sister in the hospital

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi my sister and I relationship is strained right now.  she blames me for much in her life and my mother.  I am just trying to have a healthy relationship with healthy bounderies but at same time I feel for her and want her to be healthy to seek help in what she needs to live a healthy peaceful independant life
she is in the hospital and part of me wants to help again but last times we have lived together it does not end well last two times very stressful but i want her in a better place to succeed
how best can we be supportive yet maintain a healthy distance have healthy relationship

[Rosa100]

Hi my sister and I relationship is strained right now.  she blames me for much in her life and my mother.  I am just trying to have a healthy relationship with healthy bounderies but at same time I feel for her and want her to be healthy to seek help in what she needs to live a healthy peaceful independant life
she is in the hospital and part of me wants to help again but last times we have lived together it does not end well last two times very stressful but i want her in a better place to succeed
how best can we be supportive yet maintain a healthy distance have healthy relationship

[Methuen]

Hi Rosa,

It sounds like this is a difficult time for you.

What is your sister in the hospital for? 

but last times we have lived together it does not end well last two times very stressful but i want her in a better place to succeed

Are you thinking of living with her again, and just remembering back to those times?  Can you tell us more about your situation?

[Rosa100]

Hi
I don't know alot of detail since my sister does not want family to know but all I know is she had thoughts of disorganized thoughts and suicidal thoughts.
I wrote a post of my sister before I took her in for a year and four months and wanted to help her to get back on her feet
 she got a new job near me and I offered for her to stay at my place up to a year.
I was hoping it would be great sister to sister bonding being there for eachother etc.
i told her to save money for her new place and
I started to ask her if I could  help her find a place at especially last four months since at the end she stated i did not give her any privacy to leave her alone and wanted to live in my basement which was not a legal place to live did not have two exits
and I kept asking her to help her find her place since she wanted her own privacy place and the basement and my place was not possible for that kind of living
but she just became more demanding stating threats that going to charge me with abuse call police if i evicted her tell my employer tell my license board. I work in nursing.  I was feeling many emotions worry for me worry for her scared of what she was saying great stress anger
then she  left one day no word and told my family not to talk about me and did not want me around for holidays etc.
 the previous time we tried to live together I lived at her place and paid rent
and I left after an incident when I got a cup of coffee and she stated I did not bring her one she threw the hot coffee towards me and missed me she threw my work computer to the wall blocked me threatened me told me not to come to her daughters birthday party I left and was devastated not only what happened but that I missed a birthday party of my niece. that was the last straw for me and there   many incidents from her anger toward me and with others  seeing her throwing out her boyfriend out throwing his things all the time and throwing others out too such as my mom depending on if she felt slighted angry about what we did or did not offer.    she had such anger and would tell us to not say anything. 
I left her home we didnt talk for a period of time but I always want to try to have a sister to sister relationship and always reached out.
 I love her I think she has mental illness that i wish she would get help and keep getting the help to stay ok.
she has  alot of anger she has tried to commit suicide before i think it was written on one record about borderline PTSD depression and severe anxiety.
 she has so much anger about the past about my mom and I about what we don't do but it seems like this anger never goes away we all feel many emotions.
I hope for one day of peace happiness for all. I have been willing and have asked for years to go to therapy but she never wanted to go and then she told me to go to a therapy group and tell the group i abused her and will only go to a therapist if i tell the therapist that I abused her. 
I can't understand why she is so focused on i and my mother have ruined her life.
she is 47 y.o.
for example I take in her to my home thinking I can help her to get to a better place for her to figure out if she liked her job, then find a place she loved. she did not have to pay rent. i asked for her to pay for her own food and asked her if she wanted to do things together to spend time together it got really tense when i asked her to do chores she left the place a mess many times and I had to clean and my fiance could not understand why I was taking care of her in that way and why she was objecting to chores etc. she agreed after a year to do chores. 
but then the abuse statements and angry remarks of not giving her privacy and I couldn't understand when she lived in my home and we shared a kitchen home she did't want anyone to go to the basement when she was there i told her the basement was not an ideal place to live I asked to help her find a place to live. nevertheless that year and four months ended with her being in a state of anger in which she was angry i was not giving her privacy and letting her live her life  and she was worried about me telling her to leave yet my fiance her and I felt great stress in my home and I couldn't with all honesty wanted us to go to therapy to resolve and come up with more healthy relationship boundary plans.
 I know it was better for her to have her own place and for me to come over when she invited me to come over. as far as the constant talk about past what i dont do how I effected her life etc. some of the statements I was really concerned since I couldn't understand her logic other was based on something but skewed to this all negative angry framework. 
I want to help myself again i feel this tug like i feel for her I love her i want her to be in a better place to hear about her wanting to commit suicide I fear losing her
i have felt like I have lost my sister to sister relationship because of her hatred right now to me because I did not do what she wanted give her what she wanted that I somehow ruined her life.  i feel sadness over that lost of what i hope our relationship to be to repair etc.
but then I feel sadness loss that she would want to take her life and if she does how much grief in my family we would feel her children, my mom my brother and I
but at same time I know what can happen if we live together
it is tough
if in her eyes we are not there from her she blocks us from communication
if she asks for help she wants us to give without questions to state our needs
I want to help connect her to a therapist psychiatrist go to therapy
i am taking BPD courses going to therapy I am just trying to resolve within my own self right now.  what I need to do too.
Thank you for listening reading.  It is so hard to talk about with just anyone
i have a therapy session this week

[Cait]

Hi Rosa,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all of this.

My brother has borderline personality disorder and a lot of the behavior is similar, particularly the blame and anger towards loved ones. One thing that took me many years of therapy to realize and accept is that I cannot fix or help my brother. Of course, that doesn't mean not caring, or not being willing to listen when needed. But that does mean clear boundaries and stepping out from the role of the person who tries to always make their life better. My therapist helped me to see that when I would try to make my brother too comfortable (give him money, offer him a place to live, always rescue him), this enabled his behavior and disorder even further.

My biggest recommendation is to focus on yourself and your own mental health before your sister's. And take the time to grieve the loss of the sibling relationship you had hoped for. Only with acceptance is there hope and room for a new type of healthier dynamic.

Hoping things get better for you. You are not alone.