Overstepped boundaries

[truthdevotee]

My W seems some worrying messages.

[18/03, 19:45] Honey: I feel disgust how you treat me
[18/03, 19:45] Honey: Many many times ... you never cared
[18/03, 19:49] Honey: You want me to be your nanny and serve you sex
[18/03, 19:54] Honey: I don't even know why am I embarrassing to go through all what you have done to me within this 3 weeks.
[18/03, 19:54] Honey: I am an idiot who tries to fix something that doesn't work yet
[18/03, 20:03] Honey: You prefer to talk to your family not to your wife
[18/03, 20:03] Honey: I am only nanny and sexual slave
[18/03, 20:05] Honey: Go to hell


It's worrying when she's in this depth. I'm supposed to go and collect them from their grandparents house on Saturday.

It's been the most peaceful week for years for me, I got so much work done.

This level of abuse (I'm happy in recognising it as abuse now) is worrying... Its so sad because I want a happy home for my children...

It may have been a mistake for me to stop renting the Airbnb... For a few days she appeared to calm down. But this kind of communication is back to stage 1.

I've seen the pattern thousands of times... So I'm not sure why I had false hope

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[truthdevotee]

[18/03, 20:10] Honey: I already hear you I am packing I am not going to stay in this, I had already apartment in Airbnb whatever
[18/03, 20:10] Honey: You always free to go
[18/03, 20:11] Honey: Go to find a nanny and another sexual slave
[18/03, 20:12] Honey: You have no idea how much you damage our relationship
[18/03, 20:12] Honey: I don't even know if it is possible to damage it more
I don't need to hear more blame, criticism and threats ...you are full of it

[truthdevotee]

I feel so scared when she's in that state - even when she writes it via text.

I feel scared for my boys. I'm not scared for myself (at least consciously). I feel scared about the atmosphere for the children.

Fortunately, this time, it's via text message. I'm 3 hours away by car. There's no immediate danger. Yet... I wonder if I should make the step out of the house again and somehow not pick her up and just pick up the boys or something. I don't want to drive with her if there's heavy conversations and I don't feel I can trust her to not bring them up in the car.

[Notwendy]

It may have been a mistake for me to stop renting the Airbnb... For a few days she appeared to calm down. But this kind of communication is back to stage 1.

I've seen the pattern thousands of times... So I'm not sure why I had false hope


You have not gone backwards. This time you recognize a pattern and are able to think before jumping in to your side of the pattern.


Change is slow. It can be two steps forward, one step backwards. It involves consistency on your part. The only possible false belief is you thinking it's this fast or that  in this short time, you arrived at the destination.

It's a process. The change is with you. Look at the changes with you, not her. She might adapt to the new patterns or not. The change is how you respond.

You each came into this relationship with a set of relationship tools. You are leaning new ones. She still has the tools she has. She may learn some in time, but if someone only has one set of tools, and those tools worked for her, then she's going to try these tools too.

I'm not accusing her of being malicious.  When she has been feeling out of sorts, somehow these kinds of messages worked to get her some relief. Maybe you jumped into action to help with her discomfort. If what works for her keeps working, she's going to keep doing it until she learns it's not working for her.

It's not Saturday yet. You don't have to decide anything. She could get over it, she might not. Your task is to manage your feelings and your impulse to react to fix your feelings of discomfort.

Deal with them constructively. Take a walk, call your sponsor. Resist the impulse to get into the familiar patterns. I have called these kinds of things "drama" bait. Again, not due to her but to your impulse to jump into it. Someone else might look at these texts and think "this is odd". But you have your own reaction- it's a bait to you. Now you recognize it when you may not have before. This is progress.

[truthdevotee]

Thanks Notwendy.
That's really helpful.
I felt exhausted after receiving the messages. Like shame or something.
I started watching a video with some tips about phrases to use so as to not take on the thought/opinion/feeling of the other person. It helps me to listen to something healing based.
I ate some chocolate ice cream. Not a big amount. I guess there was some comfort eating there.
I didn't call my sponsor for the moment but did share my W's messages with him.
Grateful for your support. Yeah that's so true, this was bait.
Somehow I feel too exhausted to leave the house again. It might be that I'm not supposed to do that yet (like Guidance from HP). It does indeed help to watch this video and learn some new techniques how to deal with rage, blame, manipulation, etc.

I really want to learn how not to take on the energy myself. It's like I don't have a "strong invisible shell" that protects me from that level of negative energy. I'd like to learn how to do it... then maybe I wouldn't ever have to leave...

I dunno. Not saying I wouldn't leave. I would. Just feel a bit overwhelmed.

Yeah, Saturday is a long way away. Still a whole 24 hrs ahead. Another day at the office.

[Notwendy]

It takes some practice but the shell comes with knowing your own personal boundaries- what is you and what isn't you.

Then if someone sends you a text like this, it's not that it won't bother you, but it bothers less.

At one point, it happens and instead of feeling upset you think "what was that? That's strange". It's quite a moment when something that was so upsetting to you doesn't upset you. This doesn't mean you lose compassion for someone - you just don't take it personally because it doesn't apply to you.

When you see/hear this you stop. Is this true or not? If not true, don't address it or defend it. If true then maybe you need to apologize, but it's you who decides if it is true or not.

[truthdevotee]

It takes some practice but the shell comes with knowing your own personal boundaries- what is you and what isn't you.

Then if someone sends you a text like this, it's not that it won't bother you, but it bothers less.

At one point, it happens and instead of feeling upset you think "what was that? That's strange". It's quite a moment when something that was so upsetting to you doesn't upset you. This doesn't mean you lose compassion for someone - you just don't take it personally because it doesn't apply to you.

When you see/hear this you stop. Is this true or not? If not true, don't address it or defend it. If true then maybe you need to apologize, but it's you who decides if it is true or not.

Thanks Notwendy...