I read many posts like yours where you have given so much and somehow we still ended up in the same place.

Valerie Porr's book reminds us to remind our loved ones that "they can do hard things". 
We need to step back and let them solve their own problems.  It is very invalidating when we try to  problem solve for them.

I have said this before but I will say it again.   I give huge credit to the parents out there who have disabled children, and children missing limbs and these parents tell their children that they need to learn to dress themselves.   The parents can't likely even teach their kids how to dress themselves, but they have to have faith in them that they will figure it out.   We have to try and be more like them.

Also, try to stay off the emotional roller-coaster by remembering that your daughter's emotions are hers.  Don't make them yours.

There is a book that is reviewed on this site called something like "Stop Caretaking the Borderline".   I'm not sure how much it applies to parents, but let's face it you are no longer raising her so it's a relationship between adults.   I am thinking of purchasing the book myself.   I feel like if each book I read gives me even one thing that sticks it's worthwhile.

All the best,

R

[Tulipps]

Thanks again for sharing your insights, R.
I've been reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality" and can say the chapters dealing with active passivity and unrelenting crisis really spoke to me. I will also take a look at the caretaking book you suggested and consider Alanon and/or CODA meetings, although I'm not completely comfortable with the Zoom format. If anyone has participated online, I'd love to hear about your experience.
T

[Swimmy55]

Happy New Year!
I have been participating in Nar anon and Codependents anonymous meetings via online zoom and it has been a life saver during the pandemic.  I wasn't comfortable either at first, but out of my own personal desperation I joined in.  Very easy to do, and just a wonderful support.  There are a lot of meetings at different times. Nar anon actually had a "house party" in which they had back to back meetings for a 24 hour period yesterday through today.  I joined in for a couple of the meetings and it was a good way for me to start the New Year.  You can block your video and mute so no one sees your face, just your first name - I do that at some meetings.  
@Resiliant- yes so true about us ending up in the same place. There is so much in that statement.

[Tulipps]

Thanks, Swimmy. I'm going to give an online meeting a try. T

[PearlsBefore]

  Trigger warning: I don't believe in trigger warnings

Your post definitely demonstrates how difficult this is for you, as it is for many of us, to deal with loved ones with severe mental illness. I generally advocate a different approach than the one you describe, and am probably known for being critical of an over-focus on self-care, boundaries and theories like "show compassion by not rescuing her" or what we believe we personally "deserve". That said, I'm not always right (I might even sometimes be WRONG) - and it's probably best to avoid extremes in either direction. But the difference between "tough love" and "self-focus" and similar concepts can bleed together and become difficult to separate.

That said, of course I'm definitely sympathetic to the position you're in; if anything it sounds like BPD may not be the totality of your daughter's issues and there may be comorbidities that are complicating it. That said, skills like DBT communication are useful even if with patients with BPD-similar traits even if not actually BPD or BPD-with-others...so they are definitely worth trying. They won't cure anything, but they should help reduce the number of instances of acting-out by preventing communication from leading to a full-out fit. It helps make it less likely that they'll either misinterpret you, or pretend to misinterpret you - so that's helpful.

I definitely understand the paradox you mention, how often it seems that those in her position have the benefit of being capable of great depth of feeling, beauty, talent, intelligence, but an inability to actualize their ambitions into survival muchless anything more functional. There's a theory that attractive women have greater difficult than unattractive, simply because they were always able to find a knight in shining armor quickly running to their rescue on even trivial matters...but subsequently failed to learn how to simply get by themselves without such support.

For what it's worth, when you mention the struggle to be mother/friend/coach/banker/lifeguard - the first one of those I discarded in dealing with my closest dBPD was "friend" (although it was healthful for her to continue to use the term externally). I realised that it was the least helpful to her - even though it was what she most craved. I couldn't fill that void in her, because honestly... *whispers* I didn't really think she was a good person and her demands/needs were objectively out of proportion to anything she was able to offer. Now, I'm not saying it worked out perfectly - but that is/was my thinking on the matter. "I care about you, I'm here to help you, I'll bail you out again and again, I'll weather the storm and take the beatings...but I'm not going to induce cognitive dissonance in myself by pretending to think you're a good person". Being able to adopt that approach, at the very least, allowed my own mental health to be stronger and more focused on the reality. So it sounds like you might already be on that path yourself, and it's one with which I certainly empathize and would recommend to others facing similar circumstance. Don't rub it in the BPD's face, but don't be two-faced about it either or let them delude themselves that they can do anything they want to you because they think "you need them" rather than "you're willing to help them".

[Tulipps]

PearlsBefore -
I appreciate your response, but must admit I'm not 100% clear on your "trigger warning" or your message. Something in my emotional brain dump must have struck a chord... you responded, and I'm glad for that - discourse is so important! I love that people on this forum can share openly without judgment. Perhaps over time I'll see more posts from you and gain a better understanding of your perspective.
Thank you.

[PearlsBefore]

No worries, I don't really believe in "Trigger Warnings" much myself, but sometimes if I'm going to say something that might be considered judgmental or harsh about a member or their BPD loved one, like "you're too focused on your own happiness" or "it sounds like your brother is not just BPD but downright predatory and bordering on evil" then I throw up a little tongue-in-cheek TW that basically just means "But hey, I'm just some internet stranger - don't let my mistakes or assumptions or opinion ruin your day or anything - just read, weigh, discard or use, move on, keep smiling".

[Resiliant]

Seriously Pearls?

Sorry but I can’t completely agree with you on this one.   I do agree that we should take from these posts the things that have meaning to us and to leave the rest aside.   You are correct there.

Do you really feel that it is okay to be loose lipped and insensitive when we are responding to someone who has reached out for support?   I really dislike how the internet anonymity  makes some people feel like they have a free reign to say whatever they want.   I hope that’s not you but hey - as you said don’t let my assumptions or opinion ruin your day. 

R

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi Tulipps,
I think there is the tough love and the not so tough at all (nurturing) response, and they're probably both OK, depending on what the person dealing with the BPD is comfortable with.  I took the thread's responses as "look here are your options."  Also, your post completly touched me for it's caring/warmth/strength in such a time of adversity for you, I admire you, really.  Perhaps that is all we can really glean from this site of virtual friends, some mutual admiration.

I personally do not feel OK letting anyone walk all over me - but my Mom is borderline.  So, that is about survival for me.  I read about the texts and thought "dang, I have no patience cause that kid would have been blocked."

Learning that with my step daughter, she is in survival mode, I'm more "adult" (at least I hope so as i'm twice her age), and I need to tone down the tough love.  Wish I could find the off switch.

Just wanted to say thanks to all as this thread really helped me see I do have choices.

b

[Tulipps]

Seriously Pearls?
R

Thank you.

[Tulipps]

Hi Tulipps,
I think there is the tough love and the not so tough at all (nurturing) response, and they're probably both OK, depending on what the person dealing with the BPD is comfortable with.  I took the thread's responses as "look here are your options."  Also, your post completly touched me for it's caring/warmth/strength in such a time of adversity for you, I admire you, really.  Perhaps that is all we can really glean from this site of virtual friends, some mutual admiration.
Just wanted to say thanks to all as this thread really helped me see I do have choices.
b

Thanks for sharing, Beatricex, and appreciating what everyone on this site is dealing with on any given day. I am far from perfect, and my level of empathy fluctuates depending on how much resentment and distress sneak into the mix.
I have also done my share of tough love, blocking calls, texts, and even changed the locks on my home when my daughter was kicked out of residential drug treatment about 8 years ago. She spent 6 months on the street before flying across the country to join someone she met in treatment... I didn't see her for 2 years. If I shared the entire 12 year behaviour roller-coaster odyssey it would crash the site!
What I'm trying to do is maintain a relationship with someone I love who happens to be ill. We will always have highs and lows and could have some rough days ahead as I implement the necessary budget changes. As long as she stays in treatment I remain hopeful. Thankfully I have the support of a counsellor and forums such as this to discuss and consider various approaches, build skills and stay strong.   

T